When a child hits adolescence (beginning about 12-years-old), it’s time for parents to stop making decisions for them and start making decisions with them. Transitioning from your child’s decision-maker to your teen’s guide is not easy for any parent, but it’s necessary to maintain a good relationship with your teen as well as prepare them for adulthood.

When our children were little, we managed almost every part of their day and pretty much decided where they would be and what they would do. Once children reach adolescence, they need to start managing their own lives. Parents who try to maintain control of their teen’s decisions are likely to either raise teens who will break their rules the first chance they get or teens who are too afraid to make their own choices.

By adolescence, we need to let our teens make their own decisions about their lives. This does NOT mean that we never say no anymore, stop enforcing our family rules, or become permissive and/or disengaged. What it DOES mean is that we start to involve teens more in creating house rules, request their input in family decisions, and allow them the freedom to make their own decisions about their life including ones that we think will be a mistake.

We give up our role as their chief of staff and become more like their life coach. We ask questions, offer guidance, and provide emotional support. We influence them more through the actions we role model and the way we treat them. You might be surprised how well they behave and the good choices they make when we treat them with respect and demonstrate that we believe in their abilities.

Methods to Hand Over the Decision-Making Reins

Become an active listener. That means that when your teen approaches you with a question or concern, you stop what you’re doing (you will miss your window of opportunity if you try to delay them) and seek to understand what they are telling you and how it’s making them feel without interruption or judgment. You do not need to agree with them to try to understand their viewpoint. Approach the subject with open-ended questions. Seek to understand their perspective rather than express your own.

Involve them in family decisions. Listen to your children’s input, and wherever it’s reasonable, take into account your child’s desires and opinions. For example, teens are always more likely to follow rules, or be excited about a vacation, if they had input in the decision-making process. In addition, including them in family decisions will help your teen learn how you make choices, while also demonstrating that you value their input, which will boost their self-esteem and make them feel respected.

Teach problem-solving skills. Whenever your teen needs to make a decision, a problem-solving approach can help them develop independent decision-making skills. Walk your teen through these steps:

1. properly and clearly identify the problem
2. generate SEVERAL alternative solutions (use brainstorming to develop unique ideas)
3. develop pros, cons and expected outcomes for each of the possible solutions
4. choose one of the solutions to try
5. consider how you can overcome possible challenges
6. implement the solution and then evaluate its results

Practice makes perfect. Like everything in life, your teen will often learn through trial and error. Will your teen make mistakes as they make decisions? YES. Will they learn from these mistakes and become better decision makers through the experience? YES. Experiencing failures while still under your protection and support means that the consequences of their mistake will be small while the lessons they learn will be big. You have to let your teen’s growth become more important to you than avoiding your own discomfort or desire for specific outcomes. Your teen should be making their own choices about how they want to spend their time, how they deal with peer pressure, how to take care of their mental and physical health, who they hang out with, what they want to do after high school graduation, and how to spend their money. As youth gain experience with making decisions, they gain more confidence, become more accountable and learn to accept the consequences of their choices.

Final Thoughts…

Sometimes as a parent, it just feels so much easier and safer to make decisions for our children, but then we’re robbing them of the opportunity to develop this essential life skill. Making positive decisions is one of the most important life skills you can impart to your kids. They need these skills in order to thrive and survive, especially in today’s society. Focus on your long-term goal of raising a successful, responsible adult over your short-term goal of making life easy.