Boundaries in a relationship define personal limits regarding your time, resources, emotions, and physical space. Our boundaries teach others how to treat us – what we are willing and not willing to accept in a relationship. Our boundaries help us take care of ourselves and build trust, safety and respect with others. Setting limits allows us to determine how we will occupy our time, how we will spend our money, what actions we will take, which behaviors we will tolerate, and what information we will share with others. It’s important that parents and other guiding adults share information about boundaries with teenagers. They should also emphasize the importance of respecting others’ boundaries.

What happens when a person doesn’t establish limits in their relationships?

When a person prioritizes others over themselves, they will eventually feel exhausted and overwhelmed. They can quickly become burned out from doing too many things. By putting others first, they neglect and disrespect themselves and their dreams. Their relationships are out of balance, so they can feel taken advantage of, stressed out, and resentful. They often feel anxious, wondering where they stand with other people and when they are going to be asked to do another thing. They are also much more likely to give into peer pressure and typically experience low self-esteem. They can’t create a fulfilling life because they are too busy pleasing everyone else and lack a support system from true friendships.

What are the benefits of setting boundaries?

Setting boundaries in relationships is critical to a person’s overall mental well-being. Here are just some of the benefits that come from establishing your own personal limits:

• have more time and energy to devote to the things and people that inspire and matter most to you
• have a more balanced life with less stress and more peace
• helps others understand what you need
• able to cope with people and situations in a calmer and/or more respectful manner
• eliminates unhealthy relationships and builds trusting relationships that add value
• reduces resentment, burnout, and strain in our relationships
• provides safety
• allows you to live according to your values and discover your purpose

What are ways that teens can create and enforce boundaries?

With so many important benefits, encourage your teen to takes these steps to create a balanced life:

Know when to set a boundary. Ask yourself these questions: 1) Do I feel safe? 2) Do I feel respected? 3) Do I feel heard? If you answer “no” to any of those three questions, it’s time to set a boundary.

Identify values and priorities. Determine your own goals, dreams, and values. When you consider your moral and personal beliefs and plans for the future, you will be better able to define and maintain your boundaries. You need to know what is meaningful to you and that will help you determine what you should spend your time and energy on. Setting boundaries is all about fostering the confidence to say yes to things that align with your values and no to things that don’t.

Boundaries are about you, not others. In life, we can ultimately only control ourselves, not others. As a result, it’s very important to understand that your boundaries are all about what you will or will not accept or do. Your boundaries cannot try to control someone else’s behavior or opinions. Additionally, boundaries don’t attack or punish the other person. For example, a healthy boundary is, “I’m uncomfortable when we hang out with your friend Ted, so I’m going to go home now” while an unhealthy boundary would be, “You can’t hang out with Ted anymore.” Always remember that your body, time, feelings, thoughts, and personal space belong only to you, and other people’s body, time, feelings, thoughts, and personal space belong only to them.

Manage a schedule. A schedule is a boundary on its own. Write down all of your required responsibilities (schoolwork, household chores, etc.) and allot the time that is needed to complete them all. Schedule in self-care each week, which means spending time doing things that help you recharge or feel happy. With the time that is left, determine what activities and/or commitments are in alignment with your goals, dreams and/or values. Leave some margin in your schedule, so that if there are interruptions (illness, extra schoolwork, surprises, etc) you can adjust without extra stress. If there is no time left after you have written down all of their responsibilities and activities, you should feel empowered to say no to anything extra that will prevent you from meeting your current commitments.

Communicate boundaries. People will never know what they’re doing is unacceptable if you don’t tell them. You must speak up when people are behaving in a way that makes you feel inferior, unappreciated, or pressured. Don’t allow anyone to talk you into or out of things. You should never let other people dictate your choices for you! Communicating your needs is not being mean or selfish. You can still be kind yet firm at the same time. State your boundaries in a clear, straightforward and honest way, and consistently communicate when your boundaries are overstepped.

Be ready to say no. It’s not easy to say no in the moment. When your instinct is telling you to say no to someone, remember that you will never be able to make everyone happy and that’s okay, taking care of yourself if not selfish but rather a necessity, and a no doesn’t have to be forever. If you need time to think about your response, delay the answer to give yourself space. You might say, “I’m not comfortable with that,” “let me think about that and get back to you,” or “I need to check my schedule but I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

Refuse manipulation. Inevitably, someone in your life will try to make you feel guilty for not doing what they want. They might say that you misunderstood them, that you’re overreacting, that you’re the one to blame, or even gaslight you. If someone isn’t respecting your boundaries, it’s important to understand that they are being selfish and you don’t need to give in to others’ demands. When you follow through on your boundaries, you will be rewarded with a more balanced life in which you are more engaged and energized in all of your responsibilities and relationships, which is better for everyone. 

Final Thoughts…

Setting and enforcing boundaries is difficult, so encourage your teens to take small steps at first. With practice, boundary setting gets easier and more natural. It is important for children to understand that everyone has the right to set boundaries and that an elaborate explanation is not necessary. A simple, “no,” or a brief statement why a behavior is unacceptable is enough. We don’t need to defend our boundaries to others, only to state why they are important to us. In addition, reiterate that we must also respect other people’s boundaries.