As a result of adolescent brain development and wildly fluctuating hormones, teenagers tend to experience a wide range and intense level of emotions. As a parent, this can feel frustrating and confusing, but it’s a normal part of adolescent development. However, that doesn’t mean you should just let your teen fly off the handle at every little thing. In fact, an important part of your parenting role is helping your teen notice and manage their emotions.

Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize and manage your feelings in a healthy and effective way, and self-regulation is about controlling your behaviors and choices when your emotions are running high. This skill allows people to adapt to stressors, maintain good relationships, and make rational decisions even in the face of difficulties. Since emotional regulation plays a vital role in overall wellbeing and success in adulthood, parents should make an effort to teach their teens how to develop this valuable skill.

How Emotional Self-Regulation Works

Emotional self-regulation really consists of two parts. First, we must be able to recognize, identify, and/or understand our emotions. Second, we must be able to implement strategies or coping mechanisms that allow us to express and/or calm down our emotions in a constructive manner. We will discuss both of these elements:

Part 1: Identifying Emotions.  

It can be very difficult for an adolescent to work out what they’re feeling when they are very upset, so it’s important to label emotions. Ask open-ended questions to help your teen become aware of their feelings and really listen to their answers. Whenever your teen is talking to you about their experiences, ask them “how do you feel about that?” More than likely, they will say “sad,” “mad,” or “I don’t know.” You can validate those feelings while also adding in new feeling words. For example, you might say, “wow, if that happened to me, I might also be feeling confused.” You can teach your teen to better identify their emotions by suggesting “embarrassed,” “nervous,” “jealous,” “betrayed,” or “frustrated” if appropriate. As you talk, you and your child can discover the underlying feelings, so for example, they might be feeling disappointment rather than sadness, or embarrassment rather than anger. Encouraging your teen to articulate the reasons behind their emotions promotes self-reflection and introspection. This not only helps us to understand their perspective better but also teaches them to identify the root causes of their feelings.

Part 2: Developing Strategies.

When emotions run high, we need some strategies or coping mechanisms that allow us to manage or express our feelings in a healthy way. The great news is that there are lots of strategies available. The bad news is that we can only figure out which ones work for us through trial and error. There’s no ‘one size fits all’ solution – we need to use different strategies until we find the ones that consistently help. Introduce your teen to these strategies:

Identify Triggers. All of us have triggers – things that consistently make us upset. Observe patterns in your child’s reactions and work collaboratively to pinpoint specific situations or stimuli that tend to provoke emotional responses. When we know our triggers, we can make decisions to manage them. Sometimes we can simply avoid the trigger. Other times, our triggers may not be avoidable, but we can develop a strategy to stay in control of our emotions during those times.

Reframing Negative Thoughts. Resilient people monitor their thoughts and evaluate whether they are true. They work to eliminate negative self-talk that is unhelpful. Try to guide your teen to recognize negative thoughts, question their validity (what evidence is there for and against this thought?), and then replace negative thinking with more helpful or realistic perspectives. When faced with a challenging situation, reframe it as a learning opportunity.

Find a Healthy Escape. One of the reasons that people turn to drugs and alcohol is because it offers an escape from stress or painful situations. Escaping is a great idea, but we need to find healthier versions! Use these coping skills to deal with stress and escape from uncomfortable feelings: creative activities (drawing, dancing, playing music, etc), taking a long bath, spending time with a pet, exercise, journaling, reading, taking a walk, or talking to a trusted friend.

Practice Relaxation Techniques. Mindfulness, breathing techniques, yoga and meditation have been proven to calm our nervous system and regain emotional balance.

Take a Break. Whenever we recognize that an emotion is escalating, it’s very helpful to temporarily remove ourselves from the situation to cool down before responding. Take a walk, go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, take a few deep breaths, or go to another room. Even pausing for 30 seconds can significantly calm us down before we do or say something we regret.

Develop Problem-Solving Skills. We undermine our children’s competence when we tell them what to do. Instead, empower your teen by encouraging them to work through solutions to their problems. Show youth how to identify their problem, gather information, brainstorm several alternative solutions, evaluate pros and cons of the different options, make a decision, break down the solution into manageable tasks, and evaluate the result. That way, when your teen faces challenges, they will know how to identify actionable steps to address the root cause of their feelings rather than just rehashing negative feelings.

Learn to Express Emotions Constructively. One of the hardest, but perhaps most important, strategies to develop emotional regulation is learning how to express our feelings calmly and appropriately instead of bottling them up or lashing out. An assertive communicator doesn’t hesitate to speak their mind, yet is empathetic enough to not hurt others’ feelings. They actively protect their own rights, but are mindful of not trampling on the rights of others. An assertive communicator is precise and polite when speaking, but firm in their requests. Teach your teens the keys to advocating for themselves in a respectful way:

• Encourage your teen to delay confrontations until they feel calm.
• Explain the importance of speaking to others directly and honestly. They should feel empowered to share their opinion and stand firm in their decisions.
• Advise respect in all their confrontations. Using polite manners, speaking calmly, being willing to hear the other person’s viewpoint, and generally acting respectful makes conversations much more productive and helpful to both parties.
• Encourage your teen to begin sentences with “I” instead of “you” when expressing a concern to someone else. For example, teach your teen to say, “I feel angry when you don’t show up on time,” rather than, “You don’t care about me because you are always late.”
• Advise your teen to avoid exaggerations and judgmental statements. They should stick to facts and specifics (rather than vague hints) when they are explaining their perspective.

Final Thoughts…

Be aware that you might not always be in the right head space to coach your teen, especially if the challenge they are facing is making you emotional as well. Before you can support your teen in recognizing and managing their emotions, it’s helpful to figure out how you are feeling. Pause and ask yourself: Is this a good time to coach my teen on emotions? Am I feeling safe and calm? Do I have the time and energy to focus on my teen?

Also, always remember that your best method of teaching is role modeling. Teens observe the behaviors of the adults in their lives very carefully, even when you think they are ignoring you. As a result, it’s important that you self-regulate your own feelings. You can even talk through your process out loud so that your teen can learn through observation.