None of us love hearing everybody else’s opinions on things we do, like, and say. It’s a rare person who welcomes comments on all of their actions, decisions, statements, and preferences. Teens are no different, but parents still tend to regularly offer many unsolicited opinions. Consider these statements from teens who were interviewed on the subject:

“They comment on literally everything, to the point where I was scared to listen to music for years because I didn’t want my parents to comment on my music taste. (Which is pretty mainstream; it’s just different than theirs). Whenever we meet someone, they tell me afterward their thoughts on that person and point out if they had acne, had too long hair, wore a cropped shirt, etc. They view their comments as harmless observations but it causes insecurities.”

“When my parents commented negatively on anything I said or did as their first reaction, it taught me to keep secrets, tell lies, and avoid informing them of anything until right before or after it happened…”

In a 2024 Gallup survey of 10- to- 18-year-olds, 62% of children say they want their parents to listen to them when they are upset, yet only 28% want their parents to give advice or opinions.

As evidenced by these quotes, we can end up causing harm to our relationship with our teens when we are too quick to offer our opinions. When we comment on things our teens say, do, or enjoy, most teenagers take this as criticism and withdraw. Each unnecessary comment or directive from us only creates another opportunity for conflict with our child.

As a parent, you might be thinking that it’s your job to provide your wisdom. You are supposed to be guiding them to better choices! While this is true, there’s a shift when our children enter the adolescence phase. Our children learn best through observation, so by the time they hit thirteen, they have already absorbed most of your values by watching you. As a teen, they begin to try to separate themselves from their family, seek independence, and explore their own identities, and sometimes that means they reject your values, opinions, and lessons, at least for awhile. Teens naturally crave freedom and avoid being controlled or manipulated. But don’t lose hope or think that you can never talk to your teen! If you employ a few positive communication strategies, you can enjoy great conversations with your teen.

5 Communication Strategies to Avoid Annoying Your Teen

Finding the right balance in your relationship with your teen is not easy, but it’s a very worthy goal. While teens might not want to hear all of our opinions and sometimes act like they want nothing to do with us, they do still need us and want to connect with us. There are five key things to keep in mind when talking with your adolescent child:

Listen more than you talk. Listening is the key to building and maintaining a healthy, open relationship with your teen. Give your teen respect and your complete attention when you are having a conversation. Ask questions to show that you are listening and to make sure that you understand their perspective or the whole story.

Seek to re-learn. As parents, we think we know everything there is to know about our child. You have lived with them through their entire life! You have seen them through every single major event! No one knows them better, but try to remember that adolescence is all about trying new identities and separating from their family. Instead of assuming you know your child, try to let go of your preconceived notions. Approach your teen with fresh eyes, eager to get to know the young adult they are becoming. Adolescence is a time of rapid growth, so expect lots of changes and be curious and open to the way your child evolves.

Avoid oversharing. Be picky about what thoughts you share with your teen, and in particular, avoid negative comments about your teen or their choices. Your child’s likes, dislikes, friends, appearance, music or TV preferences, and interests are key to their identity and should not be commented on. If you question your teen’s decisions, then your teen will either rebel, fill the household with tension, or experience a lot of worries and insecurities when they feel your doubt.  The fastest way to get a teen to clam up is to express disapproval, judgment, or shock.  Before speaking, try asking yourself: Is my comment valuable and/or necessary? Will my comment make my teen feel better about themselves? Is my comment about their safety? If your answer is ‘no’ to any of these questions, then try to keep your opinions to yourself.

Talk on their terms. Often, parents complain that their kids don’t want to talk to them, but sometimes it’s because they are trying to connect on their own timetable. Understand that teens open up when they feel comfortable, not necessarily at convenient times. You cannot schedule your child like a meeting. You have to be willing to talk when they are ready because those moments don’t come often! Many times, teens will bring up something that is bothering them spontaneously on a car ride or right before bed. Do not dismiss those opportunities because you are too busy. If your teen feels brushed off, they may not open up again. Seize the moment! The warmest and most rewarding conversations develop when your teen wants to talk and you make time for them, even if it comes at an inopportune time.

Approach your teen with curiosity. Teens are best drawn into conversation when parents ask questions instead of lecturing. When your teen expresses an opinion, ask some follow up questions about what inspired your teen’s way of thinking. You don’t have to say you think it’s a great idea, but you could ask them why they like the idea. Asking lots of open-ended questions shows interest in your teen and also helps them come to better decisions on their own. They might not act like it at the time, but your questions might lead them to a different way of thinking.

Final Thoughts…

Become a more intentional communicator! Listen more than you talk. Avoid sharing unnecessary opinions. Talk on their terms. Approach your teen’s actions and words with curiosity and questions. You might discover that, if you are quiet more often and judgmental less often, then when you do speak, your words will carry more weight.