Moving is one of life’s top stressors. Giving up the familiar—friends, favorite places, and routines— is not easy for anyone and can cause fear, sadness and stress. Teens are especially prone to these feelings because they are very focused on fitting in with their peers. Being the new kid is very challenging.

It’s important to acknowledge your teenager’s feelings with a move. Change can be hard. It means a lack of certainty and predictability. Change is necessary for growth, but it is normal to fear the unknown. Remember that your teen will face many challenges in a new location: they will be a newcomer at school; they have to leave behind extracurricular activities that were important to them; they may suddenly be academically ahead or behind their peers at their new school; they will have to learn different social rules; and they will lose the sense of belonging that they have in your current location. Despite these obstacles, there are some ways for parents to help their teens adjust to moving:

Ask for input. Teens almost always respond better to circumstances when they feel like they have been part of the process or decision. No one likes to feel out of control, so by soliciting your teen’s input, you may find them more agreeable. If you’re still looking for a house, ask your teen what they would like in a new home and/or neighborhood. They can even accompany you on tours of potential homes. If the house is already chosen, there are still opportunities for a teen’s input, such as letting them choose their room and giving them free rein in decorating it.

Provide stability wherever possible. While teens are adjusting to new homes, neighborhoods, and schools, we can provide some comfort by keeping some things the same. Sticking to the same daily family habits provides order in the chaos of moving. Maintaining familiar routines, like always walking the dog every evening after dinner, reminds us that some things are still the same and allows our brain to rest.

Validate feelings. Give your teen the opportunity to share their feelings without judgment or interruption, and then most importantly, let them know that their feelings are normal. This is not a time for lectures or try to convince them they should think a different way. Instead, simply seek to understand how your teen is feeling and, rather than offering your own opinion, reflect back what you heard them say. Your teen needs to feel like you understood them.  If your teen is feeling sad about leaving behind friends and familiar places, express sympathy for the changes. If your teen is feeling scared, acknowledge their fear as normal without overreacting or making fun of it. You don’t want to reinforce their fear by becoming equally anxious, nor do you want to act dismissive or give them the impression that you think they are weak or silly. Reassure your teen that you’re sympathetic to their feelings, and be honest about the ways that the move will be difficult for you as well. 

Think positive. In addition to validating their sadness and/or fears about the move, it’s equally important to help your teen see the positives aspects of the move. Being optimistic about outcomes doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be happy in the moment. You can feel nervous about the move and still look for and identify the positives that will come out of the change. This is an opportunity for your teen to live in and learn about a new city, new cultural traditions, and different ways of life. It also is a chance for teens to remake their own image. Moving frees your teen from former reputations and self-images, and they have the chance to meet new people and make new friends with a fresh start. Also, take the time to explain how your family will benefit from the move, such as living in a larger house or being closer to a fun attraction.

Teach resilience. Our teens must learn to adjust to transitions and what better way is there to teach them but to walk the path beside them as they’re going through it. Successful adults are those that have coping skills and resiliency, and those two things are learned through experience and watching how others handle life’s changes and disappointments. Moving is a great teachable moment where we can role model that we can choose to be open to new experiences, engage in positive ways of dealing with our stress, and look for the positive in difficult circumstances.

Research new community. Try to spin the move as a new adventure and ask for your teen’s help in exploring it. If at all possible, take your teen on a trip before the move to check out the area. Go try a new restaurant, hang out at the mall, or visit the park. Exploring the area will help the environment become more familiar. If you can’t visit before the move, then ask your teen to research your new city or town and find specific information that will be relevant to your family, such as what fun attractions are nearby, where the local recreation facility is, or when registration is for the local sports, clubs, lessons, or other activities your teen likes.

Visit the new school. One of the most important things you can do when preparing for a move is to take your children to visit their new school. Most schools offer a tour for new families. You could also find out if there’s an upcoming orientation or other event that your teen could attend. At a minimum, have your teen come with you when you register them for school. Before you move, research school clubs and teams that your teen can join. If you’re moving before the school year begins, sign them up for a summer club or team so when they do begin school they will already recognize some friendly faces.

Create a task list. Some teens feel a measure of control when they are making contributions. Make a list of tasks that need to be accomplished for the move and ask your teen if they would be interested in helping with any of them.

Take care of yourself. Teach your teen that our physical wellbeing has a profound effect on our mental wellbeing. When we take good care of our bodies, we are better able to cope with stress. Encourage your family to stay healthy and focus on basic needs during this big change:

• Eat well. Try to eat as healthy as possible. Ironically, when we are stressed, we tend to overindulge in comfort foods or alcohol, but those tend to make us feel worse. Eating a healthy diet reduces your body’s stress.
• Prioritize sleep. Adolescents should be getting around nine hours of sleep each night. Lack of sleep is correlated with poor school performance, increased risk of obesity, impairment in immunity, mood shifts, and reductions in memory and concentration.
• Exercise. Exercising two to three times a week has been found to significantly decrease symptoms of depression. Even just walking around the block releases hormones that can help you feel better.
• Relax. Use methods of relaxation that work for you. Many people like journaling, practicing yoga, listening to music, drawing, meditating, or deep breathing.

Maintain contact. If your teen wants to keep old friendships intact, offer suggestions for how they can do that. Ask your teen how they’d like to say goodbye to their friends. Do they want a party or would they rather have a weekend get-together with a few friends? Find out, then help them plan it. If that feels too overwhelming, offer to buy your teen a scrapbook so they can have friends, teachers or coaches write a note and provide e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers so they can stay in touch. If possible, offer to visit the old neighborhood from time to time, and/or invite some old friends to spend weekends and vacations with you.

Final Thoughts…

Adjusting to a move may take some time, but the coping skills that teens learn from this change will help them be more resilient and can be applied to other difficult life events in their future. Despite their emotional reactions to the move, keep reaching out to your teen and communicate in your words and actions that they aren’t alone and you’ll be going through this new adventure together. While not easy, moving does provide practice for handling change and the opportunity to grow closer as a family.