Our culture does not always seem to value integrity, and our youth receive a lot of mixed messages about the merit of having good principles. Some teens have seen too many adults acting unethically to believe it’s important. Meanwhile, media subtly communicates to teens that the ends justifies the means – to get ahead, do whatever you need to do to overcome the obstacles to your success.

Providing our youth vague advice, such as “do the right thing!” does not provide them with the reasons and means to follow through, nor does it allow them the opportunity to think through the complexities of living responsibly in our culture. So, let’s consider some of the common dilemmas today’s youth face and how we can encourage teenagers to develop into adults with good principles.

Common ethical dilemmas that teens face:

The fact is, teenagers make tough decisions every day, and peer pressure often makes it more difficult for them to choose the right path.

Cheating. Cheating is epidemic in our schools, making it a common problem teens face daily. The importance placed on grades puts a lot of pressure on teens which can give them the mentality that it’s ok to do whatever it takes to succeed. Teens might give a peer answers to a test to please a friend or to fit in. Teens might justify cheating if they will be penalized for getting a low grade (e.g., getting kicked off a sports team or losing some privilege from a parent).

Lying. Teens are often tempted to lie for many reasons, such as wanting to avoid punishment, fit in with their peers, get out of responsibilities, protect a friend, hide their own bad behavior, or avoid disappointing someone.

Snitching. In the teenage world, telling on someone is perceived as a betrayal of your peers and can lead to harsh rejection. Teens often know they should tell an adult if they see someone acting poorly, but the fear of the consequences from their peers is difficult to overcome.

Experimenting. Youth face the ethical dilemma of choosing whether to have sex, drink alcohol, or try other drugs. Teens can develop many justifications for experimenting, and they face a significant amount of peer pressure in this area.

How to Raise a Teen with Integrity

People with integrity are generally happier, more successful in their relationships with other people, and more likely to contribute positively to society. Here are some tips for raising a teen with integrity:

Role model. Teens learn more from watching your actions than from listening to your words, so make sure you are walking your talk! When your teen overhears you talking to others or sees the choices that you make throughout the day, they are witnessing your true moral code. Therefore, you might try asking yourself each day what your child may have learned from you. Additionally, try to surround your teen with other people who are good examples of integrity.

Define your values. Does your child know what you stand for and why? Research shows that children are more likely to adopt their parents’ beliefs when the parents have clearly identified values. If you’re not sure what you stand for, then begin by making a list of all the qualities and moral beliefs that matter most to you. Examples of values you might want your teen to develop are honesty, compassion, forgiveness, hope, discipline, work ethic, creativity, tolerance, or strength. Choose 3-4 values that are important to you and then use those to guide how you conduct yourself and raise your teen.

Avoid common parenting mistakes. When teens make mistakes, most parents respond by punishing their teen, blaming someone else for their teen’s problem, rescuing and/or making up excuses for their teen, or shaming their child. While all of these are natural responses, they are not helpful to your teen’s moral development. It’s hard to accept that our teen has made a mistake, but it’s important to let him/her live with the natural consequences of their actions without further lecture from us. When we avoid blaming others, rescuing our child, shaming them, or imposing over-the-top punishments, we are allowing our teen to learn from his/her mistakes, take accountability, and develop into a responsible adult. 

Label them good. We need to help our youth define themselves as good people who are learning. This requires frequently telling teens that they are good people. When they make a mistake, we should state that it is simply a learning lesson or a detour from a path that they can return to. Never label your teen a cheater, liar, or other negative name – remind them that they are good and help guide them back to better choices.

Ask questions. One of the best ways to help youth think through ethical dilemmas is to ask them open ended questions. These questions, which can make great dinner conversations, get them thinking about different situations they may face in life and also allow you to share your values without lecturing or preaching. Use situations in real life, news, books or movies to stretch your teen’s moral development. Good questions to ask are, “How would you feel in that situation?” or “What would happen if…?” or “Do you think that was the right thing to do?”

Express confidence in their ability to make ethical choices. People often live up to others’ expectations of them. If you tell your teen not to do drugs, but then say you think they will probably drink alcohol at a party, you have told them you expect them to fail. Instead convey your certainty that they have the strength, values, and determination to make an ethical choice even when it’s difficult.

Final Thoughts…

You are a powerful influence on your teen! While it may not seem like your teen is very interested in what you have to say or do, your words and actions will shape the values, habits, beliefs and morals your child will have for the rest of their life. Do not take this parental responsibility lightly. Nurture, teach, influence, and model the behavior you desire, and you have the potential to raise a child you can be proud of.