The values that children believe are important to their parents have a significant impact on their development. In fact, researchers have found that children performed better in school – both in grades and behavior – if they believed that their parents valued kindness over personal achievement or success. Ironically, the research demonstrated that children whose parents pushed them to achieve academically actually had lower grades and were more likely to experience depression or anxiety.

We are given so many messages that our children need stellar grades and extracurriculars to be able to succeed in life that their personal achievement might seem absolutely vital for their future. In truth, science shows us the opposite. Encouraging our children to embrace kindness can help them feel happier, experience better relationships, AND improve their chance of success. While it can feel surprisingly hard in our society’s current culture to not focus on every resume-building opportunity, we encourage parents to focus instead on their child’s values.

Parents should always work to instill good character in their teens, which means talking to them about the importance of integrity and respect, and how backstabbing or gossiping can harm their relationships. Your teen should know that you believe friends and family are as important, if not more, than any achievements or awards. When your children know that you value kindness, or other important character traits such as responsibility and resilience, they will behave in ways that build relationships as well as success.

So, in today’s blog, we will be exploring how to instill the value of kindness in your children, but you can use the first two steps – role modeling and discussing examples – to encourage any character trait that you value.

Ways to Encourage Kindness in Teens

Kindness is treating others with respect, compassion and care. It is a decision to show another person friendship or to consider how another person might be feeling, even in a difficult or uncomfortable situation. The “busyness” of our culture can often make us self-focused, so we must intentionally decide to be kind. There are 4 simple ways to encourage our teens to be kind. You don’t have to do all of these at one time. Pick one and see how it impacts your teen.

Role model. Studies show that parental role modeling is the primary way that children learn the values they will carry for life. Research also demonstrates that children are incredibly observant about their parents and learn to behave in the same ways regardless of what their parents say. We must act compassionate to our children and others, work to ease the suffering of others, and consider how others might feel in specific circumstances. If our kids never see us reach out in friendship to the shy mom sitting by herself in the bleachers, how can we expect them to seek out the lonely kid in the cafeteria at school? Demonstrate kindness in your everyday life and you will raise a kind teenager.

Discuss examples. Look for and point out examples of people being kind in books, movies, and the news. Discuss great leaders and thinkers that you admire and talk about how they helped and empowered other people. When your teen sees you admiring others who show kindness, they will begin to adopt those behaviors as well.

Encourage volunteerism. Community service exposes your teen to those less fortunate and helps them realize that they can improve someone else’s life. Volunteering provides youth with so many benefits, such as instilling a good work ethic, developing a sense of purpose and self-confidence, providing new perspective on life and gratitude for what you have, and offering hands-on experience in the real world. Local volunteering options include animal shelters, halfway houses, nursing homes, hospitals, churches, homeless shelters, soup kitchens or doing yard work for an elderly neighbor.

Embrace random acts of kindness. Encourage your teen to smile at people they pass, hold the door open for someone, or give a compliment. Explain that these types of actions may seem small, but they have the ability to brighten a person’s day or turn their moods around. Exposing your teens to ways that they can make a difference will teach them an important lesson in the value of kindness.

Final Thoughts…

When we raise teenagers, it’s hard not to focus on their every success or mistake – after all, we want the very best for them! But their successes and mistakes do not define them as a person. Their values do. Work to instill the character traits you value most and you will raise a teen who will feel more confident and be able to embrace their successes and rise above their mistakes for a lifetime.