Many parents and educators tend to shy away from talking about dating with youth, but that’s a mistake. Dating is a major developmental milestone on the path to independence, so it’s an important topic to discuss with youth. Dating is not just an annoying distraction in your teen’s life; it actually helps young people learn to get along with others, communicate, negotiate, make decisions, and learn to be assertive.

Dating is a privilege for your teen, and you should establish important rules for dating teens as well as consequences for not following the rules. When your teen wants to date, discuss the rules you believe are important, ask for your teen’s input, and compromise where you can see your teen’s viewpoint. Also discuss the consequences of not following the rules. We highly recommend writing the rules and consequences down in a “dating contract” so that there is not confusion over expectations.

Here are Important Rules for Dating Teens:

Establish Age Limits

Do not assume your teen is ready to date at a certain age. Some teens are interested in dating earlier than others, and some teens are ready for dating later than others. Your teen’s maturity level should be the deciding factor in being granted the privilege of dating. Assuming they are mature, most experts tend to recommend that teens wait until they are 16 years old before going on a one-on-one date. For younger teens, it is appropriate to allow your child’s boyfriend/girlfriend to come over to your house or go out with him/her with a group of friends to public places. You might make a rule that your teen cannot go on a one-on-one date until they are 16 years old.

Finally, consider making a rule about possible age gaps between your teen and their partner. For example, there is usually a big difference in maturity level between a 14-year-old and an 18-year-old, which can lead to the younger teen being pressured into more intimacy than they are ready for. Encourage your teen to date people who are close in age. You might make a rule that they cannot date someone more than 2 years older or 2 years younger than they are.

Get to Know Your Teen’s Dates

While it’s fine for teens to go out in group settings, make it clear that your teen cannot go out on a one-on-one date with someone until you have had the opportunity to meet that person. Invite your teen’s date to dinner at your home or on a fun family activity. At a minimum, your teen’s date should come inside and chat for awhile before the couple bolts out the door. However, you also need to make a big effort not to embarrass your teen at that time. Don’t tell stories about their childhood, for example. Also, don’t lecture them on all the rules. You should have had the “rules” discussion with your own teen, so you don’t need to reiterate them in front of the date. Make it a low-stress, pleasant get-to-know-you event.

Keep the Bedroom Door Open

Do not allow your teen and their date complete privacy, which will only tempt them to engage in sexual activity. If your teen invites a date into your home, make a rule that says the door must stay open at all times.

Get the Specifics

Regardless of whether your teen is on a date or not, you should always get the details of any outing your teen makes. You should always know who your teen will be with, where they will be going, what they will be doing, who will be driving, and when your teen will be home. If their plans change, your teen should contact you right away. If your teen is going to a date’s home, find out who will be home. Have a conversation with the date’s parents to talk about their rules. Other families may not have any set rules or may not see the need to provide any type of supervision. Dating rules should include:

• I will be home – in the door and date gone – by my curfew of ____.
• I will tell my parents where I am going to be, and with whom, for the entire time I am gone.
• I will notify my parents if my plans change while on my date.

Expect Respect

Another rule parents should enforce is that your teen must require their date to be respectful of them and your family. This is a great time to discuss signs of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Someone new to dating might not realize that the way their partner is treating them is not appropriate unless they are given information ahead of time. If you aren’t sure how to discuss the warning signs of unhealthy relationships, please refer to our previous blog, Teaching Youth to Recognize Unhealthy Relationships.

Final Thoughts…

Dating is a really exciting and important part of growing up. Our role is to prepare youth for this experience with as much information as possible. Through conversations and role modeling, teens should know their family’s values, how to be assertive, the characteristics of healthy relationships, signs of dating abuse, and your dating rules.