Friendships are vitally important to teens. In adolescence, it’s developmentally appropriate for teens to try to develop more independence and create their own identity separate from their family. As they prepare to pull away from their parents, youth need the acceptance and support of their peers. In addition to offering general companionship, adolescent friendships help teens develop conflict resolution skills, cope with stress, and feel stability during transitions. Adolescents with good friends have higher academic achievement and self-esteem, enjoy better mental health, and are less likely to drop out of school or get involved in risky behaviors.

So, with all these great benefits, how can we help teens develop quality friendships? Today’s article will explore what parents can do to encourage healthy relationships, as well as the signs of a healthy vs. unhealthy friendship.

Teach Teens Relationship Red Flags

Since youth are so inexperienced in relationships, they are often unaware of the signs of an unhealthy friendship. Be sure to inform teenagers of these red flags:

• Feeling pressured to change yourself just to get along. Pay attention to how you act around this person. If you can’t be yourself without fearing you will lose the friendship, something is wrong. Maybe you stop sharing good news because you’ve come to expect a subtly competitive reaction instead of genuine excitement. Or you soften your opinions, downplay your accomplishments or defer to their preferences to avoid their judgment or gain their approval.
• Organizing or initiating every interaction. You shouldn’t be the only one putting energy into the relationship. You shouldn’t feel drained at the end of every gathering. The relationship’s survival shouldn’t depend on your work alone.
• Feeling put down. Friends do not make you feel bad about yourself. No one should call you names, insult or criticize you, put down your accomplishments, make you feel guilty, or otherwise attack you personally. A friend should not talk poorly about you to others, make cruel jokes, spread rumors, or belittle you, whether in person, behind your back or online. Toxic friends tend to say or do cruel things, then say they’re only joking. It’s a classic pattern, making you feel bad and then making you feel guilty or stupid for feeling bad.

Teach Teens Expectations for Healthy Friendships

Teens need to know that healthy relationships uplift you. True friends are honest, supportive, trustworthy, caring, loyal, and forgiving. Let your teen know that they should expect this type of treatment from their friends and offer the same treatment to their friends. A good rule of thumb is to consider how you feel after an interaction with a friend – do you feel better or worse about yourself? 

What Parents Can Do to Encourage Quality Friendships

While social skills aren’t taught in a classroom, parents can improve their child’s chances of connecting with quality friends with the following techniques:

• Role model being a good friend to others.
• Discuss the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships listed above.
• Encourage participation in new groups. Getting involved in activities is a great way to meet people with similar interests.
• Gently point out behavior or attitudes that may turn potential friends away. Remind youth of the importance of a friendly smile and eye contact.
• Discuss conflict resolution. Help teens practice compromise, advocating for themselves, problem-solving, and communicating in a positive way.
• Occasionally include your teen’s friends in family outings or game nights.

What should you do when your teen is hanging out with kids you just don’t like or don’t share your values? Can you change their friends? The short answer is no. Your teen can pick and choose their friends, and you don’t get veto power. You can certainly set rules around behaviors, but you cannot choose with whom your teen is friends.

Friendly Drama

As you probably know, teenagers tend to be on an emotional roller coaster. They can overreact, be moody, and sometimes be difficult to be around, all of which can cause bumps in their friendships. Do not be surprised that adolescents experience drama in their interactions that would be unheard of in the adult world. When your child’s relationships get volatile, the key is to help your teen deal responsibly with his/her emotions (i.e. expressing feelings rather than taking an action of revenge). Encourage your teen to understand the problem from the friend’s point of view and brainstorm possible solutions. Do not assume that every drama is a red flag.

Final Thoughts…

Healthy friendships are a joy and vitally important during adolescence. However, while parents may want their teen to have those healthy relationships, they should also encourage their child to have a mind of their own. This will help them successfully navigate peer pressure and manage conflict. Be careful that you don’t push your teen to join a certain group of friends, or take part in certain “cool” activities, because you think they will be happier. Instead, teach your child that it is okay for friends to disagree or have different interests, beliefs, or tastes in clothing, music, and hobbies. Encourage teens to seek their own path and find friends that respect their individuality and are nice to be around.