Any parent with a teenager in their home knows that it is not an easy task to get them to talk and share. Conversing with a teen can be filled with one-word responses and plenty of eye-rolling. But if you feel that your teen is particularly remote or resists almost any positive communication with you, you might be making some common mistakes that are causing your teen to withdraw. Take an honest look at your communication with your teen and see if you are guilty of any of these common pet peeves of teens:

Forcing conversations they don’t want. If your teen comes home from school and seems down, or stops hanging out with a friend they used to like, or won’t talk about how things are going in an extracurricular, ask them why. If they don’t want to talk about it, let it go. Obviously, parents must force some conversations – for example, if a teen’s safety is compromised – but if a teen doesn’t seem ready to discuss their feelings, just tell them that you care about them and are available anytime if they need help or want to talk. Teens hate to be forced to talk about things that they haven’t fully worked out themselves and might just need some time to process.

Pushing your viewpoint. Recognize that your teen will likely disagree with you on some issues and that some conflict is natural. You are not identical to each other, nor should you be. Reframe conflict as an opportunity to listen to each other about your experiences and learn from each other. If your teen expresses disagreement, you can ask questions why, but otherwise, agree to disagree.

Interrupting. Being interrupted is frustrating – it gives the impression that you think you’re more important than the other person, or that you don’t have time for what they have to say. If you are naturally a quicker thinker or speaker, force yourself to slow down so that your teen can express themselves.

Criticizing. Research shows that people thrive in a positive and encouraging environment, not in a critical one. Criticizing your teen makes them feel like a failure. If you feel like your teen is making poor choices, make sure you are role modeling the behavior you want and also ask your teen a lot of open-ended questions to help them get to the right path themselves.

Jumping to conclusions. Avoid expressing disapproval or judgment. Instead, focus on hearing your teen’s side of the story completely and understanding their thoughts before you even say a word. Ask questions to show that you are listening and to make sure you know the whole story. Listening closely to someone and working to understand their viewpoint does NOT mean that you think they are right.

Belittling their ideas. Teens often have big ideas that are completely unrealistic. However, putting down the idea can shut your teen down. Instead, respond with curiosity. You don’t have to say you think it’s a great idea, but you could ask them why they like the idea, or how they plan to accomplish it. Just listening to them and asking probing questions cannot only show support to your teen, but help them realize whether it’s a viable idea or not, all by themselves.

Final thoughts…

Opening lines of communication takes time and patience, so go slow and don’t let setbacks derail your efforts. You will see slow changes over time. Parents who actively listen to their teenagers (hearing someone talk is different from concentrating on what that person is saying) have closer relationships with their children and improve their children’s chances of a successful adulthood. If you are not seeing any progress in your communication, start by taking a good look at how you act and react when talking with the teens in your life. If a teen’s communication is deteriorating fast, talk with a mental health professional for help.