Regardless of the generation, teenagers have often used music as a way to relax, bond with friends, and develop their own identities. There is something delightful to youth in blaring a particularly great song. Equally as common, parents hate the “loud noise.” They find the lyrics too offensive, the volume too loud, and the songs too chaotic. It seems each generation goes through this ritual of teens enjoying loud renditions of the latest musical trends and parents objecting to the noise.

If you are a parent of a teen with objectional music taste and/or volume, here are some strategies to help.

Find compromises to volume. Teens really enjoy playing their music at a high volume. It creates a way to blow off steam and embrace deep feelings. If the volume is negatively impacting the family, avoid simply telling your teen to turn it off. Instead, suggest alternatives that will allow everyone satisfaction. For example, your teen can use their headphones. If they really don’t like using headphones, then give them hours during the day when blaring music is acceptable. Perhaps between 2-5 p.m., you can promise to not comment on their music volume, but after 5pm they must turn it off, play it quietly, or put on headphones. This gives everyone something they want and teaches the value and method of finding compromise in relationships.

Put it in perspective. In a culture where everything feels potentially harmful to our children, we can be a bit quick to jump to worry and concern. If you’re anxious that your teen’s music will lead them down a troubled path, take a moment to reflect whether their music is a true problem in the grand scheme of life. Try to remember what music you listened to when you were a teen. Were there offensive lyrics included? Did it make you a bad person to listen to them? Most teens pay little attention to the lyrics and focus more on the “feeling” of the song. Even if they notice the lyrics, teens very rarely use them to guide their own behavior or values.

Ignore it. While you have the authority to forbid your teen from listening to certain music, you should recognize that this will likely make it more appealing and they will find other times and places to listen to it without your knowledge. Additionally, when parents shame something that a teen loves, it often makes teens feel rejected, misunderstood and/or alienated. In many cases the simplest way to deal with a teen’s musical tastes is to ignore them altogether. Let them listen to whatever they want. If their music leads to poor behavior, which is unlikely, then you can address the behavior specifically rather than criticize something they enjoy.

Use it to open discussions. Teens often feel misunderstood by the adults in their lives because they feel attacked, rejected, or judged. Rather than putting down your teen’s taste in music and/or volume, approach the situation with curiosity. Ask your teen why they enjoy listening to this type of music. Ask how it makes them feel to play the music loudly. Ask your teen what they think the lyrics mean and if they agree with them. Seek to understand their point of view and find common ground. Once you understand where they are coming from, you can offer your perspective. For example, you might say, “I can understand how you enjoy that beat. I remember blaring this one song when I was young that my parents hated because I loved the rhythm. I guess I was concerned because the lyrics in that song seem to demean women, but I can see that you might not have considered that. What do you think of that song’s message?” If you can start conversations with your child in a non-confrontational way, you will be teaching your teen to think critically and to consider other viewpoints, without judging their own feelings and/or preferences. This will make you a safe space for future difficult conversations as well.

Final Thoughts…

A famous saying when raising teens is “pick your battles.” If you fight everything, you will exhaust yourself and damage your relationship with your child. If you choose to focus your energy on only the most important issues, you will likely realize that their music isn’t worth a battle.