During adolescence, youth are trying to figure out who they are, establish their independence, and express themselves all while dealing with significant hormone fluctuations and peer pressure. Every child handles these challenges differently. Unfortunately, in some teens, this process can cause them to act out in an angry, argumentative, withdrawn, or rebellious manner. Parenting a defiant teen is hard, and you most likely feel angry, worried, frustrated, and exhausted. While there is no right or wrong way to handle defiant behavior, there are some actions parents can take that will certainly improve the situation. Experts say that defiant behavior can be reduced with these parenting strategies:

Become an amazing listener. As parents, we often think we are supposed to provide guidance and advice, but teens are at a time in life where they want more independence. Giving advice or opinions without being asked often feels like control to the other person, even if the advice is well-intentioned. Instead, when your teen is sharing their thoughts or emotions, listen fully without jumping in with judgment, advice or solutions. Listen way more than you speak. Simply being present can help your child feel supported and, ironically, help them solve their own problems.

Seek to understand. All human want to feel understood. Your child is an individual and needs to know that they’re valued, accepted and respected for who they are. One way to do this is by taking your child’s developing ideas and opinions seriously, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. Ask open ended questions to fully understand their point of view.

Don’t take it personally. It’s hard to not take a teen’s criticism or defiant behavior personally or assume that everyone else is judging our parenting based on our teen’s unwanted behaviors. It hurts and makes us feel angry. However, most of the time, a teen’s disrespect or poor choices are much more about them testing limits and expressing independence than anything about you. Your teen’s brain is still developing so they haven’t mastered managing their emotions or controlling their impulses. It’s easier to deal with their poor behavior in a calm way when we can realize that it’s not a reflection of us.

Build on the positive. Teens with defiant behavior are generally only getting one message from everyone around them: “you’re bad.” It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Instead, frequently catch them doing something – anything – good. The more positive attention a teen gets for being compliant, the less negative attention they will seek by being defiant. Home should be the primary place where youth get positive reinforcement and non-confrontational support, so we don’t want to focus on the negative.

Stop nagging. Nagging is a way of finding fault, and it tends to wear people down instead of build them up. Nagging doesn’t work, demotivates, and creates resentment. As a result, teens tune it out. Instead, be careful to choose your battles. Before you criticize, ask yourself, ‘In the grand scheme of life, does this particular behavior really matter?’ and ‘Is this really worth fighting about?’ If the specific behavior that irritated you is not damaging your teen’s health or putting them in danger, then letting it go is a better option for the entire household. 

Acknowledge difficulties. If we dismiss our teen’s stress, no matter how inconsequential it seems to us, we are minimizing their feelings. Growing up in the modern day is very different and the world is more complex and faster moving than when you grew up. We should offer empathy to teens for the challenges they face.

Make sure your rules and consequences are appropriate for their age. If you are overly strict or permissive, you are setting yourself up for trouble. Take the time to determine what rules fit your teen’s maturity level, seeking their input. Most importantly, consistently follow through every single time with consequences that fit the crime.

Laugh. Don’t forget to find humor in life, as this can be the best stress reliever of all. If you can model a good sense of humor in the face of stress, you will teach your teen a lot about finding the bright side of things, relieving stress through laughter, and resilience in the face of difficulties. However, key point here… do not laugh AT your teen. Do not make a joke at their expense. You should laugh at your own stressful situations or find videos or shows to laugh at together.

Final Thoughts…

After taking care of every aspect of our child’s life when they were young, it is very difficult to step back and hand the reins over to our teen, who probably still feels very young to you. But in general, all of us will be happier people if we stop trying to exert control over other people. Rather than always offering our teen advice, being invested in the outcomes of our teen’s life, or feeling frustrated when our teen doesn’t make what we consider the “right” decisions, we should instead step back and let them experience all of the ups and downs and highs and lows of life.

While we want to make sure we are allowing our teen an appropriate amount of freedom and control, this does not mean that we let them do anything they want, or throw up our hands and withdraw from our parenting responsibilities. Children who believe that their parents have lost trust in them, or have given up on them, will actually increase their negative behavior in order to get the only kind of reaction they can still get from their parents. No matter how defiant your teen becomes, you should still establish house rules and enforce them with appropriate and consistent consequences, maintain high expectations for your children, and give them plenty of positive attention.