Creating Family Harmony for the Holidays
We often have great expectations for the holidays. We want perfect gatherings with all of our extended family, laughing and sharing special moments. The reality is often a bit messier than that, but that doesn’t mean that you have to give up on a great holiday. You just have to make wise choices that prioritize peace.
To create family harmony during the holidays, parents need to be the leaders in changing their perspectives and making positive choices. Here are some ideas:
Set your own schedule. Recognize that you’re not personally responsible for meeting everyone’s holiday expectations. Rather than allow everyone else to dictate your holiday schedule, hold a family meeting (with your spouse and children, not extended family members) and discuss options. Each family member should identify the most important thing or event that makes the holiday special for them. Schedule these priorities on your family calendar. Then, go through the remaining demands on your time and decide as a unit whether you enjoy it or not. For example, if you have received 5 party invitations, decide together which ones you genuinely want to attend and then, skip the rest. Don’t feel guilty for being purposeful with your time. You will reduce your stress and increase your joy if you will take the steps to say no sometimes. You will also role model healthy boundary-setting for your teens.
Move past anger. Your parents may be difficult, your sibling may be unforgiving, or your teen may be distant. Choosing to love them anyway takes patience, determination, and humility. Let go of the expectations you may have for them, and simply accept them for who they are.
Guard your tongue. Don’t give advice that isn’t requested. Don’t pressure. Don’t criticize. These will only anger your family members and cause conflict. In fact, try to make a holiday resolution that everything you say is an encouragement to the receiver. If it’s not encouraging, keep it to yourself.
Relinquish control. Things do not have to be done the way they have always been done. Traditions can change, and often times should change as your children mature. New ideas can bring new life to a family. Ask your teenager which traditions they still love, which they might like to give up, and if they have some ideas for new family traditions during the holiday. Simple things – such as baking cookies or watching a specific movie – can create lasting memories. Adolescents gain a sense of belonging and comfort when traditions are maintained in a thoughtful and collaborative way.
Release the need to be appreciated. Teens are not especially good at appreciating all that their parents do for them. Be sure you choose to do holiday activities that give you joy instead of the ones you think you are “supposed” to do. Your teen is not going to notice the hours you slaved away on making the perfect decoration. If you love to do it, then great, but if you require accolades to derive any pleasure from the activity, don’t waste your time. If you focus on only doing activities that give you joy, your teen WILL appreciate that his/her parents are less stressed over the holidays!
Know your limits. Be honest with yourself about the length of time you can comfortably spend with your extended family without feeling bitter, and choose to leave before that moment. Family conflict is very stressful, especially to children. Be aware of everyone’s need for personal space – just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean that your teen wants to share their bedroom with their cousin. If you’re traveling to a family member’s home for the holidays, seriously consider staying in a hotel. Take proactive steps to reduce the chance for disagreements.
Final Thoughts…
Recall your favorite holiday memories from your childhood and you will likely discover that it was simple things that delighted you. We rob ourselves of the joy when we try to make everything so hectic, intense and over the top. Try to prioritize the things that bring your family the most joy and let go of the rest.