Raising teenagers has its highs and lows, but one of the fundamental things a child needs is a parent who stays consistent in showing them love and acceptance through good times and bad. Even as teens make mistakes or start to rebel, they still need the stability and support that comes from a parent who loves them for who they are, no matter what.

This is much easier said than done. Parenting is often a true mystery, a lesson in patience, and a difficult dance of trial and error. You might have the best of intentions in the way you parent your teen, but still not get the results in behavior you want. Teens are on an emotional roller coaster and will often take their volatile feelings out on parents because the family is a safe space. Teens might also be negatively influenced by peers and the media.

You may find yourself not liking your teen very much, or feeling disappointed in their behavior, or being very worried about their safety. All of these moments challenge our patience and relational bonds. When parents find themselves in these difficult moments, it’s important to remember that normal development is full of mistakes, accomplishments, obstacles, joys, failures, and gratitude. A parent’s steady presence is often all a child needs to weather whatever crises they encounter.

The alternative to this type of support is to offer your child “conditional” love, implying that your child must earn your love.  If we use our love as a bargaining chip to alter our teen’s behavior (for example, I will only show you acceptance when you get all your chores done on time), we might see some short-term results, but it will be at the expense of our relationship. In these cases, teens feel they need to fulfill their parents’ expectations in order to be accepted, which causes youth to do one or more of the following: 1) question their worth, 2) develop anxiety, and/or 3) create resentment and anger towards the parent(s).

Evidence-Based Science

Multiple studies have revealed the positive effects of unconditional love, as well as the negative results when children do not receive it. Here are some research results:

• Children with affectionate mothers have a larger hippocampus, the part of the brain that controls memory and learning capabilities.
• Adults who experienced a lack of affection in childhood are more stressed and have greater disease risk.
• Parental warmth and affection protect children against the negative impacts of stress.
• Mothers who were less controlling when playing with their young children had stronger bonds with their kids.
• College students who received conditional approval tended to feel ashamed often and tended to resent and dislike their parents.

How to Show Unconditional Love When You Disapprove of a Teen’s Behavior

To be clear, unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval. You can dislike or disapprove of a behavior without disapproving of your teen as a person. You can stand by them and love them regardless of whether you agree with their actions. Unconditional love also does not mean that you won’t get angry or that you don’t have the right to display your anger. You can feel and express frustration, disappointment or even rage and yet still support your child.

One of the best ways to maintain unconditional love for your teen when they are behaving in a way you dislike is to remember your teen as a child. Our memories of a teen’s childhood can provide the reminder we need of how passionately we fell in love with them from the beginning. Our fond recollections of their development can help us remember who our child really is at their core and our hopes for their happiness and fulfillment. A trip down memory lane can provide perspective of how wonderful it has been to see their strengths, personality and interests develop over the years. Challenging times can quickly cause us to try using condemnation, threats and anger with our teen, but revisiting the best of your teen’s life might be all you need to maintain your patience and be the steady presence your child can rely on in good times or bad.

Final thoughts…

There is no magic formula for good parenting, and no words of wisdom that guarantee children won’t stray towards worrisome behaviors. Our parenting strategies must adjust as different situations arise and as our children mature, but our love and support should always remain constant. Our most valuable influence as parents is a strong bond and respectful relationship with our teen. If we can remain a stable force in our child’s life, they will feel more able to securely navigate a challenging world.