Have you seen examples of parents shaming their kids on social media? Some parents share details about a teen’s misadventures on their Facebook page, call out troubling behavior on their teen’s Instagram, or announce escalating consequences for anyone to see. While this public behavior is dramatic, it’s actually not uncommon for parents to try to shame their children into better behavior, whether publicly or in the privacy of their home. Shaming a teen can seem effective at first – it definitely gets their attention and often results in getting a teen to cooperate in the short run. The problem is that it never works in the long run to improve their behavior and can seriously damage a child’s self-esteem as well as the parent-child relationship.

In this article, we will explore what shaming is, how it impacts youth, and how you can improve your teen’s behavior without shaming them.

What is shame?

Shame is a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper. It is a powerful emotion that can play a significant role in mental health and behavior. Adolescents, in particular, tend to feel shame more acutely than adults do. As a result, they’re more vulnerable to its adverse effects, such as low self-esteem and depression. In addition, if a teen is made to feel ashamed often, they tend to believe they are fundamentally flawed, which results in feeling they are worthless or have no value. 

What constitutes shaming a child?

Sometimes, it can be hard to know what might cause a child to feel shame. A parent might say something with good intentions – such as sharing a story they think is cute or trying to guide a child to more positive behavior – not realizing they are causing their child distress. Here are some examples of shaming:

• Telling embarrassing or revealing stories about your child to others
• Taking what should be a private conversation about behavior and consequences and making it public by sharing it with friends, family, or social media
• Making a child feel bad about themselves, as a person, instead of focusing on the actual behavior you’re trying to address, such as “You’re such a bad kid.”
• Undermining their choices, such as “Do you really want to go out looking like that?” or “Why would you do something like that?”
• Expressing disappointment, such as “You let your teammates down during that game” or “I’m embarrassed to be seen with you.”
• Making negative comparisons with their peers, such as “Why can’t you get good grades like your sister?” or “Why do you hang out at home all the time instead of going out like other kids?”
• Dismissing their feelings, such as “Why are you crying? It’s not that bad.”
• Expressing exasperation, such as “I don’t know why I even bother with you” or “I’m so tired of dealing with you.”

What is the impact of shame on children?

Shame is such a powerful emotion that it can have a profound effect on youth. A child feeling shame almost always has lower self-esteem, is more likely to engage in negative self-talk, and is more likely to not believe in themselves. These types of feelings do not usually wane as they grow older and will often linger into adulthood. Shaming can reshape an adolescent’s outlook on life, turning a formerly happy, friendly and optimistic child into a moody, anxious teen. And public shaming (such as posts on social media or harsh comments in front of peers) tears down the trust that a child has in their parent and damages your long-term relationship.

Shame often causes teens to turn inward, becoming withdrawn and isolated. They tend to have a lack of motivation to succeed or to cooperate with authority figures. They often struggle to maintain healthy relationships and are more vulnerable to peer pressure. Adolescents living with the burden of shame believe they are worthless, so they treat themselves that way. They may feel hopeless or engage in substance abuse, self-harm or other risky behaviors.

What if I’ve already publicly shamed my child?

If you have already shamed your child in public, don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes, and it’s not too late to make amends. In fact, there is no better lesson for a teen than seeing an adult take responsibility for a mistake, apologize, and work towards improvement. If you’ve publicly shamed your child, offer a sincere and genuine apology and offer assurances that it’s won’t happen again. This will begin to rebuild your trust and relationship with each other. Your connection to each other is actually your greatest tool in influencing your teen to better behavior.

How do I stop shaming my teen?

Shaming and criticism generally makes teens feel bad about themselves. It is very painful when the people you love the most, and whose opinion matters the most, say bad things about you. If you’re ready to stop shaming your child, then take these steps:

1. Stop and think before you speak. There are two things you should always ask yourself if you are about to criticize your child:
   1. Is this something they can change?
   1. Is it important that they change it?
2. Be brutally honest with yourself about the answers:
   1. If the answer to either question is no, then it’s not something to criticize and don’t waste your time or energy.
   1. If the answer to both is yes, then ask yourself these questions:
      1. Is this a good place and time to say anything?
      1. What is the best way to change this behavior?

We do best as parents when we take the time to understand the reasons behind our teen’s behavior and work collaboratively with our teen to consider ways to help them stay safe, be kind, and make healthy choices.

How do I influence my teen’s behavior without shaming?

The very best tool you have at your disposal for influencing your child’s behavior is maintaining a good relationship. While your relationship to your child will change during adolescence, there are ways to keep a positive connection (read our previous blog for ideas). When there is mutual respect, teens are much more eager to please their parents.

Establish good communication skills with teens. Use healthy communication with your children. Be honest and respectful. Avoid judgment or criticism. Ask open-ended questions and try to understand your child’s point of view regardless of whether you agree with it or not. Listen more than you talk. Parents that use this type of healthy communication style generally have good relationships with their teens and do not need to use shaming as a parenting strategy.

Set limits. Teens need realistic rules with clear consequences for not following them – as opposed to not knowing what you want from them or what will happen if they break the rules. Teens get very frustrated when they get into trouble for something they didn’t understand was wrong. You should have house rules that are understood by everyone in the family. Equally important is that you role model the behavior you expect.

Approach disobedience with patience. When your teen chooses to disobey you, have a conversation about their choices and what they can do differently next time. Rather than launching into a lecture, try saying, “I’d like you to tell me what happened.” Listen carefully before you respond, and follow up with, “what could you have done differently?” Affirm any ideas they suggest that could have been effective. You can also ask, “how can I help?” which makes your teen feel like you care and view you as a team member instead of an adversary.

Final Thoughts…

Shaming a child is really just manipulation. Try to build a healthy relationship with your teen so you don’t need to resort to shaming. If your teen’s behavior is especially difficult, and you don’t know how to gain their compliance, consider seeking professional help, such as a family counselor, who can help you identify healthy strategies for improving the family’s communication.