Many parents don’t know when to begin discussing sex with their children. Some parents worry that if they bring up the topic, their child will be more likely to want to have sex or engage in sexual activities earlier. This is a myth; studies have shown that the opposite occurs. When parents are involved in their teenagers’ sexual education, teens are much more likely to wait to have sex or to practice safe sex.

When considering appropriate ages for discussions about sex, the transition from middle school to high school is a pivotal one for teen sexual activity. According to the National Institutes of Health, while only 5–13% of adolescents report having had sex by 8th grade, 36% are sexually active by 10th grade. Therefore, it’s really important for parents to talk to their children about sex before they enter high school.

A recent research paper published in the Annals of Family Medicine found that Latino and Black fathers often underestimate when their teenage sons become sexually active, resulting in delayed education about safe sex practices and advice on condom use. This is concerning because Black and Latino communities are disproportionately affected by HIV and are at a unique disadvantage in accessing quality healthcare. All parents should provide their children with guidance about sexual activity, contraceptives and consent by the 8^th grade.

How to Talk to Children About Sex

Talking about sex with anyone is a bit embarrassing, and it can feel especially awkward talking with your children. Here are some tips for parents:

Converse over time. Do not lecture, and do not try to cram everything they need to know in one conversation. Ideally, sex should be discussed multiple times over the years, changing as your child matures. Adolescents crave info from a trusted adult source.

Avoid eye contact. It’s a great idea to broach the subject while you’re undertaking another task so that you don’t have to look at each other directly. Taking a walk together, doing yard work, or going for a drive can help everyone open up.

Use misdirection. Don’t try to start the conversation by asking about their sex lives or porn habits. Teens will immediately clam up. Instead, ask about their friends and/or peers. Discussing someone else can help a teen open up to you and gauge your reactions before they share their own experiences.

Do not wait for, or require, their questions. So many parents start these conversations with “ask me anything” or “what do you want to know?” Your teen doesn’t know what to ask! Instead, you should ask the questions. Find out what their friends are talking about. Ask what they learned in sex ed class at school. Discuss what they see on TV. Finally, even if you think they already know, give them important information about safe sex and consent before they start high school.

What to say. Parents need to explain sex, but we mean a lot more than just “intercourse.” In earlier years, parents should explain puberty, how babies are made (egg and sperm meeting to produce an embryo), and how a woman gets pregnant based on the menstrual cycle.  But, as your child matures, he/she should also be made aware of different types of sexual activity and that intercourse is pleasurable. You may not really want to discuss oral or anal sex with your child, but they are going to hear about it from their peers. Slightly more than half of American teenagers ages 15 to 19 have engaged in oral sex, with females and males reporting similar levels of experience. Unfortunately, teens often believe oral sex is “safer” than vaginal sex, which is not true. They also feel like they are still following their parents’ advice to “abstain” if they are not having traditional intercourse.

Don’t forget to discuss new trends. Today’s teens face different temptations than your generation. Porn and sexting are facts of life now. More than 1 in 4 teens have received an explicit photo, video or message. And 90% of teens have watched some form of porn online by the time they graduate. Parents need to discuss these specific issues, such as explaining that the bodies and techniques shown in porn are not real and providing information about what a teen should do if they receive an unwanted sext. Read our previous blogs about sexting and porn to obtain tips for these topics.

Safe sex, teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Teens need to know that there are pitfalls to becoming sexually active without thinking it through and taking precautionary steps. To combat this, teenagers need to know your family values, what becoming sexually active means for their health, how to protect against pregnancy and STDs, and the consequences involved if they do become pregnant or get a STD.

Recruit support. Don’t hesitate to ask another trusted adult, especially an extended family member such as a cool older cousin or youngish aunt or uncle, to supplement your efforts. This can be an easier way to ensure your teen is getting correct information and appropriate guidance.

Defining boundaries. Throughout your talks about sexuality with your child, you should clearly state that your child has the right to say “no” to anything that feels uncomfortable to them. Whether it’s just kissing, touching, oral sex, or intercourse, whether it’s with someone they know very well or very little, your teen should know that they have every right to refuse anything they don’t want to do. Please read our previous blog about Discussing Sexual Consent for Teens.

Awareness of sexual abuse or exploitation. Unfortunately, you also need to tell your teen that there are people who would use them for their own sexual fulfillment, which can range from taking photos, touching, to intercourse. You should discuss which situations they should avoid, and also that it isn’t always a stranger who abuses or molests. Make it clear that the abuser might be an adult friend, family member, an older youth or even a peer. Encourage your teen to talk to you if they ever feel uncomfortable about how someone is treating them. Read our previous blog to learn how to discuss healthy relationships with your teen.

Don’t only focus on the negative. Parents are often so concerned with everything they don’t want their teen to do, their conversations about sex can veer very negative. “Don’t have sex. Don’t get anyone pregnant. Don’t get a disease.” While these are all important messages, they shouldn’t be the only ones. We can become so focused on preventing pregnancy and STDs that we forget to talk about the positive aspects of sex. We want our teens to eventually grow up to enjoy their sexual relationships, so be sure to tell them that sex can be fun, pleasurable, and a wonderful part of a loving relationship.

Final Thoughts…

Most experts agree that families should be discussing the topic of sex in age-appropriate ways throughout their childhood, and that parents should talk about healthy relationships in regular, everyday conversations. This lets you and your child talk about your family values when it comes to friendship, dating, and love. You can reinforce the values that concern dating and relationships by discussing them with your teenager and modeling them with your spouse or significant other. Avoiding or delaying these conversations just force your teen to get their information from their peers, which is often incorrect.