Let’s face it: teenagers can be mean sometimes. They know their parents’ buttons and just how to push them. If your teen is lashing out at you, rest assured that you are not alone. Every parent has had their feelings hurt by the sharp tongue of their teenage son or daughter. While it feels absolutely terrible, in truth, this kind of behavior means that your teen is a normal adolescent who is trying to figure out how to become an independent adult. It’s important that parents and caregivers are patient and understanding because your teen is enduring a time of rapid physical, emotional, and social development, which can lead to a lot of confusion and uncertainty. However, that does not mean that parents should just accept bad behavior. We can be understanding while also setting clear boundaries and expectations for respectful behavior. Your teen doesn’t get a pass for being cruel.

With support and guidance, most teenagers are able to grow out of this difficult phase and become lovely people on the other side of adolescence. In the meantime, today’s blog discusses the possible causes of mean behavior and ways to handle it.

Possible Causes of Difficult Behavior

While it is very natural for a parent to feel hurt when on the receiving end of a mean son or daughter, their behavior is likely not about you at all. Consider these common causes for teens’ rude behavior:

1. Overwhelmed by Emotions. Teens are experiencing a rollercoaster of hormones and changes physically, mentally and socially. This leads to a great deal of insecurity that teens don’t know how to manage. In addition, they also don’t know how to deal with out-of-control emotions that rise up when something bothers them – maybe they got a bad grade, experienced an embarrassing moment at school, or discovered they weren’t invited to a social event. It’s much easier to get in a fight with you than to be self-reflective, vulnerable or manage their anger in a healthy way.
2. Struggling with Change. The shift from childhood to adulthood happens pretty abruptly. One day your child is holding your hand and hanging on your every word, and the next they want to be treated like an adult. Teens are trying to make sense of their new role, no longer a child but not yet an adult. It’s a difficult transition, so they tend to react in strange ways, cuddling up to you in one moment and rejecting you in the next.
3. Establishing Identity. Teens are trying to define themselves as a unique person. Breaking away from their identity as a child, they are seeking a way to define themselves on their own terms. This often involves “trying on” a lot of different identities and experimenting with new ideas and looks. They may even outwardly oppose everything you have ever valued during this time.
4. Seeking Independence. Teens want more control of their lives and have a natural urge to gain more independence. Along with that desire comes a lot of frustration when they push up against parental rules and boundaries. When your teen yells that you are the world’s worst parent, they are actually saying that they don’t like a lot of your decisions and/or rules. Every teenager becomes resentful that they can’t have as much freedom as they want.
5. Experiencing Distress. While most teen attitude is simply a natural part of adolescence, occasionally there might be a more serious problem. It is possible that teens who are mean are either engaging in substance abuse or have an undiagnosed mental health disorder. Mental health issues in teens can often include moodiness, irritability, and angry outbursts. Sudden changes in demeanor and mood can point to substance abuse. Be aware of the signs for both so that you can seek help if you suspect either mental health or substance abuse issues. If you believe your teen is experiencing true distress, then seek professional help right away. Talk to your pediatrician to figure out the next best step.

Understanding the cause of your teen’s behavior can help guide your response.

How to Deal with Rude Behavior

While we might be aware of how difficult raising teens can be, no parent deserves to be verbally abused or mistreated by their teen. We can be patient and understanding as our teen goes through the ups and downs of this challenging period, but that doesn’t mean we have to just take whatever attitude our teen is dishing out. Here are some tips for parents with a mean teen:

Avoid overreactions. Eye rolling, scoffing, smirking, door slamming are the preferred tools in every teenage arsenal to convey their displeasure. While these irritating behaviors are annoying, they aren’t necessarily something to correct. You must pick your battles, deciding which behaviors feel important to “fix,” and which behaviors you can ignore. For example, you should focus on any behaviors that are breaking house rules, but try to ignore eye rolling that is just generally expressing frustration.

Stay silent. As much as we may want to snap back when our teenager is so mean to us, it’s best to keep quiet in that moment. Generally, whatever we say when irritated, we will regret later. Your teen is literally trying to pick a fight with you, so not responding is the best tool. In addition, sometimes teens will fill silences, so the teen who might not be a talker will suddenly reveal the source of their frustration if there’s extended quiet. 

Try texting. Teens are notorious for avoiding awkward conversations, so take a page from their book and try sending them a message instead of confronting them face to face. You might send a text that says, “I’m just curious. What would have worked better for you for completing your chores?” This way, you are defusing the situation and problem-solving at the same time.

Role model. As a parent, you have plenty of opportunities to show your kids how you manage your own behavior when you’re annoyed or upset. Demonstrate that you don’t have to agree with someone to treat them respectfully. Never badmouth anyone (including teachers or coaches) in front of your child. Your teen is watching you, even if they don’t seem like they care what you do, and they tend to hate anything they consider hypocritical. If you value respect, model respectful behavior.

Reconsider your role as parent. Take time to reflect on what you think your role as a parent is. Some parents think their role is to help their teens feel better or solve their problems. When we try to do this, we actually rob our teens of the opportunity to learn how to manage their own lives. When our children transition to teenagers, we must also transition our role from an authoritarian who tells their child what to do to a coach who offers guidance and suggestions.

Distract yourself. Adolescence is a normal time for your children to pull away and do their own things, which means that parents suddenly have a lot more time. If your teen is trying to gain their independence, then continually trying to engage with them will only cause more fights. Try to embrace the change and find new hobbies and activities to help you grow and enjoy other aspects of life.

Find support. Whether it’s a good friend or a support group, you need someone you can talk to and who will be there for you when you tell them how mean your teen is acting. When we have a safe place to vent or when we can blow off steam with our support network, then we have the patience to offer our teen the support that they need.

Notice good behavior. Constant correction breeds resentment. In fact, only focusing on your teen’s failures will increase poor behavior. Criticism rarely motivates anyone to improve. Regardless of how much and how often your teen is disrespectful, if you never acknowledge the times your teen manages to control their behavior or does something kind, they will likely stop trying. So, anytime that you notice your teen doing something well, praise them and be specific with what they did and why you appreciate it.

Family counseling. Family sessions with a trained counselor can shed light on issues that are not really confronted in the family home. The teen may have a valid reason for their hostility that needs to be worked through in family counseling. Or the counselor might be able to broker some negotiations to help everyone get on the same page and feel respected.

Create a contract. If the teen’s behavior is excessive and/or not letting up, the parent should create a behavior contract where minimal expectations are required. It’s best to have a family meeting when everyone is calm and negotiate the rules. Always stay focused on the behavior and leave feelings out of it. These expectations should be for everyone in the family, not just the teen. When these expectations are not met, there should be consequences listed for the behavior.

Final Thoughts…

These tips apply to mild to moderate disrespect from your teenager. If your teen threatens you, bullies others, is emotionally abusive to family members, is intentionally cruel to animals, shoves or hits anyone in your family, or punches holes in your walls, you absolutely should seek professional help. Contact your pediatrician’s office for a referral to a counselor or psychologist who knows how to deal with aggressive teenagers. If your teen is violent towards you, immediately seek help from a friend, relative or the police if necessary. It does not mean that you don’t love your child, but your safety and the safety of others should always come first.