It is very unfortunate that school shootings and gun violence have become so common that a majority of teenagers have felt some anxiety about the possibility. And as with any increasing safety risk for children, parents should talk to their teens about the facts and how to stay safe. Difficult conversations with teens – whether they are about drugs, sex, peer pressure, or gun violence – are so stressful that many parents prefer to just not think about them and will do almost anything to avoid the topics altogether. Experts say that is a mistake. There are three key points about school shootings we need to address with every teen:

1. In four out of five school shootings the attacker told someone about their plans beforehand. The best way to prevent future gun violence is for parents and educators to teach kids to recognize the signs of an issue with a peer and know how to report concerns.
2. Guns are the leading cause of death among American children and teens. As a result, it’s vital that we educate our youth about how to stay safe, both in active shooter situations and just in being around firearms.
3. School shootings cause anxiety for many teens. It’s important that we give them tools and positive coping skills to deal with their feelings.

Tips for Productive Conversations

If you are like most parents, the thought of having an age-appropriate conversation about gun violence can feel overwhelming. One of the things that parents often fear with any difficult discussion, is that bringing up the topic is going to cause problems. Research consistently debunks this myth. Teens whose parents discuss difficult topics are more confident and are more likely to make positive decisions in challenging situations than teens whose parents were silent on the topics.

Prepare Ahead. Preparing for a conversation on a difficult topic with your teen does not mean figuring out ahead of time exactly what you want to say. Instead, there are two things parents should do before discussing school shootings and gun violence (or really any difficult subject):

• Process Your Own Feelings. You do not want to burden your teen with your feelings! Teens will pick up on your stress and anxiety, so you want to be sure you have worked through any issues you have with the subject matter so that you can approach the conversation in a calm and reassuring manner.
• Research the Topic. You can’t discuss the topic properly if you don’t know anything about it. Before you ever begin the conversation, you should know proper gun safety, how to respond in an active shooter situation, positive coping skills for stress and anxiety, and what teens should do if they hear or see anything unusual at school. You can research these topics on the Internet, or you can read our previous blogs on these topics:
  • How Adults Can Encourage Teens to Prevent School Violence
  • Teen Safety about Guns and Mass Shootings
  • Addressing Mental Health Epidemic Among Youth (tips for positive coping skills)

Follow Your Child’s Lead. Before you launch into a discussion about school shootings, ask your teens what questions they have. If you don’t know what they are thinking, you might share too much or too little with them. Or their concerns may be something you didn’t even consider. By asking first, you let them lead the discussion. Ask open-ended questions that encourage your teen to share, such as “What do you think about that?” or “What are you seeing at school?” Whenever your teen asks you questions, give them honest answers and information. They will usually know, or eventually find out, if you’re “making things up,” which may affect their ability to trust you in the future. If you do not know the answers, tell them so and find out for them. In your discussions, always avoid scare tactics. Try to focus on reassurance and hope rather than going over gory details or scary scenarios. Also, be aware if your teen needs a break from the conversation. If your child starts doing something else, seems less engaged, or looks away, they may have reached their limit on the topic and it would be better to address further thoughts another day.

Validate Feelings. It is important for teens to discuss the topic freely and express their concerns and views. Let them know that you think their questions and concerns are important and normal. Give reassuring answers to worried questions, and accept their feelings, letting them know that it is okay to feel sad or angry. Don’t try to dismiss their feelings, saying “everything will be fine” or “you don’t need to worry.” Instead normalize what they feel, saying “that must be scary for you” or “I can see why you would feel that way.”

Offer Control.  Many times, we are most pessimistic when we feel helpless, so give your teen knowledge, tools and skills to feel more empowered. In any difficult situation, ask your teen what steps they can take to improve it. You can even brainstorm ideas together. Start by asking your teen, “what are some good strategies that would make your school feel safer?” If they identify something that the school should do, encourage them to voice their ideas with the administration. This would be an important time to discuss the importance of telling a trusted adult if they see or hear a peer discussing or planning possible violence.

Teach Healthy Stress Management. Tragedies and the potential for violence are stressful, and teens need ways to deal with these challenges. Tell your teens it is perfectly normal to feel stressed, and the best way to deal with anxious thoughts is through healthy coping skills. Below are some positive tools they can try. They should experiment with all of these ideas – everyone is different and they must discover which techniques calm them down.

• Creativity. Studies show that drawing, dancing, reading, or playing/listening to music are all excellent methods for relaxation and expressing oneself in a constructive way.
• Exercise. Taking a walk or run, biking, working out at the gym, or shooting hoops can help relieve stress, tension, anxiety or anger.
• Relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, yoga, visualizing a happy place, or meditating are great ways to calm down. If these are new to your teen, teach them. Take slow deep breaths. Close your eyes and think about a person, place, or thing that makes you feel calm. Repeat a calming word or sentence. Say a few positive affirmations to yourself.
• Journal. Writing down your thoughts helps you vent the emotions and process your thoughts. Sometimes writing down your frustrations or worries, and then balling up the paper and throwing it away, can help you get rid of the emotion.
• Gratitude. Taking a moment every day to identify things to be grateful for in your own life is calming for many people. Some people write 3 things down in a gratitude journal at the end of every day.
• Do something enjoyable. When you’re upset in a situation, it’s helpful to take a mental break to calm down and gain self-control. Distract yourself with something you enjoy. Spend time outside, play with a pet, or make time for your favorite hobby. Laughing is also a good way to take a mental break so watch a funny video on YouTube or tune into a hilarious TV show.

Keep the Dialogue Open. Too many times, parents think of difficult conversations – whether they are about school shootings, drugs, or sex – as a one-time conversation, but experts say that these types of conversations need to be ongoing. It’s a conversation that you have consistently over the years — one that changes as your child gets older and has more questions. You can circle back to these conversations by using circumstances to prompt you. For example, touch base with your children on this issue if their school holds an active shooter drill one day or if there are news reports covering gun violence. Ask your kids what they are seeing at school or if there is anything that is bothering them or concerning to them. Then, allow them to share their concerns and direct the conversation.

Final Thoughts…

Although having a conversation about gun violence or school shootings can feel overwhelming at first, they are an important part of keeping your teens safe at school. Focus on following your child’s lead, answering their questions honestly, and refraining from providing more information than what they need. Your goal is to empower them and provide them with knowledge and skills that will keep them safe and help them cope with stress.