Failure is a normal part of life, but we tend to fear it. We wonder how it will define us, what other people will think about us, how we will recover, and whether we will ever be successful. In addition, our culture teaches youth to focus on how they look in the eyes of others. This type of focus causes them to avoid failure and risk-taking at all costs.

Ironically, despite our worst fears, we learn a lot from failing and it often leads to our eventual success. Our brains grow and develop whenever failure occurs, and if we can help youth understand this science, we will do far more to promote their esteem and overall success then if we only try to protect them from failure. In fact, many experts believe that challenges are the only way we develop certain coping and problem-solving skills, and when we shield children from adversity, key brain connections cannot develop. Failure is actually a crucial step on the path to learning.

Everyone fails. It doesn’t define worth. The true skill is learning from it, rather than dwelling on it. So, if that’s the goal, how can we raise youth who are able to cope with, and learn from, failure? We have several tips:

Ways to Raise Children Who Are Not Afraid to Make Mistakes

1. Examine your own response. The first step in raising resilient children is a bit self-reflective. We need to consider what messages we are unconsciously communicating to our youth. How do you respond when your child tries something and fails? Do you try to ignore it as though it’s embarrassing? Do you make excuses for them, or lay blame elsewhere to make them feel better? We can’t expect our kids to value failure as a stepping stone to success if we are sending the message that making a mistake isn’t acceptable. Acknowledge failure and talk about it when the initial sting has passed.
2. Encourage independence. In order for teens to be motivated and responsible, we need to give them ownership of their own lives. Allow your teens to take on full responsibility for their tasks (such as homework, chores, or extracurricular commitments), without micromanaging. Let teens choose their own extracurriculars. Encourage teens to set their own goals and create action plans to achieve them. You can help them break down their large goals into small and achievable steps, but the goals they choose must be their own.
3. Foster a growth mindset. Praise your children for their process – hard work, persistence, strategies, etc. – rather than their achievement or final grades. Additionally, anytime your child makes a mistake or fails at something, shift their perspective from “failure” to “feedback.” Ask, “What would you do differently next time?” or “What did you learn from this?” Embrace the concept that failure is an excellent teacher and create space to celebrate the lesson. Learning from your errors allows you to grow!
4. Discuss the temporary nature of feelings. It is important to validate a child’s feelings at first. Help your teen identify what they are feeling when they fail. Are they frustrated, embarrassed, angry, or overwhelmed? Let them know that you understand those feelings and that it’s hard to deal with mistakes. Once you’re sure your child feels understood, remind them that all feelings pass. We don’t stay permanently happy or angry. Regardless of whether we are experiencing comfortable or uncomfortable feelings, they are not permanent, so whatever feeling resulted from their mistake will also move on.
5. Reframe negative self-talk. One of the reasons that humans struggle with failure is that we can be our own worst critic. We beat ourselves up with things we would never say to a friend facing a similar situation. How we talk to ourselves about our experiences plays a large role in shaping how we interpret them. When your teen focuses on the bad aspect of a situation, look for ways to reframe the events in a more positive light. This doesn’t mean ignoring the bad, but simply giving fair and equal weight to the good. With mistakes, this is a great time to focus on the learning opportunity.
6. Model your own failure. Giving your child real, relatable examples of your own failures and what you learned from them can help your child more clearly understand that failures do not ultimately determine your worth or success. You can also share the failures of people they admire, such as Ed Sheeran or Michael Jordan.
7. Create a failure-friendly environment. Encourage your children to be creative, try new things, or give their opinion and justify it. Celebrate these trials, regardless of the results. Never put them down for their efforts or make them feel silly. Create a home environment that celebrates healthy risk-taking.

Reasons Parents Should Not Be Afraid of Their Children’s Failures

As a parent, it can feel painful to watch our children fail. They seem so vulnerable, and as parents, we feel our role is to protect our children. Sometimes, we even feel like their mistakes are a reflection on ourselves. We feel our parenting is only as good as the success of our kids. However, research shows that failure builds strength, resilience and confidence. When children get knocked down, dust themselves off and get back up, they realize that failure does not define or defeat them. They must experience failure, in order to develop the ability to overcome it.

To face our own fears about letting our children fail, try asking the following questions:

• How would I parent right now if I weren’t anxious?
• Are the consequences of this failure permanent or life-threatening?
• What will my child learn if I step back and allow this situation to unfold?

Final Thoughts…

We want our children to fail while they are in the safety of home and middle and high school where there are adults they like and who care about them. Failure in the adult world can be much more brutal with far greater consequences. You can feel confident that allowing your teen the opportunity to experiment by failing and making mistakes will actually allow them to grow and become a better person. When you don’t clear a smooth path for them, you can instead be present to coach them to learn from their mistakes and develop into a responsible, self-sufficient adult.