When we are confident, we tend to have more success, feel happier, and experience better relationships in our lives. No one is born with confidence; it’s something that each of us must work on over time. Teens are especially vulnerable to self-doubt because their identity is just forming, and they face a lot of peer pressure at a time when they are most eager to fit in. Confidence is about believing in and trusting ourselves, our abilities and ideas. 

Some teens misinterpret the definition of confidence and assume it means arrogance. It’s important to let your teen know that confidence is not thinking you’re better than others or good at everything. Confidence also does not mean being loud, very social, or “extroverted.” Confident people can still feel scared, nervous, or unsure in challenging situations.

If your teen is lacking confidence, they may not have any idea how to develop it. Unfortunately, there is no quick way to build confidence, but rather it takes practice over time. Building confidence is an ongoing process that involves challenging yourself, reflecting on your strengths, and not being afraid of occasional setbacks. Share the following tips with your teen to help develop more confidence over time:

Ten Tips for Teens to Build Confidence

Set and achieve goals. One of the fastest ways we develop confidence is to achieve something that we perceive as important. It may seem silly to “formally” set a goal and break it down into action steps, but it’s one of the greatest predictors of success regardless of how big or small the goal is. Setting and obtaining goals is not something we all just know how to do, so try these steps:

• Choose something you want to accomplish or improve.
• Establish a goal that is realistic – something you have a reasonably good chance of accomplishing if you put in time and effort. 
• Break down the goal into very small steps so that you are not overwhelmed and know what actions to take towards the goal.
• Create a plan and reasonable schedule with deadlines to complete all of these small tasks.
• Remain flexible as things change and obstacles come up so that you can pivot as needed.
• Give yourself a reward when you achieve the goal!

As you accomplish your goals, you will feel successful which in turn builds confidence. Keep a record of the goals you achieve so that when you face a difficult challenge in the future, you can look back and remember that you have been successful in the past!

Make choices. Confidence helps you make decisions, and making decisions helps build confidence!  Even when you don’t feel confident, don’t avoid decision-making. Instead, if you face a difficult decision, write down all the pros and cons of each choice, brainstorm solutions, and pick something to try. (Note to parents: you should allow teens to make their own decisions as often as possible, even if you don’t like their choice. It might feel easier to make the decisions, but you are effectively communicating to your teen that you don’t think they are capable.)

Embrace mistakes. Making mistakes is vitally important to every learning process. Review the experience and consider what you can learn from it. Ask yourself what you would do differently in the future and brainstorm what you can do next. If you can accept that mistakes are a normal part of the human experience, you will develop resilience and the ability to overcome setbacks.

Cultivate positive relationships. Spend quality time with, and offer support to, trusted friends and family to foster a sense of belonging and connection. It’s important that you are spending time with people who are trustworthy and make you feel better about yourself. Toxic relationships will deplete your confidence, but positive relationships create a sense of belonging that fosters confidence.

Try new things. If we never try anything new, we become fearful of new things. We grow when we stretch ourselves out of our comfort zone. You can develop confidence by pushing yourself to engage in new activities to discover interests and skills. Join a club, try a new sport, take a class, learn an instrument, or tackle a challenge.

Learn to be assertive. Assertiveness is standing up for your right to be treated fairly and/or advocating for yourself in a clear, direct and honest way that is positive and proactive. It is expressing your opinions, needs, and feelings, without ignoring or hurting the opinions, needs, and feelings of others. It often involves setting boundaries rather than feeling pressured into situations you don’t want. Knowing you can advocate for yourself is a big confidence booster!

Develop self-compassion. Pay attention to the thoughts that creep into your mind. Do your best to avoid comparisons and self-criticism. Thoughts like “I will never be able to…” or calling ourselves names, such as fat, stupid, or failure, only deplete our confidence and do nothing to improve our life. Imagine how you would comfort a friend in a similar situation and extend that kindness to yourself. Identify and acknowledge your unique talents and achievements, no matter how small. Recognize your progress and effort rather than just your results.

Practice self-care. When we take good care of ourselves, we feel better. Get enough sleep, and eat a healthy diet. Take time for activities that nourish you, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. When these essential elements are in place, you feel better about yourself!

Volunteer. Many times, when we give back to others, it gives us a whole new perspective on life and provides a new appreciation of ourselves. It can help us feel connected to our community. Find a worthy cause that inspires you and donate your time. You might be surprised how much confidence you develop by helping others.

Final thoughts…

If your teen has significant self-esteem issues and seems depressed, you should seek out a mental health professional. But, if you believe your teen is struggling with typical adolescent self-doubt, encourage them to use the tips above to build their confidence. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but we tend to focus more on our flaws. One of the best things a parent can do for their teen is to help them identify their strengths and unique talents or interests so that they can focus on their positive attributes.