Humans do not become responsible or mature until they are forced to deal with the consequences of their choices. Although this makes logical sense, it’s really hard as a parent to let your child suffer when they make a mistake or bad decision. The desire to protect your child from emotional pain or damage — even when resulting from their own actions — is pretty instinctual. But allowing your child to “feel the pain” can be a powerful influence on their future actions. Jumping in to fix the situation prevents an opportunity for them to learn from the experience, and creates an expectation that you’ll save them again the next time.

While it might seem like a “good” parent should intervene to protect their child, you’re actually robbing them from learning how to navigate the world. Allowing a child to experience consequences is a valuable tool in guiding them toward better decisions and desirable behavior.

Rules and Consequences

We all must live by certain rules in various situations of our lives. Limits and boundaries help establish what is or isn’t acceptable in all types of settings. House rules that you might establish with your teen include being home on time, meeting expectations at school, and respecting others. When household rules are not followed, there should be consequences.  

There are three types of consequences: natural, logical, and punishment.

Natural consequences are results of behaviors that happen without any input from parents. The consequences occur by themselves; the parent neither plans nor enforces them. Examples of natural consequences for teens or young adults are:

• A teen who stays up too late will feel tired the next day.
• A youth who refuses to wear a coat outside in the winter feels cold.
• A young adult who doesn’t get a job will not have enough money to pay their rent, so they have to create a payment plan or pay a late fee to their landlord.
• A student who doesn’t turn in their homework will have points taken off their grade.
• A youth who spent their money frivolously doesn’t have enough money to go out with friends later.
• A young driver who broke a traffic law must pay a fine.

Logical consequences are results of behaviors that are planned and imposed by parents. When natural consequences aren’t practical or meaningful, you can consider imposing your own. These types of consequences are typically ones that the family has agreed upon in advance. Parents should set up a family meeting and negotiate with teens to develop appropriate house rules and logical consequences for breaking the rules. Logical consequences have three main elements: 1) it is related to the undesired behavior; 2) it is respectful of the child, in that they understand beforehand why the rule is in place and what will happen if they don’t follow it, and 3) it is reasonable, in that it’s proportional to the unwanted behavior. Examples of logical consequences for teens or young adults are:

• Your teen comes home past the agreed upon time so, for the next month, their curfew is reduced by the same number of minutes they were late.
• If they use the computer or a cell phone to promote an inappropriate image or bully a peer, they lose their technology privileges for a week.
• If you are paying for college and your young adult child’s grades become unsatisfactory, let them pay for the next semester.

Punishments are consequences enforced by a parent that are unrelated to the problem, surprising to the teen, or unreasonable in severity. An example of a punishment might be grounding a teen for a month for being a few minutes late. These types of consequences rarely have an impact on teen behavior because they are simply meant to punish the teen rather than teach them a new way of thinking or acting.

Why are natural consequences a better choice than punishment?

Experts agree that the best discipline, and lessons, come from natural consequences. The child is able to best understand the relationship between their behavior and the result. In addition, the child will be more likely to feel disappointed in their behavior than become angry at their parents. Punishments tend to cause teens to be angry at their parents allowing them to shift the blame away from their action to the unfairness of their parents. Natural consequences should be allowed whenever possible.

Many times, loving parents feel like it’s cruel or uncaring to sit back and watch their teen experience the consequences of their actions. They might think, ‘it was just one mistake,’ or ‘this mistake could ruin their chances for ____.’ But the reality is that no one is going to rescue your child from their natural consequences when they are older, so it’s your job to help them learn the lesson now when the stakes are less. You are actually hurting them whenever you protect them or bail them out of trouble because you are setting them up to continue to make the same mistakes throughout their life. When you allow your teen to suffer the consequences of their actions, they learn how to avoid making the same mistake, solve problems, and be resilient in difficult times. They mature and grow when they realize they are responsible for their choices.

What if the natural consequence is too severe?

While natural consequences are generally preferred, there are three times when it’s inappropriate to allow a teenager to experience natural consequences:

1. When their safety is at stake. For example, you would not allow your young child to experience the natural consequence of playing in a busy street. Likewise, you should not allow your teenager to wander the streets alone at night.
2. When the safety of others is at stake. For a teenager, you cannot allow them to drink and drive as this may cause them or others severe harm or even death.
3. When the consequences are too delayed so that the natural consequences have no real effect in the short-term but could affect their health and well-being in the long-term. For example, a young child might not feel any direct consequence if you let them go without brushing their teeth – but you know that in six months this could turn into a health issue.

Another good example of the natural consequences being too severe is in the case of substance use. If your teen is using drugs, the natural consequences could include legal troubles, addiction, health problems, unacceptable behavior, a criminal record, or a negative impact on future employment. Although you cannot control whether your teen uses drugs, you can create appropriate house rules and logical consequences for this behavior, and you can obtain professional help for your teen.  This is not a time to wait for the natural consequences to be their teacher.

Final Thoughts…

More than anything, a teen needs to learn that their choices in life will always have consequences, either good or bad. Unfortunately, lessons stick best when we learn them the hard way. As adults, we all know that people can give us great advice about how and why we should do certain things in certain situations, but until we experience the consequences ourselves, we will likely never internalize that important lesson. Allowing your teen to learn from experiencing natural or logical consequences might feel painful in the moment, but it sets them up for success in adulthood and also maintains a more positive relationship between parent and child.