It may come as a surprise for some parents to learn that most teens are suffering from a strong case of self-doubt or poor self-image. In fact, a person’s self-concept is usually lower during the adolescent years than at any other time in life. With so many social pressures swirling around them at an important developmental milestone, teenagers are particularly susceptible to criticism, comparisons, and negative self-talk. Our culture and media are constantly feeding them messages that imply they are not enough – not good-looking enough, not cool enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, etc. Inside, many teens wonder if they are valued or capable. Adolescents tend to be very judgmental of themselves.

You might assume that your child already knows that you think they are pretty cool, but in truth, that is rarely the case. Silence leaves children wondering what we are thinking and they tend to fill in the dead space with what they are afraid we might be thinking. That’s why it’s important that parents express belief in their children. Everyone needs someone in their lives who believes in them and who makes them feel worthy. When parents believe in their teens, it helps them believe in themselves and gives them the confidence to take on challenges and to persevere when things become difficult.

It might feel particularly difficult to express belief in your teen or praise positives if your teen has made poor decisions in the past, but it’s important to separate your teen’s behavior from your teen’s identity. Everyone makes mistakes, but almost everyone will try harder when they have someone in their corner who is guiding the way. Every human being—no matter their age—loves to have their efforts acknowledged and will engage in more of any behavior that produces acknowledgement. The more positive attention a teen gets for being compliant, the less negative attention they will look for by being defiant. 

While certainly a parent’s role is to set boundaries and enforce rules for their children, parents can obtain much better results if they also get into the habit of consistently catching their teen doing something good.  If your teen offers to give his younger sister a few bucks for treats when she’s at the movies, let him know how much you appreciate it.  If your daughter unloads the dishwasher when it wasn’t her turn because she knew you had to work late, thank her.

Sometimes we think negative comments are “motivational,” but that is rarely true. Statements such as “I already asked you to do that twice, what’s wrong with you?” or “What part of ‘no’ do you not understand?” actually create an environment where your teen will likely feel unsafe, unloved, and anxious. Additionally, you are modeling behavior you wouldn’t want your child to replicate.

If you want your children to become their best selves, try focusing on the things they are doing right or have the potential to do right. Here are a few strategies:

Believe in Them. When you perceive your children as competent, caring, and capable individuals and begin telling them how you see them being these things, you invite them to grow, mature, and reach for higher aspirations.

Acknowledge Effort Over Results. Don’t wait until your children get something perfect before you compliment them. Look for ways to praise hard work and effort instead of celebrating outcomes. When you encourage effort and determination, you are both encouraging the development of these characteristics and letting them know they are valued for who they are rather than simply for doing things right. When your children tries to do something new or differently, notice their effort and let them know you are proud of them for attempting.

Be Specific. It is easy to say “great job” or “you’re wonderful” but this doesn’t mean as much as when you praise (or criticize) something specific. Think about how much you appreciate specific, concrete feedback about what you do right in your job. Look for specific things your child is doing that you would want them to do more of and comment on those things.

Be Realistic. Sometimes we can go a little too far, and in an effort to build our children’s self-esteem, we overpraise our teens. We make claims that are not always true, such as “you’re the smartest kid in your grade.” We generalize our praise, saying “I’m so proud of you,” without giving a cause or reason. We compliment the smallest act rather than saving our praise for true accomplishments. All of these statements actually place a lot of pressure on teens, rather than creating confidence. 

Develop Positive Vocabulary. You don’t have to be a great speaker or eloquent writer to encourage your children. Even if you feel like you don’t have a way with words, you can still offer meaningful comments. You can simply say “thank you for …” or try phrases like: “I love the way you …” or “I noticed you were working hard to …”

Final Thoughts…

When you notice and comment on your child’s responsible choices and positive behavior, you encourage them to keep behaving that way. Plus, all that positivity just makes home feel more happy and pleasant. As you praise your children, just remember these two important caveats: 1) teenagers often prefer you to praise them privately rather than in front of their friends, and 2) teens are experts at detecting falsehoods, so make sure your praise is genuine and specific or it won’t be appreciated.