It’s a normal rite of passage for teens to date, and while it can cause parents some worry, dating helps young people learn to get along with others, communicate, negotiate, make decisions, and learn to be assertive. But parental concern can become a bigger issue if you genuinely don’t like your teen’s choice in dating partner.

It’s important to remember that your teen cares for and is very excited about the person they are dating. A rejection of their choice in partner will feel like a rejection of them, so be very careful in these situations. Although you can’t control how or who your child dates, there are lots of things you can do in these tricky situations. Here are some tips:

Avoid Judgment. Start by asking yourself if you are being judgmental or making unfair assumptions about your teen’s significant other. Think about what you don’t like about their partner and consider whether you are letting your personal biases or expectations enter into the equation. If you are upset about their partner’s religion, race, physical appearance, family, or socioeconomic status, then you are being judgmental. Teens can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, or practice a different faith, and still be really nice kids.

Ask Questions. Before jumping to conclusions about your teen’s choice of dating partners, start by asking questions. The key is to find out what your teen is thinking, what their relationship is really like, and what attracts them to this person. You might ask what their partner’s interests are, what your teen likes most about them, or what they enjoy doing together. Be sure you are open-minded and truly listen to your teen’s answers without making any comments. Teens can tell when parents are trying to put them on the spot, or are highlighting reasons why the relationship won’t work, so you must be approaching the conversation with true curiosity. The goal is to understand the relationship. Teens pick partners to satisfy some need they have; so, there is likely a good reason why your teen is hanging out with this person.

Avoid Criticism. In general, it’s not a good idea to criticize teens about their dating choices. No matter how well-intentioned, the more we criticize their choices, the more we become the enemy. It kills any influence we may have had. Developmentally, teens are trying to establish their identity and become their own person distinct from their family. As a result, regardless of whether what you say is true or not, any critical statements will be met with hostility, hurt your own relationship with them, and subtly communicate that you don’t trust them. In fact, if you pressure them, your teen may delve deeper into a relationship that otherwise would have been short-lived.

Extend an Invite. Take some time to get to know your teen’s partner. Invite their significant other over for dinner or to attend a family outing. Then, watch how your teen interacts with this person. Keep an open mind and you may find that you are pleasantly surprised.

Make an Effort. As much as you may not like who your teen is dating, be sure to make every effort to be kind, respectful, and approachable. If we act rude and standoffish, then our teen’s partner will absolutely do the same. Making an effort to be welcoming can help your teen’s significant other relax and put forth the best version of themselves. It nothing else, ensuring your teen and their partner feel comfortable in your home will make it easier for you to monitor the relationship and more likely that your teen will turn to you for advice, support, or help if they need it.

Look for Positive Traits. Every single person is born with a mix of traits and characteristic. While you might not like some of the boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s traits, there are still some characteristics that are bound to be good. Work to find those positive aspects of their partner to see them in a different light. Try to imagine what your teens finds attractive about this person.

Take a Long-Term View. Realistically, adolescent relationships generally don’t last long. As difficult as it might be for you to watch your teen date someone who you feel is not right for them, it can be very calming to remind yourself that the relationship will likely run its course in a few months and your child will likely learn a lot through the experience.

Trust Your Teen. One of the hardest parts of raising a teen is realizing that you have already instilled the values and skills that you can, and now you have to let your teen try things on their own and make mistakes. The best thing we can do is avoid critical statements, ask questions that might get our teen to arrive at a good decision for themselves, and monitor their behavior. We must accept that we can’t control who our kids choose as dating partners and that we raised our child to make good decisions. It’s also important to acknowledge that our teen may know better about what type of person or romance is right for them than we do.

Give Your Teen Space. As long as your teen is not in imminent danger, it’s often best to keep your feelings to yourself and allow your teen the space and support to figure it out on their own.  If given space, teens will be more likely discover both what they want and don’t want in a relationship—all of which are important to their future relationships. Teens need to learn how to make their own decisions, deal with the consequences, and learn from mistakes. If we focus on micromanaging their relationships, we disrupt their learning process and sabotage their self-esteem, autonomy, and self-confidence.

Adjust Rules. While you can’t control your teenager’s choice of partners, you can be clear about your expectations and rules while they’re living in your home. Regardless of who they are dating, you should have limits and boundaries for your teen’s behavior. Let your teen have input into some of the rules so they feel part of the process and have some ownership of them. If you know your teen’s partner is engaging in behavior that isn’t in line with your values, then adjust your rules to address that behavior and create appropriate consequences for breaking the rules. In this way, you will be focusing on the unwanted behavior, not the person.

Avoid Threats. Giving your teen an ultimatum is never a good idea, and it will only alienate your child. No matter how much you might think this relationship is a bad idea, never resort to threatening your teen in order to get what you want. These tactics are controlling, abusive, and rarely effective.

Intervene If You See Abuse. The only time you can intervene in your child’s romantic relationships is if you see dating violence and/or abuse. You should never just sit by if you fear for your teen’s safety, either emotional or physical. While you cannot take complete control of the situation, you do need to guide your teen on how to end the relationship and stay safe. You can read our previous blogs on this issue. If your teen is experiencing dating abuse, let them know there are multiple resources available to them. Also, be sure they know that you’re there for them and don’t blame them for what happened.

Final Thoughts…

Dating is a really exciting and important part of growing up. Our role is to prepare youth for this experience with as much information ahead of time as possible. Through conversations and role modeling, teens should know their family’s values, how to be assertive, the characteristics of healthy relationships, signs of dating abuse, and your dating rules.