Children, especially adolescents, are masters of pushing boundaries. It’s actually a normal part of development for children to test limits, break rules, rebel against expectations, and do anything to avoid punishment. Although this behavior is irritating for parents, it’s important to realize that children are actually learning through this process. By recognizing this is a normal part of childhood, parents might be able to not take these infractions personally. Instead, try to accept that your child will go through some rebellious periods and focus on what you want to teach your child through that process and how you can best set them up for success. Below are some tips.

Pick your battles.

In general, you want to set your home up as a sanctuary – a supportive place for everyone in the family – so be sure to choose your fights wisely. Don’t nag or criticize over small irritations. Instead, take stock of your beliefs and values – what is truly important to you – and focus on areas that really matter to you. For example, you might care most about how family members treat each other, so you reprimand name-calling, but avoid yelling about dirty dishes. Your values should largely determine what expectations you set for your teen.

Set expectations that fit your values.

Once you know what matters to you most, you can make sure that house rules are addressing those values. For example, to support a value of kindness, you might say that name-calling, yelling, or slamming doors in the house will not be tolerated. To support a value of good communication, you might require that the whole family eats dinner together at least three times a week.

Set expectations that are specific and clear.

Your teen must completely understand what you expect from them if you want them to follow your rules. If you are too vague or inconsistent, then your teen cannot be successful even if they are trying very hard. For example, an ineffective rule is “be respectful.” Respect looks different to different people. A more effective rule is “no name-calling, put-downs, or threats.”

Seek their input. 

Every child wants to feel understood and valued, especially by their parents. At a time when everyone is calm, ask the family to sit down together to discuss house rules. Listen to your children’s input on what they think are reasonable limits. Wherever it’s reasonable, take into account your child’s desires and opinions. Teens are always more likely to follow rules if they had input in the decision-making process.

Establish consequences and follow-through. 

Clearly explain what will happen when your children break the rules. Remind them that they have the choice to respect or reject the rules, but rejection will lead to appropriate consequences. Make sure your teen understands the rules and the consequences, and once that’s established, don’t make exceptions.

Avoid these common mistakes when setting consequences.

Mistake #1: Setting a punishment that you are unwilling to enforce (such as saying no video games for a week only to give them back after a day of whining).

Mistake #2: Setting a punishment that you cannot enforce (such as picking a penalty that would require you to physically force your teen to do).

Mistake #3: Setting a punishment that doesn’t matter to your teen (such as grounding a teen that generally never leaves the house).

Mistake #4: Enforcing the punishment inconsistently (such as one parent not agreeing with a punishment given by their spouse so they don’t require the teen to follow it).

Mistake #5: Assuming one solution works for all kids (such as giving the same consequence to every child in the family regardless of their different personalities or ages).

Mistake #6: Skipping or lessening consequences out of guilt (such as making excuses for a teen’s behavior).

Final Thoughts…

When faced with poor behavior, many of us think we need to point out and punish every mistake. Instead, try rethinking the way you view discipline. Your goal is to show them how to make better decisions and choose behaviors that are positive and ultimately good for them. If you can focus on letting small things go, setting clear expectations that reflect what’s truly important to your family, and enforcing consequences that uphold your values, then you will be well on you way to creating a positive household that raises young people ready for successful adulthood.