Not all abusive relationships are romantic. Not all abuse victims are women. Not all abuse is physical. 

Abuse is a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another person. Friends can be just as likely to abuse their peers as love interests, and manipulation and harsh words can be just as likely to cause real harm to someone as physical violence.

All parents want their children to have healthy relationships with others. Especially as our kids become teenagers, we hope they will make smart choices when it comes to the people they hang out with. Unfortunately, even healthy, smart teens can unwittingly form friendships with abusive people. Since teens are so inexperienced with relationships, it’s very important that we teach them to recognize the early warning signs that a potential friend might be an unhealthy choice. That does not mean that we choose their friends for them, or badmouth a friend they enjoy. (Read our previous blog, can you change who your teen is friends with?) Instead, we arm our teens with knowledge so that they can make better decisions for themselves.

Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship

Parents should talk to their children (hopefully start when they are younger and continue the conversation into their adolescence) about what constitutes healthy relationships, whether that’s a dating partner or a friend. Let your teen know that healthy relationships are honest, supportive, trustworthy, accepting, and willing to compromise. 

On the other hand, a friend who uses their behavior as a way to gain power and control over you is an emotional abuser. Teach your teen these signs of an unhealthy friendship:

• Lying. It’s a problem if you catch your friend repeatedly lying to you. A healthy relationship is based on trust. 
• Ghosting. It is not okay for your friend to stop responding to you with no explanation or to suddenly exclude you from activities or events you would normally do together.
• Pressure. Friends do not pressure each other to do things they are not comfortable with or demand gifts, money or other material goods.
• Gaslighting. No one should try to convince you that what you believe, experience, think, or feel isn’t true, real or what really happened.
• Threats. Threats are red flags — always. An abuser may threaten to end your relationship, to spread rumors about you, to hurt you or someone you care about, to get you in trouble, or possibly even to hurt themselves if you leave the friendship. No one should ever blackmail you or hold something over your head such as, “if you don’t do ___, then I will do ___.”
• Blaming. Instead of holding themselves accountable for their behavior, they will say, “It’s your fault,” for why they treat you so poorly. Abusers often try to flip the script on their victims, blaming them for the harmful behavior, saying things such as, “you made me do it.”
• Tracking. No one has a right to know your every move or have access to your passwords.
• Jealousy. It’s normal and healthy to have relationships with many people. If a friend or potential partner is trying to cut you off from others and keep you all to themselves, that’s a red flag. No one should prevent you from, or make you feel bad about, spending time with other people.
• Putdowns. Friends do not make you feel bad about yourself. No one should call you names, insult or criticize you, put down your accomplishments, make you feel guilty, or otherwise attack you personally. Healthy relationships uplift you.
• Embarrassment. A friend should not talk poorly about you to others, make cruel jokes, or belittle you, whether in person, behind your back or online. Abusers tend to say or do cruel things, then say they’re only joking. It’s a classic pattern, making you feel bad and then making you feel guilty or stupid for feeling bad.
• Backstabbing. A true friend will never spread rumors about you, lie about you to others, use social media to damage your reputation, or share embarrassing information about you with others.
• Silent Treatment. Friends do not withhold their friendship, acceptance or communication to coerce you into doing something. Abusers “punish” their victims by not engaging with them for a significant time. (Note this is different from someone communicating they need some space or alone time.)
• Disrespect. Friends respect your boundaries, privacy, and time. Abusers feel entitled to your time and attention and will make you “pay” in some way if they don’t get it. They may turn cold and/or make you feel guilty.

As you discuss these signs of emotional abuse, make sure your teen understands that the behaviors listed above are not acceptable in any relationship – they shouldn’t behave this way to others, nor should they accept this behavior from others. Sometimes we can become so focused on preventing our child from becoming a victim of abuse that we forget it is equally important to prevent our child from becoming an abuser. 

Steps Teens Can Take if in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

It’s important to let your teen know that, if they suspect they might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, it’s not their fault, and it’s not okay that their friend is treating them this way. Give your teen the following steps to take:

Make a record of what’s happening. This will help you see your reality a little more clearly, give you perspective, and maintain a list of behavior examples if you need to address the issue with your friend, a counselor, or other authority figure.

Set boundaries. Setting limits in relationships is critical to a person’s overall mental well-being. Boundaries allow us to determine how we will occupy our time, what actions we will take, how we will spend our money, which behaviors we will tolerate, and what information we will share with others. A good friend will honor your ‘no’ – they will respect your limits. If someone is unwilling to accept that you have different needs than they do, this is likely a sign that this person is not a true friend. 

Communicate your needs. If you feel safe enough, you can try talking to your friend and sharing your concerns. Don’t be accusatory. Avoid using the words “you,” “always,” and “never.” Instead, use “I” statements, such as ‘When this behavior happens, I feel Y emotion.’ Sometimes people don’t realize the impact of their behaviors on others. While ignorance doesn’t make their conduct okay, your feedback could be a wake-up call and your friend may be open to changing their behavior. If they gaslight, blame, insult, or threaten you, you quickly know that a conversation is not an option and you should move on to the next step.

Take a break. If your friend is not receptive to your concerns, or if they act receptive but never change their behavior, it is time to take a break from the relationship. Distancing yourself from the abuse can help you gain perspective on the next steps you would like to take. Beware that perpetrators of abuse can be very persuasive and may encourage you to re-enter the friendship, only to restart the cycle of abuse. If that happens, it’s time to move on to the next step.

End the relationship. It can feel very difficult to leave a friendship, but in reality you will only be missing the friend you thought you had. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and it’s time to start choosing a different kind of person to spend time with and trust. Make it clear to your other friends and family members that you won’t be around the abuser any longer, so that your abuser can’t use them to keep tabs on you or manipulate their way into your life again.

Final Thoughts…

When it comes to our children’s social lives, it’s important to let your teen choose his or her own friends. This process actually helps your teen’s development by teaching them how to navigate social situations, which will be critically important as they grow older. While it can be heartbreaking to watch our children deal with difficult relationships, teaching your child how to tell good friends from bad ones will keep you better connected to your child, help them to think for themselves, and encourage them to make better decisions.