Teens can often come across as rude and disrespectful to their parents, teachers or other authority figures. Eye-rolling, backtalking, door slamming, dramatic sighing with a dash of know-it-all attitude can frustrate even the most patient adult. Understandably, many adults will respond by being rude and disrespectful back. Unfortunately, whenever a teen sees you being disrespectful, they assume that their behavior is appropriate no matter what you say. This can create a vicious cycle. Today’s blog explores how adults can instill respect in youth.

What is respect?

Respect can be defined as treating others with kindness, consideration, and dignity. It involves recognizing and valuing the worth, individuality, feelings, rights, or traditions of others.

How is respect developed?

There are two key components to instilling respect in children: 1) teaching self-respect, and 2) role modeling respectful behavior. There are more tools that adults can use to develop respect which we will explore at the end of this article, but without these two vital elements as a foundation, children will not be able to demonstrate respect to others, including authority figures.

Teaching Self-Respect. Respect actually starts from within. Self-respect is the foundation of all respect, so it’s important to teach children self-care. Encourage children to develop positive self-talk, set boundaries, and take care of themselves both physically and mentally. Help teens learn to identify and walk away from people or situations that feel disrespectful. Reinforce a youth’s confidence in their own abilities so that they feel a sense of self-worth.

Role Modeling Respectful Behavior. Respect is learned mostly by example. When adults show respect for others, children will consider that type of behavior an important value. Children, especially teens, are very observant and emulate what they see rather than what they hear. Children and teens learn respect quicker if they are treated with respect and if their home has set boundaries and expectations for behavior towards other family members.

Ways to show respect to other people:

• show curiosity when you encounter diverse people or ideas,
• demonstrate polite behavior, such as not interrupting or judging others,
• admire out loud anyone showing consideration for others, kindness, or helpfulness,
• help others who need it without judgement,
• value other people’s time, privacy, and opinions,
• avoid criticizing or embarrassing others, and
• treat everyone with dignity and kindness.

Ways to show respect to your teen:

• ask for their opinions and thoughts (you don’t have to agree with their ideas – simply listen and ask follow up questions to understand their viewpoint),
• act on their suggestions or ideas whenever possible,
• avoid interrupting them when they speak,
• give them autonomy in choosing when and how (within limits) to do their chores, homework, bedtime, and other responsibilities,
• avoid sarcasm, personal attacks, criticism, name-calling, put downs, comparisons, insults, and threats when speaking to your teen,
• actively listen to them so that they feel understood,
• seek their input in family decisions or house rules,
• knock before entering their room,
• apologize when you have said or done something wrong to your child,
• thank your teen if he or she apologizes for something wrong they did,
• attend their events (sports games, drama productions, etc.), and
• praise your child if you see them display respectful behaviors.

Respect is always mutual; if the child or teen is not respected, neither will be the parent. Therefore, if you don’t feel like your child is respecting you, take an honest look at your own behavior to see if there are ways you can act more respectful to those around you.

What practical tools can help instill respect?

Once you understand that respect is developed from a combination of good role models and a healthy dose of self-respect, you can use the following practical tips to help it grow.

Establish rules that emphasize respect. Families should have basic rules about how other family members treat each other. Everyone – including parents and any other adults living in the household – must adhere to these rules. Make sure that you, as parents, are walking your talk. If you establish that name calling is not tolerated, then you cannot call your teen a “spoiled brat” and expect your teen to never call you a name later. The rules should include, but are not limited to, the following: 

• Name calling is not allowed. 
• Put-downs are not tolerated. No family member should belittle another family member or their ideas or opinions. 
• Negative talking of other family members is prohibited. 
• No actions to hurt someone’s feelings, possessions, or physical body are allowed.
• Forgiveness is important within the family and should be encouraged. 

Create realistic consequences. Consequences for breaking your established family rules should be realistic. For example, for every insult your teen says, you could cut a dollar off their allowance, reduce their curfew by 30 minutes, or decrease their screen time by a half hour. Small punishments that fit the crime and get their attention will be most effective in the case of disrespect. It is a good idea for you to decide ahead of time what consequences you want to give for each type of behavior. Although you will not be able to think of all the possible scenarios ahead of time, it will at least provide a starting point so that in the heat of the moment, when your teen acts disrespectfully, you won’t overreact and dole out some unreasonable punishment.

Follow through consistently. If your teen breaks a rule, there must be consequences for that behavior or your expectations will mean nothing. Some parents like to give warnings, but the problem is that, many times, they are not consistent. Sometimes they will give one warning before they hand out the consequence. Other times they will be angry and offer no warnings, while sometimes they will feel generous and provide multiple warnings. You are not doing your child any favors by being inconsistent. Be confident, firm, and follow through.

Ignore arguments. Teens will absolutely try to engage you in an argument. Whether they are trying to get out of a punishment, obtain something they want, get you to change your mind, or delay doing something you’ve asked them to do, they will try to guilt you, negotiate rules and consequences, or distract you with other issues. Do not engage in an argument. Stay calm and simply restate the expectation and consequence – then ignore them and don’t give in. If you will do this, the behavior will stop. If you argue or give in to their desire, you have only reinforced that arguing works and it will continue.

Stay calm. Staying calm is the most important thing you can do when your teen is acting disrespectful. Take a deep breath. Yelling or arguing will only escalate the situation. If you stoop to their level and shoot a smart comment back to them, you have only taught them that back talk is acceptable behavior, regardless of what you have said. Instead, do whatever you need to do to keep your temper in check. You might need to walk away for a few minutes to calm down – go to another room, shut the door, and take deep breaths.

Solve problems together. If there is a specific area that is causing strife in the family, sit down together when everyone is calm to discuss the problem and explore solutions. Make sure that you offer the opportunity for your teen to provide input. Explain that your goal is for everyone in the family to be respectful to each other, and then invite your teen to offer ideas and strategies about how to address the problem, too. They may have some valuable information that could help the situation. For example, if your teen says she talks back because you always tell her to do the dishes during her favorite TV program, you can decide that she is allowed to do the dishes as soon as her program is over. Working together to problem solve the situation will improve your communication, build respect, increase your chances of success, and improve your teen’s self-esteem.

Practice acceptance. People feel respected when they are accepted for who they truly are. Your teen does, too. Adolescence is a time of experimentation with new experiences, looks, opinions, and identities. If you question your teen’s every decision, then your teen will either rebel, fill the household with tension, or experience a lot of worries and insecurities when they feel your doubt. Most of their experiments last a very short period of time, and if you can demonstrate that you love and accept your teen no matter what, you will have gone a long way to giving your teen a strong foundation of belonging and respect, which will help them make excellent decisions in the future. Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, but it does mean loving your child the way they are, not the way you wish they were.

Final Thoughts…

It’s very difficult to show your teens respect when you don’t think they’ve earned it. Do your best to let go of past grudges and instead treat respect like an experiment going forward. Choose just one or two of the ideas listed above, implement them, and see if and how it changes your relationship over a month’s time. As you show your child the respectful way to act, rather than lecturing or demanding it, he or she will actually want to respect you.