A lot changes when your child turns 18-years-old, and it can be difficult for parents to know how to adjust their role. Technically, your teen has become an adult, and many of our systems – from medical practices to government offices – will no longer speak to you without the permission of your child. And yet, it’s not like a switch is flipped on your child’s 18^th birthday and they are suddenly mature and ready to be on their own.

For some parents, their child’s transition from a teenager to a young adult is one of the most challenging developmental stages to navigate. For eighteen years, you have been keeping your child safe, guiding their development and future, and enforcing rules. Suddenly, you’re expected to take a big step back. It’s important to recognize that this is a major time of transition for both your adult child and you as a parent. It will take time for everyone to adjust and get used to their new role. To help ease the transition, we are providing some tips for creating a great relationship with your young adult child:

Tips for Parenting Young Adult Children

Stop tracking. When your child became a teenager, one of the most important aspects of parenting was knowing where your child was and what they were doing. Now that they are an adult, you are no longer responsible for policing their every move. It’s difficult to let go of tracking their every movement, but it’s important to stop, even if you think you’re ‘just ensuring they’re safe.’ Expecting, or demanding, your young adult child to update you on their activities and whereabouts will interfere with their growth and independence.

Establish a connection routine. When your young adult moves out of the house – whether to college or their own apartment – it’s important to have a discussion about how you will stay in touch. Sit down together and negotiate a connection routine that you can both agree on. How often will you talk? Will you use phone or videochat? Who will initiate the call? How often is texting or emailing acceptable? It’s best if you invite more communication (“I’m here anytime you want to talk”) but that you require a minimum (“I will worry if I don’t hear from you at least once a week”). The goal is to allow your teen the freedom to communicate with you when they feel they need to, but also allow you the comfort and security of knowing you have a time set when you can connect with them even when they’re busy.

Listen more. Talk less. Don’t lecture or offer unsolicited advice. Ask your child about their life in a way that indicates you are truly interested. As your child shares, it often works best to listen without judging and let them talk through their problems until they come to their own solution. If they ask for your input, you should share it in a calm and neutral tone. It’s key for you to accept that they might not follow your suggestions and to respect their choices even if you don’t agree with them.

Don’t get involved. Your young adult must learn to stand up for themself and fight their own battles. Whether they have issues with their roommate, landlord, professor or boss, you must resist the temptation to step in and do something for them. Instead offer a supportive ear, coach them if necessary on options and next steps, and offer encouragement. Letting young adults take charge of their own circumstances and negotiate and advocate for themselves is an important step towards being independent.

Develop a timeline for financial independence. It’s quite common for parents to provide some financial support to their young adult children while they are finding their way, such as paying for cell phone plans, helping with car payments, or covering health insurance premiums. At some point though, your child must take responsibility for their own financial situation. Give them a transition timeframe so they know what to expect and by when. Give them plenty of time to plan ahead so they can decide what steps they need to take, such as how to cut other expenses. For example, you might say to a senior in college, ‘we will continue to pay for your car and health insurance for 6 months after you graduate.’

Let them make mistakes. A parent’s first instinct is to step in and save our children from making mistakes or poor decisions, but you can’t do this once they are an adult. Your job now is to let them find their own way and offer background support. They are forming their own identity, exploring the world, and learning. As they gain experience, whether positive or negative, they will become more independent and mature.

Don’t enable them. We all want our children to be happy and successful in life. It can seem like a harmless and kind way to support our young adult kids to buy them things they need or do chores for them, such as cooking meals or making appointments. You may feel like, what’s the harm in helping if you have the time or financial means to do it? The problem is that you are keeping them from learning how to manage their own life and all of life’s challenges. Just like you would for a friend, it’s okay to help them out when they run into an occasional jam, but constantly catering to their needs actually stunts their growth, forces them to stay dependent on you, and ultimately will make them unhappy.

Do empower them. When facing a challenge, help your child consider their options and encourage them by saying, “You’re very smart. I know you’ll get through this. What are some ways you might address this situation? Let’s consider your options.” Demonstrate that you believe in them!

Final Thoughts…

The transition to parenting a young adult is tough. Parents are entitled to feel a wide range of emotions about this change. While you will need to let go of being overinvolved in your child’s life, you can welcome them back as a friend and take pleasure in seeing who they become and what they choose to do with their life. The key is to keep lines of communication open while avoiding the landmines of lecturing, judging, being overprotective and/or demanding, spoiling them, or rescuing/enabling them. If you find yourself concerned about your child or their choices, talk to them as you would a peer and offer to develop a plan with them that will give them any support they need.