Adolescence is a time of massive change, and it can be very disconcerting to parents. Teens love to shock people with wild opinions, boundary-pushing fashion, and risky behaviors. Parents are eager to protect their children, and some of teens’ behaviors rub against social norms and sometimes safety. So, when confronted with undesirable behaviors, what should a parent do?
As a general rule, you should understand that it is very difficult to change anyone’s behavior. We cannot control any person, particularly teenagers! However, if you see that a teen’s behavior is negatively impacting their health or safety, you will want to encourage your teen to find their own reason to make a change for themselves. You might try inspiring them with other people’s examples, planting the seeds of ideas based on your teen’s interests, role-modeling healthy choices, asking open-ended questions to help them identify their values or goals, or expressing confidence in your teen. You should always remember that anger or nagging have never inspired change in anyone. Ultimately, because humans are all wired to desire control, pressure from someone else never creates motivation to change, rather it creates resistance.
If your teen’s behavior is not damaging their health or putting them in danger, then accepting your teen for who they are and how they act is a better option. Ironically, acceptance can actually start the process of changing bad behavior. Teenagers are never open to change when they feel judged, pushed, nagged, disrespected, or unvalued. Youth are more receptive to your influence when they feel fully accepted by you.
What Is Acceptance?
Acceptance does NOT mean condoning bad behavior, but it does mean loving your child the way they are, not the way you wish they were. It means acknowledging your teenager is the way they are today. They might change in the future, but you choose to love them the way they are now.
Acceptance is NOT:
- Approving of, agreeing with, or supporting behaviors or attitudes that your teen displays.
- Forgetting the things they have said or done that have hurt you or others.
- Lowering your hopes for your teen.
You can accept your teen for who they are but still take appropriate actions to protect yourself and others from their behaviors. You can accept your teen and still feel annoyed, frustrated or angry with the way they behave. You can acknowledge that your teen’s inappropriate behavior generates strong feelings in you. You can let go of wishing your teen was more or less of some trait. Acceptance isn’t easy, but it is important for both you and your teen.
Why Is Acceptance Important?
If you had someone in your life who was constantly putting you down, always critical of you, or frequently acted disapproving, would you be open to allowing that person to speak meaningfully into your life? Of course not! You would likely feel defensive around them, would dismiss their suggestions, and might even try to cut them out of your life. Your teen is unlikely to comply with anything you say if you have become a source of nagging, judgment, and criticism. The reality is that we listen to and respect the people in our life that make us feel accepted and valued.
Tips to Help Parents Accept Their Teen
Accepting your teenager, rather than trying to force change, is really a mindset shift. There’s no magic formula other than changing your own perspective of the situation. Here are some things to consider:
- Acknowledge their development. Teens are not emotionally, physically or mentally ready to be adults, so we can’t expect them to act mature all the time. If something is bothering you about your child, ask yourself if it is simply a function of their adolescent development. Teens’ brains are undergoing significant growth and there are some side effects, such as forgetfulness, disorganization, and frequent risk-taking. None of these issues are character flaws. They are byproducts of their development, so instead of criticism, offer strategies to help them through this phase.
- Don’t take it personally. Our culture has a tendency to place blame on parents when children act up. This can cause us all to feel like our child’s mistakes are a reflection of our own failures, but that is not true. It’s important to recognize that parents can do all the “right” things and still raise a child who fails in some way or has some obnoxious behavior. All children – including teenagers – are going to rebel, make mistakes, lose their temper, do dumb things, and have some offensive opinions. None of their imperfections are about you.
- Self-regulate your emotions. It’s absolutely normal to feel frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, and hurt when our teens act moody, disrespectful, uncooperative, or annoying. Raising teenagers is difficult! However, while your feelings are natural, your reactions will determine whether your situation gets better or worse. Find constructive ways to cope with your strong emotions. Go for a run, write in a journal, vent to a friend, or take a break.
- Pick your battles. Avoid getting into fights with your teen over stuff that doesn’t matter in the long term. The clothes on their floor, their hair color, and their music choices just aren’t important in the grand scheme of life. When you feel annoyed, take a moment to consider if it’s truly worth your time and energy.
- Seek out the good. Your brain is a powerful search engine. If you are focusing on all the bad stuff your teen is doing, your brain will find MORE bad stuff to notice. If instead you choose to notice good things, your brain will start to identify your teen’s strengths and good attributes. When you see something positive about your teen, take a moment to communicate it to them.
Final Thoughts…
It is so easy to notice all of our teen’s flaws. The more conscious we are of our teen’s shortcomings, the easier it becomes to find even more negatives. As a result, we tend to become more critical and demanding with our teens, which our children interpret as “you are not good enough” or “I will only accept you when you change.” Instead, we must accept our children first as they are, and then they become more receptive to our influence. The way to protect a teen’s mental health is to make sure that they feel valued. Honestly, we all need someone in our life who thinks we are valuable for who we are, not how we perform – you can be that loving person for your child.