It is a natural human desire to have some sense of control over our own lives. Having control gives us a feeling of order, stability, and safety. Research consistently shows that when people believe they have choices and can change their circumstances, they feel more hopeful and optimistic about the future. We tend to fight against anyone, or any situation, that tries to remove control in our lives. These are all just innate human tendencies.
A sense of control is critical during adolescence. Teens naturally seek to exert control over their lives as they move through social, cognitive, and emotional developmental stages. It is part of their normal development to find ways to be independent. Defining and exerting independence is vital to a teen’s ability to develop the attitudes and skills they need for a successful adulthood.
Reasons it is Important for Teens to Have Some Control
When teens feel like they have no control over their lives, or are lacking control in an area of their life that feels important to them, they tend to react in a few ways:
- aggression (attempting to control others through intimidation),
- self-harm (attempting to control the way their body feels),
- eating disorder (controlling their body),
- substance abuse (numbing), or
- rebelling (attempting to take back control forcibly).
Teens will seek to control aspects of their life, and if you don’t offer them positive ways to do that, they will subconsciously find negative ways to regain control.
Research shows that teens who do have control in life, such as the freedom to make decisions, have better grades, are more emotionally stable, have less drug use, and are more motivated. Teens who feel in charge of their own lives are more focused and less stressed. Ironically, teens tend to listen to their parents more when they believe they have a choice or say in the discussion or situation.
Reasons Parents Avoid Giving Control
If you feel reluctant to give your teen control, take a step back and ask yourself why. Many of us like to be in control of our kids because it feels safer for both them and ourselves. Some of us don’t want to see our kids make mistakes because either we don’t want to see our children suffer or we are afraid that their mistake reflects poorly on us. We might be fearful that our teen will make choices that will ruin their future. We might have internalized to some extent the idea that our children are an extension of ourselves. When our kids struggle, we feel the shame of having somehow failed as a parent. When they succeed, we bask in their glory, confident we must have done something right. These are common misconceptions. Our children’s successes and failures are not a reflection of our parenting skills. And protecting our children from mistakes does not actually help them create a better future, but rather prevents them from learning the skills they need to be successful in the future. It is far better to give your teens control now while they are still in your home so that you can use their experiences as teaching lessons and give them positive skills to cope with disappointment, rejection, and failure.
Positive Ways Parents Can Give Teens Control
Reframe your parenting role as a coach or consultant instead of a boss or manager. This doesn’t mean that you withdraw or never make any decisions, but rather stay involved with your child in a supportive role as they make choices. Since teens crave independence and control over their lives, offer them as many opportunities as you can in positive ways:
- Negotiate house rules rather than making them up yourself. Explain why you are setting rules – which are generally established to keep your teen safe – and then ask for their input. Negotiating rules teaches them the value of compromise, how to resolve conflicts, and increases the likelihood that they will follow your rules.
- Let your teen decide how and when to do their chores and/or homework within certain deadlines or parameters.
- Involve them in family decisions and/or ask for their input in family activities.
- Encourage your teen to find a way to earn money and let them spend it however they choose.
- Do not offer opinions on who they hang out with. Do not criticize or try to prevent them from seeing their friends. This is a very hard area for many parents, especially when you believe your teen’s friends are a bad influence. For more specific advice, read our previous blog, Can you change who your teen is friends with?
- Ask about and listen to your teen’s personal opinions without judgment or trying to change their mind. For more specific advice in this area, read our previous blog, How to improve communication with your teen.
- Give them space to explore options in school, classes and extracurricular activities. You should not be choosing their classes, sports or hobbies! You can provide facts and offer pros and cons of different choices so that they can make an informed decision for themselves.
- Allow them to make inconsequential decisions without any judgment, such as what clothes they wear, the décor of their bedroom, what hairstyle or hair color they want, which hobby they pursue, etc.
- Whenever your teen makes a choice that you don’t like, step back for a moment and ask yourself “does this really matter?” Consider life one year from now and see if their choice will still feel problematic? If not, let it go.
- Help teens set realistic goals and express your belief in their ability to achieve them.
- Teach teens how to solve problems and then allow them to make their own decisions when facing a challenge. You might say, “I have confidence in your ability to make decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.”
- Have conversations about how there are aspects of life that are out of our control, but even then, we can control how we respond to those stressors. Focus on helping youth understand that they always have control of their own response in any given situation.
Final Thoughts…
To raise an autonomous teenager, you must allow your teen the opportunity to make their own decisions, try new things, and experience the consequences of their choices. Teens learn best through practice, so we must find ways to allow them to manage their own lives. You will be rewarded with a more responsible and happier young adult!