Peer pressure is a normal part of life. Right or wrong, humans tend to compare themselves to each other and pressure kicks in. Sometimes that pressure can be good, such as trying to get straight A’s like the smart kid in class, and sometimes that pressure can be bad, such as trying to be as “cool” as the popular kid who smokes.
When children enter middle school, many parents cringe because they know peer pressure in the teen years can lead to some terrible choices. However, there are a lot of misconceptions out there and it’s a good idea to reevaluate our preconceived notions about peer pressure to what research has shown. Consider these facts:
- Parents tend to believe peer pressure is more prevalent and in-your-face than it truly is. Generally, teens aren’t strong-armed into risky behaviors. Friends play a subtle role in your child’s decisions, since teens are more likely to hang out with other teens who do the same things as them. Yes, there is pressure, but it’s not as intense as we assume.
- Parents tend to believe that peer pressure is more influential in their child’s life than they are. Although teens will often act like nothing matters more than their friends, studies and research consistently show that parents are the number one influence on a teen’s decision-making. Your child is very aware of your thoughts and opinions even as they seem to reject your values to fit in with their friends. So, don’t assume your teen is a lost cause if you don’t like their friends. You wield way more power than you realize.
- Teen peer pressure can come internally. Teens often overestimate what they believe their peers are doing. For example, they might say that ‘everyone’ is having sex except them or ‘everyone’ has tried alcohol. They create a pressure within themselves that isn’t based in reality. Parents might want to try researching the latest study findings on various teen behaviors to give their child a reality check. For example, parents could tell their teen that the most recent study from CDC found that almost 70% of high school students have never had sex and that only 20% of high school students were drinking alcohol.
- It actually pays off to be the ‘bad’ guy. Teens who have parents that provide discipline (making firm rules, providing consequences, waiting up for teens when they’re out) use that to their advantage in the world of peer pressure. Not only do they consider how disappointed you would be with them if they go against your rules, your teen can legitimately shift the blame to you. “My mom would kill me if I did that.” Teens with stricter parents are more likely to refuse risky behaviors.
- There are benefits to an opinionated child. Although it might drive you crazy, a child with lots of opinions has practice speaking his or her own mind. It’s a great idea to ask your teen for their opinions on a wide range of current events, so that they feel more comfortable expressing themselves. Additionally, encourage your teens to seriously consider where they stand on key issues like sex, drugs and alcohol. They will be most clear-headed to decide their own position on these topics when they are not around their friends or in an uncomfortable situation.
- Observe your teen’s friends. You should never criticize your teen’s friends because it will break down communication between the two of you quickly. Building relationships with friends is a skill that every child must learn. Parents can help with this by asking them open-ended questions, such as, ‘What do you like about Susie?’ and ‘What happens when you don’t agree?’ You can even comment on the peer pressure you see, such as, ‘You follow the rules when you’re home alone, but seem to break them when Johnny comes over. Why do you suppose that is?’
- Help teens plan excuses that avoid awkwardness. Many times, children can find themselves doing things, in the moment, that they never thought they would do. Discuss hypothetical situations, appropriate to their age and social contexts, that they may have to deal with. What if you were at a party and someone had a bottle of pills? What if you were about to get into a car and realized the driver was drunk? The important thing is for adults to give teens alternatives to getting themselves out of tricky situations with their dignity intact. For ideas, read our previous blog, Building Your Teen’s Refusal Skills.
- Celebrate mistakes. No matter what you do, there is bound to be a time that your teen messes up. And that’s good! It is better for your child to make a mistake now, when you’re available to help, than when they are out on their own. Mistakes are a great learning opportunity, so parents should help their child take responsibility for their actions, accept the consequences, reflect on how they can do things differently next time, and then move on.
- Not every child falls victim to peer pressure. One of the more difficult things to understand is why some teens bow down to social pressure so much easier than others. Likely, personality traits and self-esteem have a lot to do with this, but research noted there are other factors involved. Teens are insulated from negative peer pressure if they had characteristics that their friends respect (e.g., close friendships with members of the opposite sex) or had something that their friends need (e.g., a car).
Even Parents Suffer from Peer Pressure
Undoubtedly, when most people hear the words “peer pressure” they immediately picture children at school, but peer pressure doesn’t just stop with graduation. Adults still face tremendous pressure to conform in everything from fashion to work culture. Our parenting style and choices are not immune to this pressure. All of us at one time or another have worried what the teacher thinks of the lunch we pack our child or what the neighbors think of our chaotic attempt to get all of our children to their various sports practices.
Research has shown that having high standards for yourself as a parent can be beneficial, but caring what other parents think about your choices may in fact undermine your confidence and up your stress levels. When we are worried about what others think about our parenting, we are more likely to interpret negative things that happen to our child as failures.
Parenting is a long journey and needs to be flexible to fit the unique personality and needs of each individual child. So, although it’s good to be aware of how others are parenting and what experts are saying to inform our choices, we shouldn’t waste our time on what the world may think of our choices. Our goal should be to make appropriate decisions to help our child develop into a responsible adult, not to conform to the status quo.