If you interact with teenagers on a regular basis, then you have probably already figured out that telling them what to do often backfires. Adolescents are in the process of separating from their parents, establishing their own identity, questioning authority, developing critical thinking skills, and exploring new ideas, values, and beliefs. As a result, they do not want to be lectured, controlled, nagged, or told what to do. You might be wondering how, then, you’re supposed to guide any of their behavior!
There is actually a way to guide teen behavior, while improving their self-esteem and preparing them for adulthood. Sound too good to be true? Well, the catch is that it’s not easy for adults to implement and takes practice. But if you make an effort to learn how to use this tool, you will reap tremendous rewards. It’s all about asking open-ended questions.
Asking children questions is a way to guide them toward healthy behaviors by helping them think about what they do, options they might not have considered, the intentions and motivations of themselves and of others, and what effect they have on others.
Benefits of Open-Ended Questions
Using open-ended questions with youth has been shown to:
- boost critical thinking,
- encourage responsibility,
- spark improved communication skills,
- inspire creativity,
- encourage personal reflection, and
- build self-confidence.
When you ask teens open-ended questions with genuine curiosity, you convey that you want to help them. but that you won’t try to control the situation by making the decision for them. Ultimately, if you use open-ended questions really well, you will be able to guide a teen’s behaviors in a positive direction while they think it was their idea all along!
What is an Open-Ended Question?
Closed-ended questions can be answered in one or two words, and often prompt a yes/no response or a right/wrong answer. Open-ended questions encourage a child to think deeper and more broadly, communicate more, and talk about whatever is important to them. They help to establish rapport, gather information, and increase understanding. Examples are ‘tell me more about…’ or ‘what do you think would happen if…’
Important Tips in the Question-Asking Process
Asking an open-ended question isn’t enough. There are a few additional elements that make all the difference, especially with teenagers.
For example, asking “why on earth did you do that?” with a sigh or sneer, does NOT help guide your teen to better behavior or build their confidence even though it’s technically an open-ended question. It conveys judgment and annoyance. However, asking “what factors helped you decide this was the best way to handle that situation?” with a curious tone and a calm face encourages honesty, conversation and understanding.
Here are a few tips to make your open-ended question get the results you want:
- Tone. How you ask the question is more important than how you phrase it. Your tone should be calm, curious, non-judgmental, and casual. If you are too upset to control your tone, take a deep breath or a short break from the situation to calm down and then restart. Children know when we are upset with them.
- Pause. After you ask a question, wait. Give your teen time to think about the question and develop their response. By waiting, you are showing that you want to know their thoughts and ideas, not some specific answer you think is right.
- Avoid ‘why.’ Although ‘why’ questions are open-ended, they tend to make teens feel defensive. Phrase the question in a different way so that they can share their thoughts without having to justify their actions or emotions.
- Listen. Although you might have the perfect answer, teens need to feel heard in order to put down their defenses. Really listen to what your teen is saying instead of thinking about your responses. Try to put yourself in your teen’s shoes to understand their thoughts and opinions.
How to Use Open-Ended Questions to Guide Teen Behavior
Guiding teen behavior with open-ended questions shifts the focus from lecturing to coaching. By asking rather than telling, you encourage your teen to think critically, own their actions, and build emotional intelligence. Here are some practical ideas for effectively guiding a teen’s behavior:
Shift from Accusing to Exploring
When a teen breaks a rule or exhibits a challenging behavior, don’t ask them why they are behaving that way. Instead use questions that either help you understand their mindset or help them self-reflect.
- “What was happening right before you raised your voice?”
- “Does this rule make sense to you?”
- “How do you think your actions impacted the people around you?”
Encourage Problem-Solving
Instead of fixing a problem for a teen, giving them the answer, or removing an obstacle, ask questions that require them to brainstorm solutions. This builds critical thinking and independence.
- “What are some of the options you are considering to fix this?”
- “Have you considered trying _________?”
- “What are the pros and cons of these options?”
- “What do you think would happen if you chose that route?”
- “How can I best support you with this right now?”
Help Them Reflect on Choices
When making a difficult or poor decision, prompt teens to evaluate their values rather than just telling them what is “right” or “wrong.”
- “Which decision will make you the most proud of yourself in the long run?”
- “Looking back, what is one thing you would do differently next time?”
- “What is the goal you are trying to achieve here?” or “Will this choice get you closer or farther away from achieving your goals?”
Provide Emotional Awareness
Behavior is often a symptom of underlying feelings. Help them connect the dots between their emotions and their actions.
- “How did that situation make you feel?”
- “What has been weighing on your mind?”
Ask for Permission Before Giving Advice
Teens frequently complain that adults immediately try to “fix” their problems rather than just listen to them.
- “Do you want me to just listen right now, or are you looking for advice?”
- “Would you be open to hearing how I handled a similar situation?”
Why Open-Ended Questions are Hard to Implement but Worth the Effort
As a parent, we have more wisdom and less time than our children, so it feels so much easier to just make decisions for our teens or tell them what to do. However, this approach tends to make teens feel rebellious, misunderstood, or incompetent. When you ask open-ended questions, you are communicating respect. You are demonstrating that you are interested in their opinions and feelings and that you believe in their ability to make and execute a decision. While it takes patience, creativity, and humility to develop questions to help our teens become better decision-makers, this technique prepares teens for adulthood.