To be successful and happy as an adult, we need to know how to advocate for ourselves – standing up for our right to be treated fairly in a positive and honest way. If we are uncomfortable standing up for ourselves, people tend to dismiss our opinions or ignore our needs. If we are too aggressive in pushing our way, people tend to consider us hostile and exclude or avoid us. The sweet spot in between is assertiveness – expressing our opinions, needs, and feelings, without ignoring or hurting the opinions, needs, and feelings of others.
All of us have a default way of acting. For some teens, standing up for oneself is intimidating. They might worry that they will lose social status or that the other person will be angry or not like them anymore. On the flip side, some teens have no problem standing up for themselves but have trouble responding in a calm, non-confrontational way. They come across as bullying. Neither style – being passive or aggressive – is ideal. The best style – being assertive – is one of the most positive skill sets you can encourage in a teenager for lifelong success. Studies show that teens who are assertive are:
- less likely to be bullied;
- better communicators;
- less likely to act aggressively;
- more confident and empowered;
- less stressed;
- more responsible; and
- better equipped to resist peer pressure.
Despite the benefits of assertive communication, many teens don’t know how to stand up for themselves in an appropriate manner. In this blog, we will explore ways parents can teach their teens to be assertive.
10 Tips for Teaching Assertiveness to Youth
1. Explain the Styles
Most teens are unaware that there are three main communication styles. Parents should take the time to explain them: passive (avoids conflict), aggressive (attacks others) and assertive (uses direct, honest and respectful language to stand up for rights). Ask your teen to evaluate themselves and determine which style they use most often. If they use passive or aggressive styles, ask them how they might be able to change their style to be more assertive. Provide examples if they are not sure.
2. Establish a Democratic Household
The best place for teens to practice standing up for themselves is at home. Create a home environment where teens know their opinion counts, even if you don’t agree with them. Involve teens in decision-making for the family and discuss current events. Negotiate solutions to conflicts where everyone’s needs are considered. These practices will demonstrate to your teen that their ideas matter, they have a right to express themselves, and there are ways to disagree in a respectful way.
3. Teach Your Teen to Identify Feelings
Many teens are not able to identify their feelings, which is why they act out their feelings instead of talking through them. For example, a frustrated teen might slam their door rather than explain what is bothering them. However, a teen who can identify his/her feelings can then translate that knowledge into telling other people how they are feeling and what they need.
4. Teach Your Teen to Express Feelings in a Positive Way
Explain to your teen that other people will not automatically know what your teen feels or needs. Encourage your child to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a specific, clear, honest and respectful way. This skill takes practice, so teach your teen these proven techniques:
- Teach the importance of “I” statements. Explain that their sentences should always begin with “I” instead of “you” when expressing a concern to someone else. It’s a subtle difference, but messages that start with “I feel…” are better received by the other person than messages that begin with “You make me…”. For example, teach your teen to say, “I feel angry when you don’t show up on time,” rather than, “You don’t care about me at all because you never show up when you say you will.”
- Avoid exaggerations and judgments. They should stick to the facts when they are explaining their problem. Explain that using “always” or “never” in statements backfires, because they make the other person feel too defensive to hear their viewpoint. Statements such as “you always forget to clean my clothes” or “you never want to do anything fun” are untrue and hurtful. Judgments also make people feel defensive. A fact is “your shirt has some stains on it.” A judgment is “you look sloppy.”
- Delay confrontations until you feel calm. When our emotions are high, it’s hard to express our concerns in a calm and/or non-confrontational way. This also gives your teen time to think through exactly what they want to say.
- Avoid negative expressions, such as yelling, name calling, or the silent treatment.
- Stay focused on solving the current problem. Your teen should not be trying to “win” a fight, but rather working together with the other person to develop a reasonable solution to a problem. Avoid accusing or blaming the other person.
5. Discuss Body Language
Parents should explain that the way you speak also has a significant impact on how effective your communication is. They should speak confidently when standing up for themselves. Offer your teen these tips to improve their communication:
- Face the other person, keep your shoulders back and chin up, and make eye contact. Have a serious facial expression, but don’t frown or appear hostile.
- Try to avoid fidgeting or using fillers, such as “um,” “you know,” and “like,” when speaking.
- Keep your voice calm and soft. You don’t need to be loud to make yourself heard. If the person you are talking to does not appear to be listening, try a firm “excuse me” to get their attention.
- Avoid using a whiney or abrasive tone.
- Be clear and specific in your explanations and direct in your requests. Your statements should be short and to the point. They should provide facts and specifics rather than vague hints.
6. Define Boundaries
Teach youth the importance of setting boundaries and respecting others’ boundaries. Boundaries allow us to determine how we will occupy our time, what actions we will take, how we will spend our money, which behaviors we will tolerate, and what information we will share with others. People without boundaries tend to get into unhealthy relationships and feel resentful, taken advantage of, and stressed. To explain this process, read our previous blog, Teaching Teens How to Set Healthy Boundaries.
7. Allow Practice
When your teen has a conflict with a peer or needs to speak up to an adult, let them take the lead. Getting involved sends the message that you don’t believe your teen is capable of handling the situation on their own. Allowing your teen to handle disputes gives them the opportunity to practice negotiation and other social skills. You can offer suggestions afterwards, but don’t interfere during the conflict.
8. Encourage Problem-Solving
Teach youth problem-solving skills to handle conflicts effectively. Help them identify the issue, brainstorm possible solutions, weight the pros and cons, and evaluate the outcomes. By fostering a problem-solving mindset, teens gain the confidence to address challenges and will stand up for themselves in a constructive manner. To explain this process, read our previous blog, Teaching Problem Solving Skills.
9. Praise Assertive Behavior
Reinforce your child’s attempts at being assertive, even if they’re not perfect. Anytime you catch your teen using an “I” statement, respectfully sharing his/her opinion, standing up straight and using eye contact, or expressing his/her needs in a positive way, praise your teen! Notice those behaviors, and when you are alone, tell them how proud you are of them. If they use assertiveness with you, mention it at the end of your conversation, perhaps saying, “I really appreciate the way you told me how you feel in a calm manner.”
10. Role Model Assertive Behavior
Teenagers learn best by watching others. Role modeling is a parent’s greatest influencer in their child’s life. Your teen will naturally develop assertiveness skills by watching you when you’re communicating with others. So, be sure that you are identifying your feelings (out loud to them), speaking to others directly and honestly but with respect, projecting confident body language, using “I” statements, sharing your opinion, standing firm in decisions that are important to you, and avoiding judgmental statements. If another adult is rude to you, act the way you would want your children to act.
Final Thoughts…
Assertiveness comes to some people more naturally than to others. If your teen has generally been passive or a people pleaser most of their life, being assertive can be really tough. If your teen has been aggressive, it can be hard to tone it down. It takes time and practice, so stay encouraging of any effort they make to stand up for themselves in a respectful way. Remind your teen that assertiveness is actually vital to their own well-being – they are taking care of themselves!