Let’s admit it: teens are not easy to express love to. Between their eye-rolling at things you say and actively avoiding any hugs, you might be wondering how on earth you can genuinely show some love to that child who used to cuddle in your lap. Fortunately, researchers have found an answer: reciprocal self-disclosure. That’s a big phrase, but all it really means is sharing personal information – thoughts, memories or feelings – that tend to trigger a similar response from another person. When you and your child can engage in a balanced, back-and-forth conversation that goes beyond small talk, the exchange builds trust and deepens intimacy in your relationship. (This actually works in any relationship, not just between a parent and child.)
Going back decades, scientific studies have found that self-disclosure can create feelings of closeness between strangers, students and colleagues, but more recent research has focused on parent-child relationships. In one study, parents and their children received a list of 14 questions and took turns asking them to each other for 9 minutes. Half the groups received questions that invoked small talk while the other half were assigned questions that invoked self-disclosure. Before and after, children reported how loved they felt by their parent during the conversation. Self-disclosure conversations made children feel more loved during the exchange than did small talk.
Obviously, self-disclosure conversations are not something that need to be undertaken every day. But weaving these types of interactions with your teen on a consistent basis can significantly enhance your teen’s connection with you, self-esteem and sense of belonging. One idea is to schedule a monthly one-on-one “date” with each of your children to eat a special meal or engage in a favorite activity and during that time, choose to use questions that encourage reciprocal self-disclosure rather than small talk. For instance, you can talk about school, their sports team, or the neighbors anytime, but on your special date, talk about more meaningful subjects such as the questions below. Remember it’s important that you are asking and answering the same questions honestly. Don’t shy away from uncomfortable topics. It’s the sharing of personal information – the give and take of a meaningful conversation – that makes the participants feel close and loved.
Questions to Ask Teens to Build Intimacy
- If you could travel anywhere in the world, which country would you like to visit? And why?
- What is the strangest thing that you have ever experienced?
- What is the last time you felt alone? What made you feel that way?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?What makes you feel most like yourself – any activity or any person?
- How do you define “success”?
- If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?What or who has taught you the best lesson of your life so far, and what is that lesson?
- Given all the power of the world at your disposal, what would be one thing you would want to change about the world and why?
- What parts of your identity do you see as the most important to you?
- If money weren’t an issue, what would you do with your life?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- What’s something you wish people understood about you that is being misunderstood?
- As per your perspective, what is the biggest problem faced by the current generation?
- What is something you think is overrated? Underrated?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
- What is one thing that you have experienced that you think most people haven’t?
- What is the best advice you have ever received, and who gave you that?
- If our house was on fire and you only had time to save one thing from your room, what would you get?
- What makes you laugh the hardest without filters? Do you think there is anything too serious to be joked about?
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
We hope this list of questions helps you engage in meaningful conversations with your teenager!