American culture places a lot of pressure on boys to think they need to have a strong physique, hide their emotions, and act in an aggressively dominant way to be considered a “real man.” Our society tends to think that men should not ask for help, always be in control, exert power over others, and avoid expressing any emotion except for anger. These rigid ideas of manhood result in disturbing consequences. Men who were raised with these ideas tend to feel isolated, angry, and depressed, and women who are their dating partners tend to be at risk of violence and oppression.
If you are a parent of boys, you might be worried about these trends, but there are ways to combat these cultural stereotypes. Follow these tips to help give your son a healthy perspective on manhood.
Verbalize Emotions. Emotional intelligence is one of the most important skills for all people to master in order to be successful and happy in adulthood. We must all develop the ability to identify, verbalize, and empathize with emotions, but unfortunately, many boys are raised to believe that feeling and expressing emotions is not masculine. Men are not exempt from emotions (and women are not overloaded with them), but men are often taught, both implicitly and explicitly, that the expression of emotion makes them weak. Whenever your son is talking to you about his experiences, ask him “how do you feel about that?” More than likely, he will say “sad,” “mad,” or “I don’t know.” You can validate those feelings while also adding in new feeling words. For example, you might say, “wow, if that happened to me, I might also be feeling confused.” You can teach your son to better identify his emotions by suggesting “embarrassed,” “nervous,” “jealous,” or “frustrated” if appropriate. As you talk, you and your son can discover the underlying feelings, so for example, they might be feeling disappointment rather than sadness, or embarrassment rather than anger.
Express Affection. Parents tend to shower affection on their daughters, but act more reserved with their sons, even though boys have the same needs for affection. Be consistent in your warmth towards your children – they should not feel that one child gets more attention or affection than another, nor should they find your responses to them unpredictable. You should discipline them the same according to their ages, and none of your children should receive physical punishment. Instead, be sure to give all of your children, regardless of gender, lots of kisses, hugs, comfort, and praise.
Instill Respect. Respect is taught, so you must role model and encourage this value in order for your son to embrace it. Respect means showing consideration for other’s feelings, individuality, boundaries, and well-being. In addition, parents should explain and role model the key elements of healthy relationships, such as honesty, support, equality, compromise, and good communication. Talking about these important skills early will mean that your son will develop into a better friend and / or dating partner.
Teach Consent. Consent discussions don’t have to be about sex and should be started when children are quite young. Every child should know that “no”, “stop”, and “I don’t like that” mean the behavior must cease immediately. As a parent, you should always model respecting the boundary of “no” or “stop.” We must teach youth that it’s important to respect others’ limits and wishes, regardless of gender. Boys are not meant to exert control, power, or aggressiveness when others are saying no.
Challenge Gender Norms. Growing up should be a time of exploration and expression, not a time to fit into a predesigned gender-specific box. Challenge our society’s gender stereotypes with these strategies:
- Use gender-neutral language as much as possible, always avoiding any phrases which signal boys as being different from girls, especially emotionally. Different people might be stronger, tougher, more active, or less emotional, but that should not be defined along gender lines. Neither sons nor daughters should be told that one gender is more of anything than the other.
- Avoid all gender-related insults. Don’t make any comments such as ‘that’s so gay,’ ‘man up,’ ‘don’t throw (or run) like a girl,’ or ‘don’t be a sissie.’
- Role model and expect equal household responsibilities between genders. Emphasize that everyone in the family helps out because it’s unfair for any one person to take on most of the household labor. Avoid assigning chores such as doing laundry or cleaning only to your daughters, and mowing the lawn or taking out the trash to your sons.
- Avoid feeding your son the stereotypical nuclear family. Present LGBTQ relationships as totally ordinary and accepted.
- Don’t assume anything about your son’s sexuality. Be open to allowing your son the opportunity to experience, develop, express and explore his sexuality for himself. Teach him that some males like males, some females like females, and some children have yet to sort out what they like.
Encourage Individuality. Allow your son to be who he is and express that in any way that suits him, so long as it is respectful to others. Avoid steering or pressuring boys into stereotypical male hobbies, interests or career paths. Allow him to dress the way he likes and engage in the activities he wants to try, rather than assuming he should play sports. Don’t express any judgment about interests he has that are considered more feminine by our culture. Sometimes parents feel the need to warn their son that expressing himself in certain ways might lead to bullying. While understandable, boys are already fully aware of peer pressure and mistake a parent’s warning as more pressure to conform.
Exposure to Diversity. Every child should be exposed to a wide variety of experiences, people, perspectives, religions, and cultures. Encourage your son to read books, visit new places, and talk to people different from him.
Prevent Bullying. All children are at risk of being bullied and of bullying nowadays. Make sure that your child understands what constitutes bullying, that you have a zero-tolerance policy towards it, and that you will support your child if they are bullied.
Media Limits. Your children should not have free access to everything on the Internet because there is far too much disturbing content for a developing mind. Whether it’s porn, violence, misinformation, or conspiracy theories, boys are exposed to toxic masculinity online. You must introduce and maintain controls over internet access and the amount of screen time. You should also have frequent discussions around the media they see.
Encourage Empathy. The ability to understand and share the feelings of another is a vital life skill, and some children need more help learning how to connect with others. The more we can guide our children in thinking about how different situations look from another person’s point of view, the less likely our boys will develop toxic masculinity. The best way to improve your child’s empathy is to use every opportunity that arises in your daily lives to consider how other people might feel. Ask open-ended questions that prompt them to interpret others’ mindsets. You might ask, “How do you think your teacher felt when the student yelled at her?” or, “How do you think your friend felt when the event was canceled at the last minute?” or, “Why do you think that TV show character acted like that?”
Final Thoughts…
Whether you are raising boys or girls, parents should emphasize that being a kind, dependable, trustworthy person is a sign of true strength and character.