Teenagers are frequently stereotyped as moody, rebellious, or lazy, but these preconceptions of adolescence portrayed in the media are often inaccurate. Teenagers, whose brains and bodies are going through rapid development, need more sleep than ever before and are understandably more sensitive to criticism, eager to gain approval, and keen to create their own identity. Their behaviors are more a function of the changes they are experiencing rather than a change in personality.
While these changes are certainly normal for adolescence, it can be difficult for parents to know when to be concerned about their teenager’s behavior and when it’s simply something to overlook as a normal stage of development. Experts often caution parents to be on the watch for “red flags” to know when their teen might be headed down the wrong path, but what exactly is a red flag versus typical teenage behavior?
Experts caution that red flag behaviors aren’t going to be the same for everyone. While red flags are generally defined as any observable change in mood or behavior that causes concern, most experts recommend that parents go with their instincts. Due to their long history with their child, parents are most likely going to know when something is off.
When looking for potential red flags, parents should be looking for a change in their child’s behaviors, emotions, appearance, or situation that lasts more than two weeks, happens nearly every day, occurs during different activities, and is adversely impacting your child’s functioning or the family’s functioning. Everyone has a bad day, or even a bad week, and teens are prone to wild fluctuations in their feelings, so don’t be alarmed until the changes you notice are persistent and dysfunctional. Here are potential red flags:
- Extreme fatigue: persistent tiredness that is not alleviated by rest
- Sleep disruptions: difficulty falling asleep, wakes up at night, cannot sleep in, or experiences day-night reversal where they are up during the night and asleep during the day
- Excessive worry: experiencing anxiety and panic attacks or cannot seem to relax
- Persistent sadness: irritability, hopelessness, or loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
- Suicidal remarks: comments about self-harm, hopelessness about the future, wanting to die or being unable to cope
- Appetite changes: significant weight loss or gain or changes in eating habits
- Extreme mood swings: intense shifts in mood without an obvious reason
- Withdrawal: avoiding friends, family, and social activities
- Difficulty paying attention: procrastination, difficulties with school work, unfinished tasks like homework or chores, or commonly losing things or forgetting things
- Sudden change in academic performance: a noticeable drop in grades or a sudden lack of interest in schoolwork
- Excessive screen time: replacement of almost all face-to-face interactions with time on social media, games, or other digital activities
- Changes in appearance: poor hygiene or wearing long sleeves in hot weather
- More aggressive: hitting or kicking walls or people, threatening someone or being verbally abusive, or destroying property
- Troubled behavior: habitual lying, stealing, skipping school, using drugs, or getting in fights
If you notice that your teen is displaying red flag behaviors, start by having an open conversation with them about your concerns:
- Seize the moment: If your teen provides an opening to talk, follow your child’s lead and give them your full attention.
- Choose the right time and place: If you need to bring up the topic yourself, find a quiet, private, and comfortable setting to have the conversation. It’s okay to be doing an activity at the same time, such as cooking, folding laundry or driving.
- Be open and honest: Use ‘I’ Statements and frame your observations in a way that focuses on your own feelings and concerns rather than accusing or blaming. You want your teen to know that you are concerned because you care for their wellbeing. For example, say ‘I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really sad lately, and I’m worried about you’ instead of ‘You’ve been so moody and difficult.’
- Ask open-ended questions: Encourage your teen to share their thoughts and feelings by asking open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Give your teen space to talk about their feelings, regardless of whether you understand or agree with them.
- Avoid judgement: You do not want to lecture your teen, offer criticism, act judgmental or offer unsolicited advice. This is the time to actively listen: seek to understand their viewpoint without interrupting them or offering your opinions.
- Validate their feelings: Acknowledge that their feelings are normal, without overreacting or making fun of them, regardless of what you think they should do.
- Offer support: Let your teen know that you are there for them and willing to help. Discuss potential solutions or resources.
Final Thoughts…
If you identify red flag behaviors in your teen, please consult a doctor, counselor, or mental health professional for guidance. Also, keep in mind that whatever problems your teen is experiencing, it is not a sign that you’ve somehow failed as a parent. Instead of trying to assign blame for the situation, focus on your teen’s current needs.