When a child goes off to college, parents are left with an empty nest. For them, everything stayed the same, but there is an empty space left by their child’s absence. They miss them deeply. When school breaks come, parents are excited to see their student and for everything to feel normal again. Imagine their disappointment when their student acts rude, withdrawn, critical, or self-centered during the break.
On the other hand, for students, everything changed when they went off to college, and they have gained new opportunities and developed a completely new understanding of who they are and what life can be. In addition, students are in the messy process of transforming into young adults who will be ready to enter the world upon graduation. Consider that college students are in a rapid state of change and development, including the fact that they need to:
- Develop competence. Students are learning many new skills, ranging from doing their own laundry to sharing a small space with a roommate to developing course and career plans.
- Regulate emotions. Students are figuring out how to identify, accept, and appropriately express their many feelings.
- Become autonomous. Students are learning to make decisions for themselves and their future life without needing approval or affirmation from others.
- Develop mature relationships. Students are trying to figure out how to have productive relationships with all sorts of people who are very different from themselves.
- Establish identity and values. Students are working to become comfortable in their own skin and understand and accept who they are regardless of feedback from others. At the same time, they are trying to determine their own values and what’s important to them personally.
- Develop purpose. Finding a major is difficult for most students because they are trying to find their calling, develop a sense of personal goals, engage in activities that truly interest them, and decide their life’s career.
As a result, the reentry process of college students coming home on a school break is often messy and a little disappointing for both parents and children. Let’s consider some of the reasons that college students might not act the way parents expected when they come home:
- College students are used to making their own decisions, creating their own schedules, choosing their own food whenever they want, and not answering to anyone. Coming back home to stricter rules and expectations can feel very frustrating. Students might feel like you’re trying to baby or control them. Some students might subconsciously resist being treated like a child again when they’re trying to establish themselves as independent individuals. This can cause tension in the family and might appear like your student is being very selfish and/or rude.
- The pressures of academics, exams, and social life can leave students feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. The majority of college students do not get quality sleep, and often they have been very busy right before break with exams and papers. Additionally, roommates – even good ones – are always present, which means they haven’t had any time to themselves. As a result, school breaks are the perfect time for them to catch up on much needed sleep, recoup after the academic stress, and finally get some alone time. Parents might feel disappointed that their student is so withdrawn.
- Most campuses are more demographically diverse than home communities in terms of race, religion, economic status, and political leaning. Your student has had the opportunity to meet people and learn about ideas and behaviors they may never have known existed. As a result, your student will likely have new perspectives and ways of seeing the world that might come off sounding critical of your values or decisions. It can really hurt parents’ feelings to feel judged for choices and sacrifices that were made with their child’s best intentions at heart.
What should parents do when their college student is acting poorly during break?
- Don’t take it personally. Easier said than done, but hopefully when you read the reasons above and all of the changes your student is undergoing, you can understand that their behaviors are much more about them than about you. Recognizing the challenges of adjusting between college life and home life can help you be more understanding.
- Respect their boundaries. As much as possible, give your student space in what choices they make, what schedule they keep, and how much time they desire to be with others or by themselves.
- Request your boundaries. College students might need to remember how their behavior impacts others. They have been on their own for a few months and have only had to think of themselves, so where their choices rub against family needs, it’s okay to ask for their cooperation. For example, if a car is being shared, it is reasonable to work out a schedule they must stick to, or if your student has unusual eating schedules, it is okay to ask for notice whether they will be eating dinner with the family so that you know how much food you need.
- Focus on quality, not quantity or specifics. Prioritize activities that give you the chance for meaningful interactions with your student and don’t get caught up in minor details or frustrations.
- Have an honest conversation. It’s a good idea to establish an open communication policy with your student, where everyone can discuss their expectations and/or needs for the break, and an encouragement to talk about frustrations as they arise in a calm way before they become resentments. The trick for parents to remember is that some of your student’s new attitudes and behaviors stick and some don’t, so it is really not worth getting hung up on, attached to, or critical of any particular preference, style choice, or identity shift your student displays.
- Celebrate their changes, instead of resisting them. As your student matures, they will ask for your help less and will reject your advice more. This is normal and not a rejection of your parenting, but rather an indication that your student is becoming more confident in themselves. Try to be curious as to who your children are becoming and cut them some slack as they spin around and try out new ideas and identities.
- Be patient. Recognize that your student is forming their identity and learning new skills through trial and error, and they will likely make lots of mistakes and have big feelings. This is normal and to be expected, so take a deep breath and remember that this is just another temporary phase in your child’s development.
Final Thoughts…
You likely had idealized expectations of what breaks would look like when your college student came home, and more than likely, those expectations were not met. You might have gotten your feelings hurt as your child seems to not need you anymore, or is more excited to go back to college than come home, or says things that make you feel lacking in some way. These are hard changes to navigate, but try to focus on the positives. If your child is eager to get back to college, then that means they are engaged in crafting a vibrant life for themselves. If your student doesn’t need you or rejects your advice, then that means they are confident in their own decision-making which will serve them well in adulthood. And if your student is acting self-centered or critical of or withdrawn from the family, remember that this is just another phase of your child’s development – it’s temporary.