Parenting advice comes from all sorts of sources and often feels contradictory. Be involved in your children’s lives! But not TOO involved! To be honest, it’s a fine line that’s hard to find. Both consistent under-involvement and over-involvement in a teen’s life can be detrimental to their mental wellbeing and academic performance. It’s best when parents can find that sweet spot – just the right amount of consistent involvement.
Today’s blog will explain the signs of under- and over-involvement to help you recognize where problems might be arising and offer strategies for finding a balanced approach. That said, as you read this article, it’s important to remember three things: 1) every child is different and has unique needs, 2) every parent has their own style of parenting and should be true to themselves, and 3) you will make some mistakes but no single mistake will ruin your family.
Signs of an Over-Involved Parent
There’s an important difference between staying connected and being overprotective. When we hover too close, teens are not able to establish their autonomy and identity. This approach tends to result in either a rebellious teen who is trying to regain some control or an anxious teen who never builds the confidence and/or essential skills to flourish as an adult. In fact, many studies have shown that teens and young adults with over-involved parents experience significantly higher levels of anxiety and depression and less satisfaction with life.
Here are examples of an over-involved parent:
- Not allowing teens to make decisions for themselves
- Cleaning a teen’s room for them
- Bending over backwards to make their teen’s life “comfortable” and/or easy
- Stepping in to negotiate conflicts between a teen and their friends
- Overseeing and/or completing a high school student’s homework and school projects
- Controlling your teen’s schedule and/or their finances
- Monitoring a teen’s diet and exercise
- Sending multiple texts each day to a child away at college
- Intervening in a teen’s life to prevent them from failing at a task or other effort
- Calling teachers, coaches or other authority figures to “fix” a teen’s problems
In order for kids to move forward, parents need to step back. To raise a well-adjusted young adult, you must allow your teen the opportunity to make their own decisions, try new things, and experience the consequences of their choices. Teens learn best through practice, so we must constantly look for ways to allow them to manage their own lives.
Signs of an Under-Involved Parent
There’s an important difference between allowing teens control of their own life and being uninvolved. When we are too distant, the parent-child relationship is damaged. Children with neglectful parents are at risk of poor academic performance, impulsiveness, substance abuse, lack of emotional skills, low self-esteem, and aggression.
Here are examples of an under-involved parent:
- Unaware of teen’s interests.
- Rarely attends teen’s events, such as performances or games.
- Fails to set rules and/or expectations for children.
- Rarely offers guidance or support.
- Avoids affection.
- Uninterested in carving out special time to spend with teen.
Children of uninvolved parents do not receive the support and structure needed to thrive. A hands-off approach to parenting can damage a teen’s ability to maintain healthy relationships, make good decisions, regulate their emotions, and develop positive coping skills. Teens need rules, boundaries, support and guidance in order to develop into a successful adult.
Strategies for the Right Amount of Involvement
If we don’t want to control our teen’s life, yet we also want to demonstrate loving support, how do we raise our teens with just the right amount of involvement? While it will be unique to every family, here are some general guidelines that can help guide you:
- Listen to your teen more than you talk. Show interest in your child’s life. Ask them about school, classes, friends, and hobbies.
- Attend your teen’s games, performances or other extracurricular activities. Compliment their hard work, but don’t offer advice on how to improve their performance unless specifically asked.
- Know who their friends are, but don’t try to change who they are friends with.
- Offer suggestions for how to tackle a challenge or complete a school assignment, but allow your teen to follow through (or not!) in their own way.
- Accept their mistakes without overreacting. Mistakes offer an opportunity for reflection and the development of good judgment. Ask your teen, ‘If you had it to do over, what would you do differently?’
- Be supportive and lend a listening ear when your adolescent wants to vent about homework woes, but don’t start taking projects into your own hands.
- Help teens set realistic goals and express your belief in their ability to achieve them.
- Brainstorm ideas for solving problems, but let them make the final decision and implement it.
- Let your teen decide what classes and extracurriculars they want – and don’t want – to take.
- Coach your teen in how to talk to a teacher or other authority figure when your teen is experiencing a problem.
- Encourage special time together. Eating dinner together or scheduling fun family outings is a great way to maintain healthy communication and demonstrate support.
Final Thoughts…
When we are too involved or not involved enough in our teen’s life, we rob them of the lessons they need to become an independent adult. We must develop a parenting style that strategizes for the long-term well-being of our children, which support and empowers teens to make good choices for themselves and experience the consequences of those choices.