Humans love to label things. We have a deeply ingrained tendency to classify and categorize objects, situations, and even people. On the one hand, labeling helps us to make sense of the world. Without this ability, we’d quickly get overwhelmed in every new encounter. Unfortunately, our tendency to label people can be very limiting or damaging to others, especially to our own children.
What is labeling a child?
Labeling means using an adjective to describe your child’s character, behavior, personality or appearance, and it’s something that most parents do a lot without even realizing it. We notice patterns of behavior in our children, and our brain wants to sort our observations. Common examples of labels parents might use with a child are: he is too shy, she is too bossy, he is very responsible, she is very smart, he is a wild child, she is flighty, he is very athletic, she is a leader, he is lazy, she is a picky eater, he is a math genius, or she is so creative. While some of these labels are complimentary, they still try to define your child in a certain way that may or may not be accurate. The child may only demonstrate these traits in certain situations and not in others, for example, so it’s not a full or exact description of their true character.
The Dangers of Labeling
1. Labeling affects the way children see themselves. What adults say, especially parents, carries a lot of weight with children, and they are extraordinary listeners. Labels can greatly influence how children view themselves. If a child is repeatedly called “bad,” they will perceive themselves as such and believe this is who they are and live down to those expectations. Your words will have a lasting impact on how your child thinks of him or herself throughout his or her life.
2. Labeling influences the way children are treated. When children are given labels, it affects not only the way they see themselves but also what is expected of them and how they are treated, which in turn, influences who they become. When we label someone, we only see the child through that lens. So next time they display a behavior or interest that doesn’t match our label, we may chalk it up as a “fluke” as opposed to expanding our understanding of who the child is. We might even miss a child’s efforts to improve! A child who is labeled “messy” may not be recognized when they take pains to become neater. A child who is labeled “inconsiderate” will be painted in that light even when their motives are kind and pure, which then discourages them from trying to be something better.
3. Labeling limits a child’s potential. Labels become part of our identity, so we often will not explore other things we might be interested in simply because they don’t fit into our defined label. For example, if you call your son a football star, he might be too afraid of disappointing you to tell you he is tired of the sport and wants to try something else. If you call your daughter responsible, she may now be too inhibited to take risks, or act goofy, for fear of losing her “positive” label. If a child continuously hears that they are a picky eater, then they “have permission” to avoid trying new foods. Both positive and negative labels can be a big influence on our children’s choices in life and can place barriers to exploration of new ideas, interests, or behaviors.
4. Labeling doesn’t allow for growth. Children are constantly going through phases as they grow, so the behaviors they show today are likely not the same ones they will show one year from now. Just because children demonstrate a pattern of behavior at one time does not mean they should be labeled as such. Teens especially “try” different identities during adolescence and explore all types of interests, friends, activities, behaviors, and careers. When children are not labeled, they are more willing to try new things, adjust behaviors, and work hard.
5. Labeling doesn’t recognize that every trait has pros and cons. Every human trait has positives and negatives, but our labels only focus on one or the other. For example, a high-energy child might be labeled “wild” but they are also enthusiastic. A “bossy” child is also a leader and a “daydreamer” is also imaginative. Instead of labeling a child, help them explore all aspects of their traits and talents. Avoid labeling any one trait as good or bad, but rather point out where that trait can be helpful and where it can present obstacles.
Tips to Avoid Labeling
Since there are so many dangers to labeling someone, it is a good idea to avoid doing it. However, with our brains wired to categorize everything we observe, that’s easier said than done. Here are some helpful ideas to avoid labeling your child:
- Be aware. The first step is to recognize what labels you might have inadvertently given your child, either in the past or currently.
- Practice reframing. Once you identify how you’re thinking about your teen, make conscious decisions about what you say to them to avoid future labeling. Use descriptive phrases about behaviors rather than labels about character. For example:
- Instead of labeling a child as “a kind child” or “a helpful person” try to say “you did a very kind thing” or “you were very helpful.”
- You might say “I can see that you’re having trouble meeting school deadlines” over “you’re lazy.”
- Instead of saying “you are shy” or “don’t be shy,” try statements such as, “it takes a little while for you to feel comfortable with new people,” or “you are talkative with people you know well.”
- Instead of labeling a child as a “whiner” or “cry-baby” notice that they are “tenderhearted” and “aware of their own feelings.”
- Instead of saying “you are so picky!” try to say, “it’s okay if you don’t want to try it this time.”
- Instead of bragging to your friends how creative your child is, mention that your child is really enjoying art right now.
- Appreciate individuality. Recognize all the different aspects of your child. Your child will be evolving over years and it can be exciting to stay open to see what they choose to do, explore, and enjoy. Choose to be delighted or curious by their newest unique views or interests.
- Reinforce choices. Let your child know they have choices and that it’s up to them to decide what kind of person they’ll become. Help your teen realize that every action they take (even choosing to not take action!) is a choice and that every decision has consequences, both good and bad. They don’t have to make choices that fit into anyone else’s expectations of them.
- Encourage growth. Praise your child whenever they try something new. Role model curiosity. Teach problem-solving skills. Point out what skills and traits they used whenever they overcome an obstacle and ask them what they learned.
- Make amends. If you realize in hindsight that you labeled your child, apologize and acknowledge that they are so much more than any one idea or label.
What Parents Should Do Instead
Humans are so much more complex than just one set of characteristics. All of us have been labeled by someone at sometime and known that we were so much more than that description of us!
Science has proven that our brains continue to develop and change throughout our entire lives. Likely you know from your own experience how much you have changed over time. Your values and behaviors at 20-years-old are very different from your values and behaviors at 40-years-old! So, with this important knowledge, make a decision to avoid defining your child with labels.
Instead, accept and support your child for whoever they reveal themselves to be at that particular time. Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, but it does mean loving your child the way they are, not the way you wish they were. Be open to learning who your child is, and then relearning a new version of them in a few months!
Final Thoughts…
The labels we use to describe children eventually become the labels they believe to be true about themselves. We can offer a truly meaningful gift to our children by avoiding labels and always allowing space for change and growth. Let us support our children as they explore their identities and reveal themselves over time. Let us embrace the possibility and potential of our children!