When your adolescent child acts defiantly, rebels, or withdraws, it is normal to feel angry, worried, upset, hurt, frustrated, or a mix of many emotions. In many ways, it’s so much easier to raise younger children because you are more in control of their lives. Parents of teens quickly realize that they have very little control over their teen’s behavior, and it can be maddening to watch them make bad decisions. Maybe your teen is refusing to attend school, or perhaps they have depression but won’t take their medication or see a therapist, or maybe your teen refuses to do their chores or abide by your house rules – whatever you are facing, you should remember that you are not alone. Adolescence is a difficult time of life characterized by wild mood swings, confusion over identity, and a desire for independence, which is hard for any parent to handle.
If your teen is acting defiantly or refusing responsibilities, here are some next steps:
1. Gather Facts.
Write down a history of your teen’s behavior. Try to be as factual as possible so that your notes are not clouded by emotion. Ask yourself (and your spouse, co-parent, child’s teacher, or other important adults in your teen’s life) these questions:
- What types of behavior do you consider a problem?
- When did these behaviors begin?
- Was there a precipitating event?
- Is there a family history?
- When did the symptoms worsen?
- How have I reacted to the behaviors?
- What situations or feelings seem to trigger the problem behaviors?
Be as honest as you possibly can. The point of this exercise is to get a clear, logical picture of the situation and to identify any patterns and/or causes that you can find to your teen’s behavior. This record can also be helpful if you later seek out professional help with a medical doctor or therapist.
2. Let Go of Assumptions.
Don’t guess or assume that you know why your teen is acting out. Your teen’s behavior is only a symptom of a deeper problem and is often covering up deeper feelings of pain, fear, depression, or loneliness. In other words, there is a reason they are acting this way, and if you really want to stop the poor behavior, then you’re going to have to discover and deal with the root cause. Assuming your teen is just “a bad kid” can cause your teen to feel misunderstood or even more alone with whatever difficult emotions they are coping with, which deepens their reasons for more bad behavior. Here are some possible reasons why your teen might be acting out:
- Bullying. Teens who are being bullied, either in person at school or online via social media, will express their anger, frustration and helplessness by misbehaving at home or refusing school.
- Trauma. When teens experience something that causes them to feel helpless or hopeless, they don’t know how to manage their big emotions in positive ways.
- Mental Health Condition. More and more teens are suffering from depression, anxiety disorders, and other mental health conditions. If left untreated, mental health conditions will definitely cause troubled behavior.
- Learning Disability. When a teen cannot succeed in the classroom despite their best efforts due to an undiagnosed or untreated learning disability, it can also cause a teen to feel angry and/or refuse school.
- Pressured. Teens face peer pressure from their friends to fit in, academic pressure from their parents, and cultural pressure to succeed in school, sports, and extracurriculars.
- Exploratory Risk-Taking. Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are which can lead them to testing family, cultural, and personal limits.
- Family Strife. Conflict within the home can also cause anger and frustration which result in a teen’s desire to either withdraw or lash out.
This is not an exhaustive list of all the possible causes behind a teen’s negative behavior, but it does offer some ideas for what might be behind it.
3. Ask Your Teen.
Talk to your teen about their behavior at a time when everyone is feeling calm. Believe it or not, most teens want someone to simply ask them what they want or need. Approach the subject with open-ended questions and avoid accusations or judgments. For example, you might say, “You have told me you don’t want to go to school. Is there a problem there that I can help you address or is there something you need?”
If you go into the discussion without your own assumptions you might be surprised by what your teen is thinking or feeling. For example, perhaps they are refusing to take a medication prescribed by their doctor because they feel bad when they take them, or maybe they are refusing therapy because they don’t trust their therapist, or perhaps they are refusing to attend school because they are embarrassed in math class.
Your teen might ignore your attempt to get to the root cause of their behavior, but you are still demonstrating to your teen that you’re trying to understand them and that you want to help. If you are consistent and patient, they might approach you later when they feel ready to talk.
4. Change Your Focus
When a teen is acting out, it’s hard to notice anything besides their negative behavior, but that only reinforces it. It’s also easy to view your teen as the enemy. Try to completely change your outlook on your child:
- Instead of thinking of your teen as the enemy, think of the problem behavior as the enemy. You and your teen are a team who must overcome the problem. Without your teen’s buy-in, you will not get them to change their behavior, so you need to work together.
- Remind yourself daily about something you love about your child. Notice the unique person they are becoming.
- Assume your child’s bad behaviors are an indication of their suffering, not disrespect.
- Notice something positive about them or their actions and compliment them.
- Ask yourself, “What is standing in the way of my child wanting to (insert desired behavior)?”
- Ask yourself, “What habits does our family have that could be making the problem worse?”
5. Stay Respectful.
Teens can often come across as rude and disrespectful to their parents, teachers or other authority figures. No doubt, it is incredibly frustrating. Unfortunately, many adults will respond by being rude and disrespectful back. Remember that you are the adult – you must model behavior you want to see. If a teen sees you being disrespectful, then they will assume that their behavior is appropriate (regardless of what you say).
Final Thoughts…
The adolescent years are a time filled with rapid change, mood swings, and growing independence, but it does not have to be a time of war. So many people have talked about the difficulties of raising a teenager that many parents approach the adolescent years as an ordeal to survive. But this is still your child, and they need you. If you realize that your teen’s refusals of responsibility are a symptom of their suffering, it’s easier to approach them with compassion.