If your child tells you that they are gender fluid, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning (LGBTQ), you will likely feel a wide range of different emotions. It’s very normal for parents to feel stressed, confused, scared, or surprised, but no matter how you feel, don’t pull back from your child when you’re needed most!
For many LGBTQ youth, breaking the news to their parents is the scariest part of ‘coming out.’ Parents are a stabilizing force in their children’s lives, and children naturally crave their parents’ acceptance and support. Research shows that LGBTQ adolescents who are supported by their families grow up to be happier and healthier adults.
So, if you’re wondering what you should do if your child tells you they are LGBTQ, the quick answer is don’t freak out. Recognize that your initial response is very important to your teen and could have lifelong impacts on their mental health and wellness. The best response is simply to say, “Thank you for trusting me with this information. I love you. How can I support you?” For the longer answer, we will explore, first, what mistakes parents should avoid and, second, what actions parents should take:
Parents Should Avoid These Mistakes:
- Rejection. Don’t reject your child. And no matter how you are feeling, be aware that silence also signals rejection. Rejecting your child not only causes hurt and anger but could ruin chances of a long-term relationship. You also want to avoid big overreactions and flat underreactions. Move away from statements that seem like you have known all along or how you are very shocked.
- Judgment. Listening to a child’s experience can be difficult for many parents, especially if your child’s statements conflict with your political or religious beliefs. Try not to react emotionally to what’s being said, but instead focus on trying to understand your child’s perspective. Working to understand their viewpoint and/or supporting them as a person does NOT mean that you have to agree or disagree with them. You can make someone feel heard and understood regardless of your own opinions.
- Protection. Often, our first instinct as parents is to protect our teens at all costs. With so much hate in the world, you might think it would be easier if your teen didn’t come out to everyone. Some parents ask their kids to “not be gay in public” or “don’t show it anywhere.” But in essence, you would be asking your child to not be themselves, which would be far more difficult for your teen. Don’t prioritize the protection of your child over their identity.
- Control. Teens are in a constant state of identity development: they are figuring out who they are, what they believe in, and how to make important decisions. While you might want to try to control their situation to keep them safe, it is equally important to let teens make decisions on their own, learn from mistakes, and solve their own problems.
- Disinterest. Do not depend solely on your child to educate you about their gender identity or sexual orientation, or assume you already know what your child is experiencing. Do your own research. You can learn more in our previous blog about gender identity.
- Dismissal. Some parents worry their child’s professed gender identity or sexual orientation is ‘just a phase,’ or think they’ll change their mind later. Research shows that it’s very rare for a child to change their mind after coming out, but even if they do, it would be their decision resulting from the exploration of their gender identity, rather than someone trying to control it for them. Take their feelings seriously.
- Disappointment. One of the hardest parts for parents is letting go of our preconceived notions of what our child’s life is going to be or should be. When a child takes a different path than we expected – whether that’s a career choice, a lifestyle habit, gender identity, or some other important life decision – it can be challenging to accept. Their news likely interrupts a vision you might have had. It’s important to remember that, as a parent, you are an important part of your child’s life, but you are not the architect of their life. They must explore and experience their identity on their own. While disappointment with a child’s choices can be a normal reaction, you should not express your discontent with your child. Process your grief, fear, bias, or worries on your own or with a therapist.
Parents Should Take These Actions:
- Be Respectful. Remember that your child is sharing something deeply personal with you, that they have likely thought about a lot. Make your best effort to accept their identity and/or show respect for their choices. Demonstrate that you are open to new ideas by celebrating diversity in all forms. Accept and love your child as they are.
- Normalize. Do not treat your child differently than you did before they came out. Do not regard their gender identity or sexual orientation as a “big deal,” but also don’t ignore it as though you want to pretend it’s not happening. Research shows that LGBTQ people report lower rates of suicide attempts when they have access to affirming adults.
- Be Curious. Be interested in what your child has to say. Seek to understand their viewpoint and learn about their experience. Ask how long they’ve known this about themselves, who else they’ve shared their identity with and if they have any concerns. Ask questions for clarification, but do not offer rebuttals or judgments.
- Be Supportive. Ask your child how you can best support them and do as they ask. Every month or two, revisit this issue with your child and ask how you can do better. Make corrections as necessary.
- Advocate. Make a game plan with your child about which family members and friends they would like to tell and how. Do not share this information with anyone without your child’s permission. Be a support to your child by helping other family members and friends to make the adjustment and offering them resources to understand. Stand up for your child if someone is mistreating them.
- Apologize for mistakes. When a child comes out, it can be very disorienting at first, and you might very well say or do the wrong thing. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Apologize, make note of your mistake to avoid making it again, and move on.
- Get support. Remember that it’s normal to have questions and maybe even some fears after your child has come out. This is a big change for you, too, and finding support for yourself will equip you with the tools and knowledge to better support your teen. Seek out LGBTQ organizations, resources, and events for both you and your child.
Final Thoughts…
Many parents think of their children as an extension of themselves, but in actuality, your child is their own person that you get the privilege of experiencing life with. No matter who your child turns out to be, whether a doctor or a bus driver, whether an athlete or an artist, whether transgender or cisgender, make your best effort to accept their identity and/or show respect for their choices. Children desperately need their parents support, and those who receive it tend to be happier, healthier adults.