Life isn’t always fair, and we all face setbacks in our journeys. Rejection, failure, disappointment, and unfairness happen to everyone. It’s important that we teach children how to deal with these setbacks in order to be successful in life. Unfortunately, it’s easy for people, especially children, to slip into a victim mentality – a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment.
Today’s youth might not be running around yelling ‘poor me’, but it takes only a few moments of chatting with a teen to hear them complain about things like ‘it’s not fair how I have 2 exams on the same day,’ ‘I’d be doing better at English if my teacher didn’t always pick on me,’ or ‘It’s his fault I’m so anxious all the time – he’s the one who cheated on me.’ Refusal to accept personal responsibility is the common thread in all of these statements. Children with this mindset tend to feel sorry for themselves, exaggerate their misfortune, whine, and complain. If left unchecked, these whiny kids develop into whiny adults who don’t know how to take responsibility for themselves and feel like they are always treated unfairly.
How we handle disappointments will ultimately determine our happiness and success in life. Parents need to encourage their teens to turn their struggles into strength. When your teen faces hardship, empower them to see themselves as a mentally strong person who can endure adversity. Here’s how:
Listen to your own Voice.
According to experts, victim mentality is a learned behavior, not something kids are born with. It’s something they learn from culture, in a social environment, from family members, or as the result of trauma. If you know your child has not experienced trauma, then take a moment to reflect on your household. Are you or someone in the family placing the blame on others or shirking responsibilities or rescuing your child at the first sign of trouble? Make sure that you’re not role modeling being a victim, smoothing away all the challenges in your teen’s path, or frequently complaining about the unfairness of life.
Empathize without Encouraging the Mindset
If your teen gets hit with a difficulty, it’s important to remember that you can listen to your child’s frustration without agreeing with what they are saying. You can tell your teen that you are sorry they are facing this challenge. You can agree that sometimes life isn’t fair. Do not argue with your child that their feelings are wrong, but also do not reinforce their feelings by adding more reasons they should feel victimized. It’s ok to allow your teen the opportunity to vent for a small window of time. But then you need to remind them that disappointments and struggles are a part of life, and how we handle them is what’s most important.
Don’t Deny or Fan the Flame
Feeling like a victim is an emotion, not a true or false question. If your child feels something is unfair, someone else telling them it is fair won’t really change how they feel. Conversely, if you have the sense that your child is being treated unfairly, piling on with your own emotions or more reasons they should feel slighted does not help them feel better or improve the situation. Even worse, some parents try to make up for their child’s disappointment by indulging them: you might take care of their responsibilities or give them material goods like clothing, electronics, and money. None of these strategies work, and in fact, are likely to reinforce a victim mentality.
Express Belief
Your teen needs to believe they are capable of handling difficulties. Their belief largely depends on YOUR belief in them. So, tell your teen, “I believe in you!” or “I know you can overcome this challenge!” If they feel empowered to improve their own situation, they will not feel like a victim. Point out times in the past when they have handled problems well or mention specific skills or talents your teen has that you think will help them overcome their struggle.
Develop Problem Solving Skills
Move your teen from complaining about the situation to positive action! Spending time whining or repeatedly wishing something didn’t happen is a waste of time and energy. Instead, ask your teen how they are planning to deal with the injustice they perceive. Encourage them to brainstorm how they could improve the situation or overcome the challenge. If you’re not sure how to help your teen with this step, please read our previous blog Teaching Problem Solving Skills.
Show the Bright Side
Let your teen know that challenges develop positive character traits. We become patient when we are forced to wait, courageous when we have to face fear, resourceful when we have to find new solutions, persistent when we have to keep trying, and strong when we have to overcome a challenge. Our difficulties mold us into better versions of human beings.
Teach Positive Coping Skills
Everyone needs a positive way to deal with stress. Help your teen identify theirs! Activities like exercising, listening to music, dancing, drawing, writing in a journal, yoga, playing a musical instrument, taking a long bath, reading a good book, taking a walk, or spending time with a pet can all reduce stress.
Here are some previous blogs we have written that explain several positive skills you can use to help your teen cope with stress or feel empowered to handle challenges:
Final Thoughts…
While it might seem like a good idea to feel ‘sorry’ for our teens and the struggles they face, allowing them to sit back and play victim to it all is the worst thing we can do to them. Getting cut from the soccer team or failing a class doesn’t make your child a victim. Instead, treat these ‘setbacks’ as a ‘setup for a comeback.’ Help your teen identify ways that they can take positive action, despite their circumstances. Sometimes we all will feel that urge to “rescue” our teens from their difficulties, but try to keep the bigger perspective in mind: raising a successful adult, not a whiny one. Difficulties are what develop character.