Parents juggle many competing interests while raising children, and there’s never one right or wrong way to do things. Parenting is often a balancing act, and it’s hard to know if we are too far in one direction or the other. This is certainly the case in determining what activities we should allow our children to undertake themselves without adult supervision.
Research into Adolescent Independence
This past summer, the Mott Poll team at the University of Michigan released interesting results from a survey of 1,000 U.S. parents with children ages 13 to 18:
- less than half of parents felt comfortable leaving their teenager alone in a hotel room while they grabbed breakfast.
- less than a third would let their teen walk a short distance to a coffee shop by themselves.
- only 1 in 5 would be okay with their teen wandering solo around an amusement park.
This is reflective of a growing trend in Western culture. Psychologist Peter Gray and colleagues noted in a September 2023 review in the Journal of Pediatrics that today’s children are less likely to hold part-time jobs or walk or bike to school alone compared with previous generations. Other research has found that parents report increasing discomfort with letting their kids engage in unsupervised play.
Additional studies have shown that teens whose parents allow them to experience mistakes and gradually expose them to the challenges of the world in an age-appropriate manner develop maturity and the skills they need to succeed.
Problems with Adolescents Who Are Less Independent
This generation of youth are experiencing an increase in mental health problems and a decrease in social skills, confidence, responsibility and resilience. Colleges and employers have complained that today’s young adults lack the responsibility and accountability needed for success. Eventually young adults that have relied on their parents throughout their childhood are unable to cope when they discover the world doesn’t cater to them as their parents did.
Child psychologists say that teenagers actually need more freedom and independence in order to develop confidence that they can navigate the world on their own. The long-term benefits to our children of instilling independence actually far outweigh the risks to their safety.
Ways Parents Can Give Teens Independence Safely
Adults need to flip the script from protecting teens from all dangers to helping them practice life skills safely. Following are some different ways that parents can allow their children to flex their independence while still staying safe.
Taking on more responsibility. Teenagers should be mostly taking care of themselves. They should be self-grooming, making their own lunch, getting themselves up in the morning, doing their own laundry, earning and budgeting their own money, and staying alone in the house with specific rules.
Exploring the world. Teens should be taking public transportation and walking or biking short distances by themselves. If you haven’t given your teen this type of freedom yet, practice it together first. Talk thought safety precautions and how to read maps and transport schedules. Teens should also be ordering food on their own, such as telling a waiter their order at a restaurant and using food delivery apps.
Making their own decisions. Your teen should be making their own choices about how they want to spend their time, how they deal with peer pressure, how to take care of their mental and physical health, who they hang out with, what they want to do after high school graduation, and how to spend their money. This does NOT mean that we never say no anymore, stop enforcing our family rules, or become permissive and/or disengaged. It DOES mean that we allow them the freedom to make their own decisions about their life including ones that we think will be a mistake. As youth gain experience with making decisions (even when their choice is a mistake!), they gain more confidence, become more accountable and learn to accept the consequences of their choices.
Vacations present an ideal opportunity for teens to practice independence. Try choosing safe places to visit that will optimize teen freedom. Create safety parameters, such as asking your teen to text when they get to their destination and agreeing on when and where to reconvene.
Encouraging new activities. Allowing teens to explore interests and activities that may take them away from home can help them develop new skills, take positive risks, and build resilience. Possible activities include youth groups, sporting teams, clubs, recreational classes, school musicals, volunteer projects, part-time work and artistic endeavors.
Visiting the doctor. As your child enters adolescence, encourage them to take the lead in answering the doctor’s questions at appointments. Once they feel comfortable with answering questions, encourage them to ask the doctor their own questions about their care, and whenever possible, involve them in making decisions about their care. By the time they are 16, encourage your teen to spend time alone with medical professionals (without you in the room). Giving your teen time alone with their doctor allows your child to build their confidence and also speak honestly and ask questions they might be too embarrassed to ask in front of you.
All of these ideas are great ways to build independence and responsibility in your teenagers. When you take the time to coach your teen through these skills instead of doing it for them, they will build confidence and be prepared for adulthood.
Why Parents of Teens Need to Change their Role from Supervisor to Coach
Overprotective parents have the very best of intentions and deeply care about their children, so they often feel criticized and wonder if everyone is suggesting that they should just let their teen sink or swim. That is not the case! There is an important balance. There are really three options: 1) you let your teen fail and do nothing, 2) you rescue them by doing too much for them, or 3) you coach your teen on how to handle life – giving them steps along the way to become a confident adult. When you look at the broader perspective, raising a child to be successful in adulthood is a better goal than smoothing over life’s rough spots in the present moment.
Final Thoughts…
When children are young, they need us to do a lot for them, but by the time a child hits adolescence, a parent’s role is to teach them how to do things on their own. Children do not become competent when they hit a certain age. Children become confident because they have experiences over time that teach life lessons and make them realize that they are capable.