Sexual assault is any unwanted and forced sexual behavior that happens without a person’s consent. It can include any form of touching, and does not have to include intercourse. Anyone, regardless of gender, race, age, or socioeconomic standing, can become a victim of sexual assault, and it can happen between romantic partners, friends, family members, acquaintances or strangers.
Sexual assault is very traumatizing, and it’s important that victims receive your support. It is vital to understand that if your teen experiences sexual assault, it’s not their fault. No matter how they acted, what they said, how they were dressed, or what situation they put themselves in, the responsibility lies entirely with the person or people who committed the assault.
If your child tells you about a sexual assault
People who experience sexual assault have a wide range of reactions and emotions. Your child might be teary, clingy, angry, in denial, afraid, irritable, overwhelmed, or even outwardly calm. They might experience flashbacks, have trouble concentrating, feel guilty or depressed, lose interest in previously close relationships, and/or be very anxious. Since there is such a wide variety of reactions, it’s important to avoid making any assumptions or judgments based on how your teen is acting. For example, just because they are acting calm or even laughing about their situation, it does not mean that it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t traumatizing to them.
Here are some tips to be supportive if your child tells you about experiencing sexual assault.
- Listen to your child without interrupting. Let your child talk in their own time, at their own pace and in their own way. Don’t assume anything about what has happened or how your child is feeling.
- Avoid asking detailed, direct or leading questions. If something isn’t clear, you can gently ask, ‘What do you mean?’
- Don’t make promises that you can’t keep or have no control over. For example, your child might ask you not to tell anyone. You can’t promise this, because keeping your child safe might involve telling other people.
- It’s a great idea to encourage your teen to contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline by calling 1-800-656-HOPE or texting HOPE to 64673. Their trained support specialists can offer support, information, advice, and referrals.
- Stay calm on the outside, even if you’re feeling many strong emotions. If you do get upset, explain to your child that it’s because of what happened to them, not because of anything they did. If you need space to process what you’ve been told, do this with someone other than your teen.
- What To Say
- “I believe you.” Everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them, even if what they’re saying seems unreal or doesn’t make sense at first.
- “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this.” Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor—as often as needed—that only the perpetrator is to blame.
- “You’re not alone. I care about you, and I’m here to help in any way I can.” Offer them warmth and reassurance. Let your child know they can talk to you whenever they want and that nothing is too awful to share with you.
- “Thank you for sharing this with me. That took courage.” Acknowledge that the experience has seriously impacted their life, you are taking it seriously, and they did the right thing to tell you.
- “If you want to see a doctor or talk to the police, I will go with you if that feels helpful.” Let them decide what they want to do and support their decision.
- What NOT to Say
- “Are you sure that’s what happened?” This may make them feel that you don’t believe them.
- “Why didn’t you fight back / report it / tell someone sooner?” Never push a survivor to report to the police or obtain a sexual assault forensic exam. Pressuring a survivor can be retraumatizing in the wake of sexual violence. Also, traumatic events are very confusing and often the victim does not react in a predictable or expected fashion.
- “What were you wearing?” Don’t ask for details such as who hurt them, what they were wearing, how they were behaving, or if they’d had anything to drink. Questions like these can make someone feel blamed for what was done to them.
- “But they seemed like such a nice person.” Seemingly nice people do terrible things every day. Just because the perpetrator has been nice to you in the past doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.
- “It happened so long ago; why are you still upset?” Never tell a survivor that they should have gotten over it by now. There is no timeline for healing.
Caring for your teen after sexual assault
After a sexual assault, teenagers often feel powerless and might doubt their self-worth. But there are things you can do to help your child get back a sense of control, freedom and safety:
- Try to keep everything as predictable as possible:
- Maintain your child’s usual daily routine, like going to school.
- Encourage your child to keep up with extracurricular activities and connecting with friends.
- Keep your home routine consistent.
- Encourage your teen to see a mental health professional. Counselling can help your child, you, and/or your family understand the effects of the sexual assault. Family therapy can also help you all work through this together. While it’s important to suggest your teen see a counselor, don’t insist. Some victims find it helpful to see a therapist soon after the assault, while others might not feel ready then, but might benefit from counselling later.