It can be a shocking experience if your teenager comes home smelling of alcohol, marijuana, or cigarette smoke. As a parent, you will likely feel a mix of worry, anger, surprise, and maybe even failure, guilt or betrayal. You will probably feel unsure of the best way to handle the situation. While there is no “one size fits all” approach, today’s blog will explore some appropriate reactions.
First of all, parents should remember that, while you can communicate clearly that you think abstaining from drugs is the right choice, you cannot control every aspect of a young person’s life. Your teen’s choices do not always reflect on anything you have or have not done. Teens try alcohol, marijuana, and other substances for a wide variety of reasons, including peer pressure, experimentation, seeking risk, rebellion, coping with anxiety or depression, and asserting their independence.
Second, if you need to have an important discussion with your teen about substance use, it’s important to choose the right moment. Everyone should be in a calm state of mind. You should choose a time and place where you will not be interrupted. If you or your teen feel emotional, angry or like you might raise your voice, it’s best to delay the talk. If you aren’t prepared to answer questions, parents might let teens know that you’ll talk about the topic at a later time. And if a teen is intoxicated, wait until the teen is sober before talking.
If your teen has obviously been smoking or drinking, your response should be measured, quiet and serious — not yelling, shouting or overly emotional. Your child should realize that this isn’t just a small, frustrating moment, but rather a serious issue. You might say, “I’m really upset that you’re smoking/drinking. I love you and care about you. Your health and well-being are what’s most important, so I want to understand why you chose to do it and I need you to be honest. Can you tell me what happened last night and why you or your friends were smoking/drinking?”
Listen carefully to your teen’s response. Do not interrupt or judge. Make sure you fully understand their perspective and viewpoint. You can restate their reasoning in your own words to confirm you understand their thoughts. Do not lecture or use scare tactics – these never work with adolescents. Instead, ask open ended questions that force them to reconsider their choices. For example, you might say, “does it concern you that you might get thrown off your sports team if you keep smoking?” or “have you thought about how drinking could impact your ____ (health / safety / goals)?”
This will likely be an ongoing conversation where your teen might change their viewpoint multiple times. Do not get frustrated. Keep expressing your desire for their well-being. Show interest in their opinions. Reinforce their good qualities and praise them when you see them making good choices. If they express any interest in making different choices, help them brainstorm ways to be successful. For example, if they express an interest in avoiding drugs but don’t know how to say “no” to their friends, help them think of positive and realistic ways to deflect peer pressure. (You might want to visit our previous blog, building your teen’s refusal skills.)
Make sure your teen understands your house rules and the consequences for breaking those rules — and, most importantly, that you really will enforce those consequences. Kids are less likely to use substances if their parents have established a pattern of setting clear rules and following through with consequences. Consequences should always be reasonable, enforceable and short-lived.
Finally, always work to create a close bond with your teenager and role model good behaviors. Ultimately, having the positive support of a caring adult is the best way to guide a teenager to a great future.