Even in the best of relationships, conflict is inevitable. Whether it’s a best friend, a dating partner, a parent, a classmate, a difficult teacher, a sports teammate, a college roommate, …well you get the point, every relationship has the potential for challenges. Conflicts by themselves are not the problem, but rather how we deal with them. One of the best gifts any adult can give a teen is teaching them good conflict resolution skills. Youth who can learn the basics of resolving conflicts will be more confident and successful in their young lives and into adulthood.
Unhealthy Reactions to Conflict
When a problem arises in a relationship, we might feel angry, hurt, frustrated, or disappointed. These are all natural feelings, but the way we react to them can help resolve the conflict, or make it worse. Negative reactions include:
- Exploding angrily
- Assuming the other person has terrible intentions or is uncaring
- Failing to truly listen to the other person
- Withdrawing or shutting the person out
- Avoiding confrontation
- Refusing to compromise
- Blaming others
Healthy Strategies to Managing Conflict
Try replacing negative reactions with these more helpful strategies:
Self Awareness. Before you enter a conflict, take a moment to reflect on the issue. Honestly assess the problem – conflicts are rarely one person’s fault, so at least consider how you might have contributed. Check in with yourself to identify your emotions and what needs you have that aren’t being met. Determine whether you are calm enough to communicate your needs in a productive way.
Direct Communication is the key to conflict management. Avoiding the problem just allows it to fester. Exploding angrily or blaming others causes the other person to become defensive. Addressing the issue quickly and calmly gets the best results. The most important pieces of information you need to communicate during a conflict are: that the issue is important to you, that you are committed to resolving it and that you care about the relationship.
When explaining your perspective of the problem, follow these important tips:
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, for example, saying “I feel hurt when…” instead of “you are so mean when you…” In other words, describe yourself and the situation, not the other person.
- Don’t generalize. Avoid words like “always” or “never.”
- Avoid exaggerating. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.
- Avoid blaming. Instead tell them what’s not working for you and what you need.
- Stay in the present. Don’t bring up other issues that have bothered you in the past.
- Do not attack the other person. No name calling, yelling, accusing, or threatening.
When listening to the other person, follow these important tips:
- Try to see the problem from their perspective.
- Be curious. Ask questions to understand their point of view. You don’t have to agree with them to still demonstrate a sincere effort to understand them.
- Do not interrupt with your own point of view.
- Do not snort, roll your eyes, or otherwise use body language to communicate disgust.
- When the person is done explaining their point of view, restate in your own words what you believe the other person has said, and ask if you correctly understood them.
Cooperative Problem-Solving. Your goal in resolving conflicts is mutual understanding. When people understand each other they tend to stop fighting and start talking. Many of us enter a conflict with a goal to “win” or be right. Unfortunately, this only creates more conflict. Instead outline your needs, ask what their needs are, and together generate a list of possible solutions that meets as many needs as possible and is acceptable to everyone involved. It’s really about shifting our mindset from “me against you” to “you and I are a team against the problem.”
Final Thoughts…
Conflict resolution is not easy, but is always worthwhile. If you can encourage your teen to start using these skills now (or at a minimum be role modeling these skills), you will be setting your child up for success. Conflict resolution is one of the most sought-after soft skills by employers.