In a 2020 report, it was determined that 7.5 million Americans are stalked each year; and a staggering 48% of teens between the ages of 12 and 18 who had been in a dating relationship had been stalked or harassed by a partner. Since this seems to be a fairly common experience among youth, it’s important that parents talk to their teens about stalking, preferably before they start dating. Additionally, parents should not only discuss what it is and what to do if it happens to them, they should also tell their teens it is unacceptable behavior for them to do to someone else. While we might think that our children would never stalk someone, teens who are inexperienced with relationships and have experienced a first crush or heartbreak may not realize that following their love interest around is not ok.
What is Stalking?
The term ‘stalking’ can frequently be used in a joking manner by teens, so it’s no surprise that most youth don’t understand what it really is. Make sure your teen has an accurate definition of the term. Stalking is a repeated pattern of behavior that makes the victim feel afraid, nervous, harassed, or in danger.
If a teen is unsure whether someone is actually stalking him/her, they should ask themselves these questions:
- Are the interactions unwanted on my part?
- Are the interactions ongoing?
- Do the interactions make me feel uneasy?
If a teen can answer ‘yes’ to these questions, they may be being stalked. Be sure to tell your teen that if they are stalked, it is not their fault. Stalkers are responsible for their behavior, not the victims. Also inform your teen that stalking is a crime.
Signs of Stalking
Teens should be aware that stalkers come in all forms. A stalker can be a current boyfriend or girlfriend, someone they dated in the past, someone they know casually, or even a stranger. When someone repeatedly contacts you, follows you, sends you things, or talks to you when you don’t want them to, they have crossed a line. Stalking behaviors can include:
- Writing and leaving you notes
- Damaging your property
- Knowing your schedule
- Showing up at places you go or events you attend
- Sending mail, e-mail, and/or pictures
- Creating a website about you
- Sending gifts
- Stealing things that belong to you
- Calling or texting you repeatedly
- Following you
- Driving by your home or workplace repeatedly
- Harassing you online and/or on social media
- Threatening you or someone you care about
- Photographing you without permission
Again, in addition to telling teens to watch out for these behaviors from someone they know, parents should also let their teens know they should not be doing the above behaviors to anyone else.
How to Protect Your Teen
Don’t wait for your teen to experience stalking to inform him or her what to do if it should happen. Many teens are embarrassed and/or scared, and do not tell anyone when they have a stalker. Be proactive and inform them what to do before they face a bad situation.
Actions your teen should take:
- Establish boundaries. The first step in any stalking situation is to clearly and firmly tell the stalker that you do not want their attention and that their behavior needs to stop. The stalker may be socially awkward and simply not realize that their behavior is inappropriate. Sometimes, a stalker simply needs to be told that you want them to stay away from you, and the behavior will stop. If it still continues, you can be confident that the stalker is acting intentionally and is a potential danger. (Note: you should not approach your stalker alone.)
- Avoid contact. Once you have told the stalker clearly to leave you alone, avoid all contact with them. Do not respond to them in any way. If you have been clear and they have not respected your wishes, then there is no reason to communicate with them again. In fact, messaging, talking or meeting with them again may give them the feeling that they are “making progress” with you.
- Tell someone. Tell your family, friends, or a trusted adult the identity of your stalker and ask them to try to direct the person away from you, if they are able.
- Practice safety. Whenever you go out, tell someone where you are going and when you will be back. Try to always go out with a friend or in a group. Do not post your location online. Know where your local police and fire stations are as a safe place to go if needed. Always have a charged cell phone with you that has the phone numbers of people to contact in an emergency. Think through possible scenarios ahead of time, such as where to go or who to call for help.
- Vary your routines. Walking the dog or going for a run at the same time every day makes it easier for the person stalking you to know where you will be and when. Your stalker will also quickly determine your favorite hangouts. It’s a good idea to change your routine frequently so that your stalker won’t know where to find you.
- Keep a log. Document the situation. Make notes of the exact dates, times, and locations that the stalker contacted you and by what method. Note any witnesses. Save all emails, text messages, voicemails, letters, and gifts. Screenshot threatening social media posts or comments. Take photos of property damage.
Actions parents should take:
- File an official complaint. Contact the police and share your child’s documented log with them. Documentation makes it easier for the police to do something about the situation. Even if there’s nothing they can do initially, you will at least have a complaint on file should the stalking escalate or continue.
- Request a restraining order or an order of protection. Although the laws vary from state to state, most people who have been stalked more than two times can get some type of protection order, which would require the person stalking your teen to stay away from them. If they violate the protection order, they can be held accountable by the police.
- Let school officials (and employers if teen is employed) know about the stalking. Even though being stalked may be embarrassing for your teen, it’s important that other adults know what they are experiencing. By letting them know, they can be on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary and alert the police if they feel your teen is in danger. At a minimum, they should be able to ensure that your teen has an escort to their car.
Final Thoughts…
When it comes to stalking, most teens try to ignore the behavior or refuse to talk about it. But stalking is a serious issue that not only puts them at risk but also can have a significant impact on their mental health. Offer them support. It’s not uncommon for teens who are being stalked to experience anxiety and/or depression. Watch for these signs, and seek a mental health professional if you are concerned.