Pornography today is significantly different than in previous generations. Before the Internet, porn was generally limited to pictures in Playboy magazine and renting X-rated movies from the adult video store. Porn wasn’t easy to get, nor was it especially graphic. But with the advent of the digital age, today’s porn has become more common and easy to find on the Internet and is drastically more explicit and violent in content.
The overwhelming prevalence of pornography on the Internet has significantly impacted this generation of youth. The average age a child is first exposed to porn online is 11 years old! That’s the average age, which means that elementary school children are stumbling across porn while online. As children progress into puberty, they develop a natural curiosity about sex, and when presented with the opportunity and such easy access via the Internet, many are choosing to seek out pornography. Recent studies indicate 90 percent of teens have viewed porn online, and 10 percent admit to daily use. This activity continues into adulthood. In fact, in the United States, 79 percent of men, age 18-30, view porn at least monthly.
The detrimental effect of readily available access to porn was highlighted last year when Billie Eilish, a popular singer, admitted in an interview that she had started watching porn around age 11 and that the graphically violent imagery gave her nightmares. She is not alone. In surveys, children reported viewing pornography they found disturbing or overly aggressive.
“It really destroyed my brain,” Eilish said. “The first few times I had sex, I was not saying no to things that were not good; it was because I thought that’s what I was supposed to be attracted to.”
Scientific research supports her statement. Studies show that exposure to significant amounts of pornography causes people to think and act differently. For example, research has shown that people who view a lot of porn are more likely to:
- feel disappointment with real sexual experiences.
- think violent sex and sex with animals are common behaviors.
- believe mutual consent and safe sex are not important.
- exhibit or accept dominating and harassing behavior.
- not feel compassion for rape victims.
- cheat on their romantic partner.
When a tween or teen watch pornographic material, they start to form unrealistic expectations and a distorted reality about sex. Boys start to think that it’s “normal” for women to want sex in aggressive or unusual ways. In addition, once boys begin masturbating to cruel, hardcore, violent porn, even if they logically know that porn is fake, studies show that they will not grow up wired for intimacy and connection and will experience disappointment with real sexual relationships. Teen girls have reported that ‘online sexual abuse and harassment were becoming a normal part of their everyday interactions’ and described boys pressuring them to engage in acts inspired by porn. They feel that boys act like they are entitled to girls’ bodies and that girls are there for their pleasure.
What Should Parents Do? TALK!
The most important thing that you can do is talk to your teen about sex and pornography.
Reasons Parents Avoid Conversations about Sex and Porn
Many parents avoid these conversations, so let’s consider the top reasons:
- Parents feel embarrassed or think their teen will feel too awkward. Children are naturally curious about sex, and if you discuss it in a frank and straightforward way that doesn’t shame your child and is very fact based, they will likely see you as a safe resource for their questions. Our bodies, identities, and how we navigate interpersonal relationships are all natural parts of being human. The conversations only become awkward if you approach them that way.
- Parents believe that talking about sex will encourage their kids to have sex earlier or that talking about porn will encourage their kids to seek out pornography. Research has consistently proven that talking to children about sex actually results in teens delaying their first sexual encounters and having less sexual partners. Talking with young people prepares them for informed decision making.
- Parents are waiting for their child to ask. Many parents erroneously think that if their child hasn’t asked them, they are either not ready to discuss it or don’t know about sex or pornography yet. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They are learning about sex and porn from their peers at young ages. If you have an elementary student or tween and they haven’t brought their questions your way, consider whether you have created an environment in your home where your children can talk to you without fear of punishment, judgment, or ridicule.
- Parents believe that schools will provide enough of an education. Unfortunately, only 18 states in the U.S. require medically accurate sex education in schools. Parents must play an active role in their child’s sex education. Some teens actually turn to porn to learn about sex because they are not getting the information anywhere else. And even in states where schools do provide accurate sex education, they do not cover the topics of consent or healthy relationships.
- Parents simply don’t know what to say. Children aren’t looking for us to be encyclopedias, and you definitely know more than they do. Our kids just want to know we are safe, reliable people they can come to as they need us. Any information you don’t know, you can be honest about and look up together. Below are some tips for what to talk about.
Tips for Having a Conversation with your Teen about Pornography
Since it’s really important that parents talk to their children about pornography, here are a few tips for the conversation:
- Find Conversation Openers. It might be easiest to start a conversation by talking about something you and your child saw on television or online. Ask questions that can lead to an open discussion and that doesn’t accuse them of any activity. For example, you might ask if they’ve heard peers talking about pornography. It’s important to listen and be open to what your child has to say without judgment.
- Become a Safe Space. Let your child know that if they see something on the Internet that upsets them, they won’t be in trouble, and you won’t be angry at them, for talking to you about it.
- Describe healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Pornography does not portray healthy relationships in any way, so parents need to spell out the difference. Be sure to articulate that people in healthy relationships respect and trust each other, work together to reach compromise, are supportive of one another, talk honestly and freely to each other, and share decisions on equal footing. To learn more, check out our previous blog teaching teens about healthy relationships.
- Discuss sexual consent and communication. Porn also does not demonstrate consent or healthy communication in a sexual context. In fact, a lot of porn shows women being coerced into violent situations, but still “liking” it. Parents must combat this unhealthy portrayal. Let teens know that, in healthy relationships, both partners should know and respect each other’s wants, goals, fears and limits. Inform your teen that both partners should communicate what they prefer, what they’d rather do or not do, and how slowly (or quickly) they may want to take things sexually. Consent is ongoing, so at any point, either partner can say no and the other partner should not try to convince them, or get angry at them, but rather listen to and respect their preference. To learn more, check out our previous blog discussing sexual consent.
- Explain that sex is very emotional in nature. Pornography focuses only on the physical act. It does not explore the relationship or the feelings involved. Let your teen know that people in sexual relationships can connect on deeper, more meaningful levels.
- Be clear that pornography is not real. Real sex often doesn’t look or sound all that much like porn. Porn is not a good instruction manual on how to have sex. Your teen should know that porn stars are actors and actresses, and the filming is edited to look exciting. Nothing about porn is realistic, and it does not reflect a typical sexual encounter. Porn stars are paid to make their lives look fun and glamorous. And real bodies don’t look the same as porn actors’ bodies. Let your teen know that “good sex” is respectful and pleasurable for all parties, which unfortunately is not the case in a lot of porn.
- Discuss the consequences. Parents should also explain how porn can change the viewer’s attitudes about sex, focusing on some of the information discussed at the beginning of this blog. Be sure to tell your teen that porn is unrealistic, that the types of acts porn shows are uncommon, and that viewing porn can actually desensitize them to a real sexual experience.